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  #1  
Old 07-08-2014, 12:41 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Default writing out the exodus from poly

I am not polyamorous. After a year of staunchly insisting I was, reading the books, the website, convincing the spouse there you have it. I am not poly. I keep rolling the words around on my tongue and then facing repercussions of my boyfriend knowing its true.

Last year, I spent six months writing an anonymous (paid, woo!) column for a website called "Polyamorous Mom" (the website is mommyish.com if anyone is interested). Explaining my journey into poly and chronicling the ups and downs and why it was all worth it. My first article was called "I'm polyamorous and my marriage is in the best place its ever been" or something to that effect. I'm getting divorced. So...I was delusional...or a liar...or both. Or it was my raging anxiety disorder that I am just now getting a handle on.

Whatever the reason, I thought it was great. I had fallen in love with my best friend (D) and was willing to sacrifice my marriage to J to get to keep D in my life. I told J that loving more than one only expanded the love, enriched the relationships, and I really believed this was true. I convinced him on the grounds that poly is "who I am" and he was left with the option to accept, or divorce me. He stayed...we have three kids and a long history...and he agreed to try it. He asked me to promise to always put our marriage first, and I agreed. But I wasn't honest. I had spent 15 years taking care of him, our finances, our children, his mental illness, holding it all together and I was ready to have something the way I wanted it.
While I could watch J date, have sex, do as he wished I felt little to no jealousy or concern. I wanted him to be happy..i'd even have been happy for him if he found a woman to love him more than I. D was another story...from the beginning I struggled to accept his already being married to someone else. Someone who he saw as a soul mate...the ultimate..love beyond compare. I struggled not to compete with this...to leave his love life to him. But I was not fair to him either...I always wanted him to myself.

She's left him, that sweet and handsome boyfriend of mine. His wife has taken of with her own secondary to pursue a life free of D and whatever it was that drove her away. He's been crushed, I've been supportive. its been a long f*cking year. And now...now we are both about to get divorced in the near future and I would like nothing more than to settle down with him later on when the dust has settled and hes having none of it. Poly he says, I AM poly. A place he wasn't a year ago...despite having me.

So here I sit, typing this out to all the poly people to do as you will or respond if you feel and Im on the other side of the fence. As D is frighten by the intensity of my love for him and tells me he can see mono...he can see the beauty of two people united...he doesn't want it. he doesn't want me to feel mono towards him, or to inhibit his poly. And I think, "this is what I did to J...I forced this on him. I made him choose. I did not consider and care about his feelings enough to see around my own needs. And from this side, it feels horrible".

Im sad. Im confused. And I'm sure as hell not poly.
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:00 PM
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Hang in there...

You're finding yourself much in the same place I was in when I started my relationship with Chops - re-learning who I was (I was at the tail end of a divorce), and navigating the entering of a relationship that I still had to learn if I could even navigate. I wanted another husband, basically, and I wasn't going to get that... I had to see if what we had would stand on its own without the other parts I wanted.

And we made hella mistakes along the way. I got my feelings hurt. I hurt his. I hurt Xena's. And what we have now is pretty good, but I've definitely worked on my sense of self through it all, and I'm happier in my own skin, which I think bleeds into the rest. I've found that, while I'm mono, I don't know now if I want a "husband" much like I thought I did. I'm happy having my own assets, as cold as that sounds, and I'm happy that he and I are independent in that way.

You'll get there, but definitely take time to dig into yourself, whether you're poly, mono, or somewhere in between. Things may change or settle out along the way...
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:02 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Hang in there...

You're finding yourself much in the same place I was in when I started my relationship with Chops - re-learning who I was (I was at the tail end of a divorce), and navigating the entering of a relationship that I still had to learn if I could even navigate. I wanted another husband, basically, and I wasn't going to get that... I had to see if what we had would stand on its own without the other parts I wanted.

And we made hella mistakes along the way. I got my feelings hurt. I hurt his. I hurt Xena's. And what we have now is pretty good, but I've definitely worked on my sense of self through it all, and I'm happier in my own skin, which I think bleeds into the rest. I've found that, while I'm mono, I don't know now if I want a "husband" much like I thought I did. I'm happy having my own assets, as cold as that sounds, and I'm happy that he and I are independent in that way.

You'll get there, but definitely take time to dig into yourself, whether you're poly, mono, or somewhere in between. Things may change or settle out along the way...
Thanks YAH I know its what im doing too...I want to fill that void of "life partner" "someone to come home to" and it scares the hell out of D, and his being scared makes me insecure and needy. its a vicious cycle.
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:11 PM
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Thanks YAH I know its what im doing too...I want to fill that void of "life partner" "someone to come home to" and it scares the hell out of D, and his being scared makes me insecure and needy. its a vicious cycle.
Yep, that's what I had to define for myself as well - did not coming home to Chops every night mean that he's not my partner? Does having to go through some of the crappier moments alone mean that he's not there for me? Lots of soul-searching and questioning. Honestly, having that "what-if" moment when my mom passed away was the thing that eased a lot of those thoughts - he was there for me when it counted, for as long as I needed. That was HUGE.

