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  #11  
Old 03-22-2013, 11:05 PM
PhoenixLoch PhoenixLoch is offline
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You are probably right....
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  #12  
Old 03-22-2013, 11:34 PM
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The Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell agreements and the general aversion the other two women have towards polyamory is of concern to me ... and yes, I think he should have volunteered the information sooner, not have to be prodded into it by you. My advice would be to walk into this with tiny steps, and to moderate your expectations. I am reluctant to tell you what to do or how to feel, but I probably should have spoken up sooner.

I hope this will have a happy ending for you, one way or another.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 03-22-2013, 11:58 PM
PhoenixLoch PhoenixLoch is offline
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Thanks everyone... I probably haven't explained enough....it's all a lot to get off my chest and isn't easy to explain. Poly isn't easy for him either, the stigma from family, friends and work. The connection is a, well, believe it or not a telepathic one of sorts. I have dreams of conversations with him and when I started telling him what I dreamt he started telling me everything. I don't have blinders on...I know LDR isn't going to be easy. And I certainly don't expect anyone to just love me. The bottom line is he leaves in May, and I can't imagine my life without him. So I am dreaming of anyway I can make it all work. It probably sounds pretty pathetic. Sorry I don't mean to sound like a total idiot!
It helps to plan things, makes me put off the inevitable, the realization that when he leaves its probably forever and no amount of wishing is going to get me what I want. It is what it is and what will be will be. Thank you all xxxx
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  #14  
Old 03-23-2013, 12:14 AM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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But planning so deeply and far in the future tends to lead to getting your hopes up. And when a person gets their hopes up they tend to fall. HARD.
This is something I cannot stress enough. You are planning too far in the future given the data you have shared. Obviously, I'm not a soothsayer, guru or psychic and I don't ow the whole story but what you have told us doesn't look too good in the adding up quadrant.

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The Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell agreements and the general aversion the other two women have towards polyamory is of concern to me ... and yes, I think he should have volunteered the information sooner,..
In full agreement, but kudos for being understanding given your attraction.

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Why are you planning to start dating someone you've never even met? Just because he loves her and he loves you doesn't mean you and she will have anything in common as partners. Why push it? If you and she click, then great. But meeting her with all that expectation on all three of you is a heavy burden. Just go with the flow.
Agreed, it is possible that you couldn't be more dissimilar with these women. And if this is true that what will happen if they do not like you? Are you prepared to think about that?
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  #15  
Old 03-23-2013, 12:49 AM
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Originally Posted by PhoenixLoch View Post
I have dreams of conversations with him and when I started telling him what I dreamt he started telling me everything.
Ooo freaky, because I know what that feels like. Sometimes I'll be half-asleep and I'll say something in my head when my husband is sleeping beside me, and he'll totally respond (out loud) to what I just said. But when I realize it and try to work it, I can't get it back. Of course, being a physicist, I chalk it up to some kind of quantum brain waves or something. I think it's silly for people to have such a narrow-minded view of reality. I mean, I don't buy into a lot of that paranormal stuff... but I've experienced just enough of it first hand to not write it off completely.

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It probably sounds pretty pathetic. Sorry I don't mean to sound like a total idiot!
No, it doesn't sound pathetic. Just because I was questioning your connection doesn't mean I was writing it off completely. I was just being my analytical self. Oxytocin and dopamine are the hormones that human brains release when people have those feelings, it's what we "feel." That doesn't mean the experiences that cause their release aren't real.

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Originally Posted by Malfunktions View Post
But planning so deeply and far in the future tends to lead to getting your hopes up. And when a person gets their hopes up they tend to fall. HARD.
That's a good way to put it.

I'm a planner, too. I'm a lot better at giving "go with the flow" advice than following it :P Just ask my poor husband about when I was debating whether or not to go to grad school.

But I've had to learn that no matter how carefully I plan and how many contingencies I plan for, life never ever ever goes the way I expect it to. So even though it's really really hard, I'm trying to follow my own advice and learn to just let things happen more. It seems that whenever I do let go of specific outcomes, things just work out much better than I ever could have planned for.

Have you read Deepak Chopra's Seven Laws of Spiritual Success? A lot of people think it's hokey, and it kind of is, but you might get a lot out of it.
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  #16  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:05 AM
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Re:
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"The connection is a, well, believe it or not a telepathic one of sorts. I have dreams of conversations with him and when I started telling him what I dreamt he started telling me everything."
Ah, but even if he can read your thoughts, that doesn't necessarily mean all is well; he could be a telepath and still not be as trustworthy or noble a person as he seems. By no means do I mean to declare that the guy's no good; I'm just pointing out an assumption and a potential fallacy. Whatever his abilities are, it's how he uses them that counts.

I'll adhere to my same advice for now: Proceed if you so desire, but do so cautiously. If you're spiritually inclined, trust the promptings of your spirit. You have gifts of your own that will see you through whatever you need to experience.

Regards and well wishes,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 03-23-2013, 06:31 PM
PhoenixLoch PhoenixLoch is offline
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I am the one with the dreams, not sure if it is telepathic or what it is....but he doesn't hear me. And I don't tell him all I know, some of which is not accurate but I get a lot more right then I get wrong. And I can't control it nor do I use it for nefarious purposes Kevin. (Haha!)
I guess life is what you make it, isn't it? Before him, I naively did not know about polyamory. Now I do. Before I knew him I was miserable. Now I am loved, happy and content. When he leaves, we will either see each other again, or we won't. I don't feel betrayed or lied to. It is a new relationship and everyone has baggage they don't spurt out within the first five minutes of meeting someone.
Our communication is awesome about his life and relationships. I am intrigued by it all. I want to be happy and he makes me happy. And he wants me to be happy. For now, that's the most important thing. Peace and love to all xxx
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  #18  
Old 03-23-2013, 11:09 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Glad to hear it!

I think the best thing about some relationships isn't necessarily the joy you feel at the time, but the lessons you take away from them. At the very least, you've learned that you are lovable and valued. If life doesn't work out with him, that's fine... but going forwards, you'll always know that if something doesn't click with a particular person, it's not because there's something wrong with you, but just that the two of you aren't compatible.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #19  
Old 03-24-2013, 06:17 PM
PhoenixLoch PhoenixLoch is offline
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We talked a little bit about the future and I guess really just laying down ideas right now. But he did say that he was intrigued by my ideas and that I had come up with concepts of making it work that he hadn't even thought of.
For the record I am not getting my hopes up! :P but it was encouraging that it is now on the table. see planning isn't so bad :P (JK: I know you have my best interests at heart and I appreciate everyone's advice.)
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  #20  
Old 03-24-2013, 07:27 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I try to distinguish between "planning" and "brainstorming."

Planning means "This is what I'm going to do. I'm attached to a specific outcome and I'm going to take these steps to make sure that outcome happens. If that outcome doesn't happen, I will be disappointed because my plan failed."

I don't see how it's possible to plan something without getting your hopes up, but that could just be the way my mind works.

Brainstorming means "I'm just looking at possibilities." There's no attachment to a specific outcome, you're just looking at different way things might work, while remaining flexible to new outcomes based on what happens between now and then.

It may seem like a trivial distinction, but I find that it really helps combat disappointment when things don't go according to plan.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 03-24-2013 at 07:37 PM.
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