Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 05-30-2013, 09:17 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 753
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
"Veto Power" really is just an prearranged agreement regarding a future deal breaker. It's like having the argument beforehand and deciding not to break up, but to instead capitulate to the desires of the one with the issue. Instead of saying "I don't trust that girl, she gives me the willies, you need to break up with her or I'm leaving you" and his responding "No, no, don't leave me... I'll break up with her because my feelings for her are irrelevant"... it's just done prior to the issue coming up.

Yucko!
I know that in practice, they end up amounting to the same thing, but I agree that there is a huge change in meaning between a "game-changer" and a veto.

A veto puts your issue directly onto your partner rather than on yourself. It's saying, "I don't like <x>, therefore YOU need to do <y> or I'm done."

Letting your partner know what could be a game-changer, regardless of when it's done (I've let my partner know ahead of time what potential game-changers or deal-breakers of mine could be) still rests the decision where it belongs - on the person who has the problem. "It's my issue, therefore it's mine to take care of however I need to when/if it ever occurs."

A veto is expressed in a much more controlling manner and tends to have that vibe of "my opinions mean more than yours". I'd rather get my cards out on the table, say that I may have issues that could cause me to rethink the relationship if <x> occurs, and then agree to go down our path and deal with it if it ever occurs. My partner's informed, I'm not going to be surprising him, and it's not telling him how to behave.

*shrug*
I dunno. It may all be semantics, but the different ways of wording things can convey a heck of a different meaning.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 05-31-2013, 12:36 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,281
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I dunno. It may all be semantics, but the different ways of wording things can convey a heck of a different meaning.
"I dig you, but I'm going to take care of myself even if that means I have to adjust the nature of our relationship". To me, this is a fair statement and one that everyone makes even though most don't vocalize it. We can call them boundaries, game changers, deal breakers, etc.

The brunt of the actions needed due to a veto is put on the one being vetoed. There has already been an agreement that if one of us says "no way" the other will capitulate and make whatever changes are required to assuage their insecurities. This is basically the same principle as a boundary or a game changer; it's just that the discussion has been pre-decided for some reason. Personally I think it would be better to actually discuss what is going on than to fall back on a general purpose "nuh uh".

[Edit] I agree with YouAreHere, if that wasn't clear
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single

Last edited by Marcus; 05-31-2013 at 12:39 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 05-31-2013, 02:33 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

[Edit] I agree with YouAreHere, if that wasn't clear[/I]
You are a poet, even if you don't know it.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 05-31-2013, 11:49 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 753
Default

Though my meter may be loose
and not as tight as Doctor Seuss
the rhyming lilt in my reply
is solely due to BoringGuy






Burma-Shave

Last edited by YouAreHere; 05-31-2013 at 11:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 05-31-2013, 02:37 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Though my meter may be loose
and not as tight as Doctor Seuss
the rhyming lilt in my reply
is solely due to BoringGuy






Burma-Shave
Marcus deserves some credit, don't you think?
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 05-31-2013, 02:42 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 753
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Marcus deserves some credit, don't you think?
His name isn't as easy to rhyme with.
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 06-01-2013, 05:31 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,103
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
His name isn't as easy to rhyme with.
And where else should we park us
to read the internet?
Why, at the words of Marcus
whose wisdom we must get!


(terrible I know)
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 06-01-2013, 04:28 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 172
Default

You might be smart, you might be shy
But that doesn't matter to Boring Guy
Stick your head over the parapet
And he'll make sure you get some shit

__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 06-01-2013, 06:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
You might be smart, you might be shy
But that doesn't matter to Boring Guy
Stick your head over the parapet
And he'll make sure you get some shit


"shit" and "parapet" don't rhyme. But i'm sure you knew that. Nice try though.

By the way, we're having fun here. This is not "being passive-aggressive" even though some might want it to be.

Now, do better. If you want your insult to register on my radar, it MUST rhyme PROPERLY. "Again" does not rhyme with "rain" even though the last 3 letters are the same. So cover up that cake or better yet, have it and eat it too.
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 06-01-2013, 06:47 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
"shit" and "parapet" don't rhyme.
Oh but they do

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/parapet
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching

Last edited by northhome; 06-01-2013 at 07:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
heirarchy, primary, primary/secondary, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:53 PM.