It's like losing 20 pounds because you have the flu, though - not the way I'd recommend getting through this type of scenario. Time and experience are going to be your teachers here. Lean on him, let him know what you're feeling, but if you're determined to work it out yourself, let him know that too, so he can ease off on his own worry.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:12 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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right now....just looking at the word "polyamory" gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. So when D says it...or exclaims joy of it...my anxiety is hit with a gigantic emotional trigger.
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:17 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Yep, that's what I had to define for myself as well - did not coming home to Chops every night mean that he's not my partner? Does having to go through some of the crappier moments alone mean that he's not there for me? Lots of soul-searching and questioning. Honestly, having that "what-if" moment when my mom passed away was the thing that eased a lot of those thoughts - he was there for me when it counted, for as long as I needed. That was HUGE.

It's like losing 20 pounds because you have the flu, though - not the way I'd recommend getting through this type of scenario. Time and experience are going to be your teachers here. Lean on him, let him know what you're feeling, but if you're determined to work it out yourself, let him know that too, so he can ease off on his own worry.
i could stand to lose 20 lbs....lol. He has been there, in big ways...when my beloved grandfather died, when my daughter was in the hospital...I know he cares, he loves me. But when the poly nerve trigger hits he's defensive and off putting...last night he told me that he fears my monagomy means I will try to make him be that way and not allow his polyamory. that hurts...Im trying, so hard to be ok with it. Honsetly? Yes I see his not dating anyone but me for the last year and half, aside from one one night fling, and his lack of talking to women right now and his comments about how our sex life is totally fulfilling....as signs that hes not really poly either. he sense this, and it upsets him. But I cant UN feel it. And he doesn't want to give too much...our current boundries, don't date in our friends circle, tell me before you see someone, only be fluid bonded with me, tell other women they are secondaries....aren't enough to comfort me. and that upsets him. Im looking for ways to find the comfort...ive asked him to not date until we are done with divorces, he balked at that. I suggested he not have vaginal intercourse...balked at that too. I don't know if im demanding and unbending or he is.
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:49 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I look forward to following this blog with great interest. Cause even though I'm in a polyamorous relationship I would never describe myself as Poly. I'm mono all the way and if it was just me and my partner I would be overjoyed with that. I can't let myself fully commit to this relationship because she's married to soneone else. If I could go back and not fall for her I would.
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Old 07-08-2014, 03:46 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I look forward to following this blog with great interest. Cause even though I'm in a polyamorous relationship I would never describe myself as Poly. I'm mono all the way and if it was just me and my partner I would be overjoyed with that. I can't let myself fully commit to this relationship because she's married to soneone else. If I could go back and not fall for her I would.
I hear you. the board is a nice place to find commiseration as well as different view points
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Old 07-08-2014, 05:54 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Had a really wonderful talk with D. about what we both want, what I need from mono and what he needs from poly. amazing want trying to communicate well can do. Basically, he agreed to hierarchical poly, which is what I can be comfortable with right now. im an alpha dog kinda girl, not sure why I thought I could be otherwise. Part of the reason poly didn't work for me, I cant be anyones secondary...or share my "place" in someone's life. I think some poly people maybe judge that as "not poly
" of me? But well, im not poly....


I haven't always been the best communicator. Its hard and unsettling to realize what have such bad anxiety has done to my interactions with other people. Amongst a trillion other things. You start asking yourself why you operate the way you do, how to focus on yourself. I come back around to love a lot.

In other musings I'm worrying about divorce and the kids. we have thre, 8,6, and 3. its crushing to think about....but they should see good, stable, loving relationships and that's not me and J. MAn the guilt about J...the guilt about the kids. yay guilt?

this one was rambling. Happy Tuesday
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Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 07-08-2014 at 06:24 PM.
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Old 07-09-2014, 01:25 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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"While I could watch J date, have sex, do as he wished I felt little to no jealousy or concern. I wanted him to be happy..i'd even have been happy for him if he found a woman to love him more than I. D was another story...from the beginning I struggled to accept his already being married to someone else."

I had a similar reaction with my husband and boyfriend. I might still if my boyfriend started dating, but I have become far more mellow about his wife. What I wonder for you, though, is was your different reaction because you cared less about your husband, or because you felt less secure in the relationship with your boyfriend, so poly there was more threatening?

I have largely stopped wondering if I'm "innately" poly, though the question did trouble me for a while. In my current circumstances, having multiple relationships appeals to me and makes me happier than simply being with my husband. On a theoretical level the idea appeals to me now too; however, there were also phases of my life when I said "no way that could work". I don't remember exactly why I used to think that, but I do remember it seemed entirely obvious. I also think that potentially in a different sort of marriage the issue might never come up, but that's not the life I'm in right now, and I deal with where I am.

Re "And he doesn't want to give too much...our current boundries, don't date in our friends circle, tell me before you see someone, only be fluid bonded with me, tell other women they are secondaries....aren't enough to comfort me. and that upsets him. Im looking for ways to find the comfort...ive asked him to not date until we are done with divorces, he balked at that. I suggested he not have vaginal intercourse...balked at that too. I don't know if im demanding and unbending or he is"

Why do you want these things? Or why do you want to be primary? Do you understand what need or fear is behind that?

I suspect (in part based on my own issues) that it is useful for you to ]recognize the role that your anxiety is playing. I hope you find approaches that help you deal with anxiety, and that it simplifies some of the other issues. For me, simply learning to recognize when the anxiety was ramping up was useful, as I could remind myself that I might be overreacting or leaping to unwarranted conclusions.

What your kids probably need more than anything is to have a good, stable, loving relationship with you. And you can give them that regardless of your other relationships. I think that's the best example, and best security, that you can provide for them.

And glad to hear that you had a talk with D that felt good.
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