Hey all! New triad brewing...

[mushaboom]

Neon - I totally understand where you are coming from and in a lot of ways I think triads can be much more complicated to navigate than individual polyamorous relationships. So to that end, I don't subscribe to the idea that triads are a "preferred configuration" for couples new to opening their relationships. It may seem simpler/easier, but it is SO not.

The reasons I think we are most hypothetically interested in pursuing a triad (or maybe even a quad) was our original experience that sort of fell into our laps and how enriching that was even though it never moved into a poly-relationship realm AND the fact that my partner and I are just very close and we are most often together. Some may see that as problematic but it is just natural for us since we are best friends.

That being said we would never force a connection where there was not one and we are very open to being surprised by our future path.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by mushaboom

Neon - I totally understand where you are coming from and in a lot of ways I think triads can be much more complicated to navigate than individual polyamorous relationships. So to that end, I don't subscribe to the idea that triads are a "preferred configuration" for couples new to opening their relationships. It may seem simpler/easier, but it is SO not.

According to your original post in this thread, I did not think you were one of those idealistic cases.

[mushaboom]

Awh, I hope you don't think I'm being defensive. I'm just thinking out loud.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by mushaboom

Awh, I hope you don't think I'm being defensive. I'm just thinking out loud.

I wanted to be clear that I wasn't referring to ALL couples that are opening their relationship for the first time.

[Danny40179]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I don't think triads are the "red-headed children" of relationships, but I do think that people sometimes get fixated on triads as the "preferred configuration", especially couples who are opening their relationship for the first time. Instead of taking people as they come, they act as if there is an "ideal third" floating around out there somewhere who will "complete their relationship" and the search is on to "find that person".

"...they act is if there is an ideal third floating around out there somewhere who will complete their relationship..." Is this a bad thing?

My wife and I found that very person. Someone that helps to complete our relationship. Someone that fits into our life seamlessly. Known her for 6 years and she's lived with us for 3.

I've never been in a V so I can't say whether it or a triad is more complicated, but I sure do know that a triad is A LOT of work. All poly relationships require a lot of dedication to making them successful.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Danny40179

"...they act is if there is an ideal third floating around out there somewhere who will complete their relationship..." Is this a bad thing?

I think it is a "bad thing" when people get treated as though they are auditioning for a "role" in someone else's life.

It's not necessarily bad for the people who are DOING the LOOKING, but it's not a very nice way to treat people. People are not accessories.

[Danny40179]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I think it is a "bad thing" when people get treated as though they are auditioning for a "role" in someone else's life.

It's not necessarily bad for the people who are DOING the LOOKING, but it's not a very nice way to treat people. People are not accessories.

I agree totally. But why is it an audition? It's a conversation much like you have when you're talking to someone new. "Hi, I'm Danny and my wife and I are looking for someone to bring into our marriage." vs "Hi, my name is Neon and I'm looking to add someone into my life." Only difference I see there is "our" and "my".

Fact is that ANY relationship starts out as an audition, no?

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Danny40179

I agree totally. But why is it an audition? It's a conversation much like you have when you're talking to someone new. "Hi, I'm Danny and my wife and I are looking for someone to bring into our marriage." vs "Hi, my name is Neon and I'm looking to add someone into my life." Only difference I see there is "our" and "my".

Fact is that ANY relationship starts out as an audition, no?

That is not a fact. I don't conduct my relationships that way. Although there have been times when I've felt as though I was being auditioned by someone else, and I didn't like it much. Obviously, there are people who do that, such as yourself. I would ask that you not assume everyone else goes about it the same way you do.

[Fidelia]

I agree with NK, although I see your pov, Danny.

I've never really enjoyed the "interview" type getting-to-know-you conversations. I'd much rather engage in the chill-out, hang-out, have fun meet-and-greets.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Fidelia

I agree with NK, although I see your pov, Danny.

I've never really enjoyed the "interview" type getting-to-know-you conversations. I'd much rather engage in the chill-out, hang-out, have fun meet-and-greets.

I just meet people in the course of everyday life. I guess I'm pretty laid-back about it. I'm not one of those people that realizes they're poly then feels compelled to find more relationships. My whole take on it is there are people I ALREADY know or have been in love with in the past that I don't necessarily have to forget about being with just because I'm married.

When it comes to meeting new people, I'm open to whatever might come of it. This could be a new cat-friend, a new FWB, a new SO, something else, or nothing at all. I often meet people that I'm attracted to without expecting it, and most of the time nothing comes of it, or at least not right away according to some expectation. It's not as though I'm looking for more love-relationships and trying to find people who fit that role. It's more like "Wow, you're pretty cool, let's hang out together more" (Hi Mags!) and it leads where it leads.