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  #1  
Old 02-16-2015, 12:02 AM
ChicaLips3 ChicaLips3 is offline
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Default I just want to know its not just me...

So here is my story... I am happily married and also date women. Recently realize that what I want out of a long term relationship is to be in a healthy and happy relationship with my husband and my girl (polyamory life). This recent relationship that I have been in lasted about five months. I realized that this type of relationship would not work for my her due to her making it clear that she wasn't really attracted to my husband and she couldn't be in a relationship with two ppl, so I backed away from the relationship and left her.

As time went on she has been hitting me back up with she wants this to work, she can't be without me etc. I kept giving her chances but I continued to see the same pattern with her with she wanted it to be just about me and her.

This last time she came around because she wanted to give my husband a feel better gift because he had surgery and to drop off something that I left at her house the last time I saw her. It was odd and out the blue but it was what it was... I felt like maybe this really could work out. So I hit her up and made plans and invited her to go out to hang out with the family.

It happen to be on Valentines Day. I texted her and asked her if she didn't have plans we were hanging out and she could join us. She didn't say she didn't have plans nor did she say she did... she said she would join us.... and we all went to the movies, dinner and stop to get some movies. For me to only find out she has plans with someone else. WTF... I felt hurt and upset and angry she is trying to get me back constantly blowing me up wanting me back to now leave at ten pm to hang with someone else on Valentines night.

She left and I sent her a text and stated... that I was done with her running in and out my life... and who the fuck could she be hanging out with on Valentines Day night. Did I have ever right to be hurt, upset and even mad about it?
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  #2  
Old 02-16-2015, 01:58 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaLips3 View Post
This recent relationship that I have been in lasted about five months. I realized that this type of relationship would not work for my her due to her making it clear that she wasn't really attracted to my husband and she couldn't be in a relationship with two ppl, so I backed away from the relationship and left her.
So, a requirement of being in a relationship with you is that a woman ALSO has to be in a relationship with your husband? Perhaps she CAN be in a relationship with two people - just not you AND your husband. (Perhaps you and her boyfriend, or you and her other girlfriend?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaLips3 View Post
As time went on she has been hitting me back up with she wants this to work, she can't be without me etc. I kept giving her chances but I continued to see the same pattern with her with she wanted it to be just about me and her.
So she still wants to be with you, but you are unwilling to be with her because she is unwilling to also be with your husband? As far as I am concerned, every relationship IS just about the people that are in it. You have a relationship with your husband, she has a relationship with you. She does not want a relationship with your husband. The RELATIONSHIP is just about the people who are relating to each other (with acknowledgement that the other person ALSO has other relationships).

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaLips3 View Post
... she said she would join us.... and we all went to the movies, dinner and stop to get some movies. For me to only find out she has plans with someone else. WTF... I felt hurt and upset and angry she is trying to get me back constantly blowing me up wanting me back to now leave at ten pm to hang with someone else on Valentines night...

She left and I sent her a text and stated... that I was done with her running in and out my life... and who the fuck could she be hanging out with on Valentines Day night. Did I have ever right to be hurt, upset and even mad about it?
Hmmm... you are currently not "together" with her and are upset that she has other plans on Valentines's? Even though she made the effort to come out and join you guys?

It doesn't seem to me like she is "running in and out of" your life. It sounds like you are only willing to have her IN your life on YOUR terms - "with me and hubs and no-one else". Seems to me like she is trying to stay in YOUR life, without having you dictate the REST of her life - and you are rejecting her terms and therefore PUSHING her out of your life.

I honestly don't see what you are upset about.
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
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  #3  
Old 02-16-2015, 02:31 AM
ChicaLips3 ChicaLips3 is offline
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Thank u janeq... for ur feedback on my post.
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Old 02-16-2015, 02:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I agree with everything Jane wrote. It is quite unrealistic to demand that your lover also be your husband's lover if she just isn't into him. She's a person with feelings, not an object that is supposed to fit into the role you design for her. Why can't you enjoy a separate relationship? Is this because your husband is expecting whoever you are involved with to be shared with him, like dessert passed around a dinner table?

In addition, the whole V-Day thing - you blew up over nothing. She wasn't seeing you anymore, had plans and adjusted her schedule to see you before she followed through with her commitments to be elsewhere. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person with whom she had plans already - how would you feel if she blew you off to go spend the day with someone else who calls her out of the blue and expects her to devote the entire evening to that person? I'd say she was very considerate to try and make time for you when you asked her to, even when she had already scheduled something else.

Why take such a selfish and demanding approach and then have a fit when you don't get your way? Loving relationships should be nurturing, fun, and enjoyable, not full of obligations.
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Old 02-17-2015, 05:06 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi, welcome to the board.

Dozens and dozens of people come here expecting members to support their disappointment at a triad not working out, only to find most experienced polyamorists do not try to force triads.

Seems so many people think the only way to do poly is to have a FMF (or sometimes MFM) triad, where all 3 people are equally romantically and sexually attracted and active with each other, but that is just not the case.

Could you be willing to date this woman now, armed with the knowledge that most successful poly is composed of Vs, not triads? She can date you, and have another gf or bf as well. You can be married and date her (and/or another woman or guy). Your husband can be married and date another person (or 2) who is not you or YOUR gf.
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