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  #21  
Old 06-14-2013, 09:02 AM
cinnamonswing cinnamonswing is offline
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thank you for your input FullofLove1052! i don't really like having two dates in the same day so i think what will happen now is i will just hang out with the different people on the days around my birthday and if they wish to celebrate me in any way that might happen but otherwise i will just enjoy their company. i'm still not sure what to do on the actual birthday, it's a weekday so i'll be working. maybe i'll see someone that night, maybe i'll just go work out and spend time with myself. i think i'll be happy either way.
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  #22  
Old 06-18-2013, 09:12 AM
cinnamonswing cinnamonswing is offline
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i am giddy and nervous and really happy about my life at the moment. a couple of days ago i had a talk with NG about how things are going between us and as it turns out, we are both in love. gaaaah! happy happy happy. and nervous.

yesterday i went out for dinner with the ghost and told him that i am seeing someone else also. when we've talked before he has just been aware that i want my relationships open and that i could see someone else, not that there was anyone specific. but it was long overdue to tell him about NG and i was nervous about what his reaction would be. but he just said "ok. i still want to see you though". and that was it? pheeeeew! he asked a couple of questions about the guy, what his name was and how i'd met him but other than that we just spent time hanging out and having a good time.

i'm really trying to enjoy the moment of all of this and not just expect it all to come crashing down after what happened with music man. still kind of bitter about that one. but for now, happy!
_____________________________
me: straight woman in her thirties. new to poly.
music man: was my boyfriend for 2,5 years. some problems in the relationship coincided with discussions of poly (he has always been interested, i began to see the benefits after a lot of research) and we opened up the relationship in the beginning of 2013. at the moment our relationship is a friendship.
the ghost: a guy from my past who never seems to leave my mind. we are now seeing each other again romantically and he seems to be ok with poly so far
NG = a guy i have been dating a bit who is very interesting and sweet. he also know about my view on relationships and seems ok with it so far.
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  #23  
Old 07-01-2013, 10:34 AM
cinnamonswing cinnamonswing is offline
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....and here comes the crash.
well not crash exactly but...a time for me to really get serious about what is important to me and what it is that i want.

i had a nice (but emotional) weekend, spending time with both the ghost, music man and NG. on friday i went out for drinks with the ghost and some friends of his. we had a fun time, and got a bit drunk. i had a bit of a strange conversation with him. he was saying something along the lines of wishing me all the best with the other guy i was seeing and "i'm sorry that i can't be more..." i guess he has sensed that i have pulled away from him a bit. that i am holding back some of my feelings for him because i'm afraid that he will want more than i can give him. i have always known that i don't want to be in a relationship with him, as in "a couple". but he is so important to me, i have such warm feelings for him and i want him in my life. as a friend or lover is not the most important part. like i've written before, we don't really have sex (mostly because of the ed and i don't want to have unprotected sex with him) but i am still attracted to him and love the way he smells and tastes when we make out. but i feel that if he were to find someone he fell in love with and would want to just be friends with me i would be happy for him. when he said that to me at the bar i kind of just clumsily but enthusiastically embraced him and said something about even after all these years since we first met he has always stayed with me (in the sense that i have never forgotten him, even though we usually only keep in contact when i am single). we like each other very much. i am just afraid that we are looking for different things. or maybe i am just stupid and too afraid to fully acknowledge the love i have for him? that is something i'm too afraid to look at i think.

anyway...on saturday i was at a wedding for one of music man's close friends. i had been invited when we were still together but i was still invited as myself and not as his +1, so i decided to go, there would be a lot of people i like there. the wedding was fun and sweet, although i found myself a bit annoyed at the priests speech about what love was and about fidelity and that if someone had problems being faithful they probably needed psychiatric help??! i mean, i hate lying and sneaking around and the breaking of promises as much as anyone, but it just seemed so one-sided and judgmental. he also made a joke about the biggest "adulteress" (making a play of word with the swedish word for adulteress meaning the same thing as someone who breaks up marriages) being mother in laws?? everyone laughed but i was not amused...i actually like going to weddings, to see the love between different people, and especially when friends and family show their love towards the people getting married. it's like "finally we can say how much we mean to each other!" but there are so many traditions that confuse me. like the one (i don't know how common it is) where people are supposed to line up to kiss the bride/groom whenever one of the other leaves the room. only on the cheek though, and for comic effect someone of the same sex as the person being kissed always line's up to kiss them. talk about your monogamous heteronormativity! also i wonder why we couldn't have ceremonies to celebrate other kinds of love, like with friends and family. i have a close female friend who i've known over ten years, why couldn't we have a ceremony where people would come and eat and drink and have a good time, bring us presents and giving speeches about how wonderful we both are and how we are such a good friendship match? i mean, i guess we could do that, he he. but we would both feel really uncomfortable being at the center of attention like that. but still. only celebrating romantic love feels so strange.

oh well. it was fun seeing music man again and we danced a couple of dances. i was not pining over him or anything. at one point in the church they were playing a song that i really associate with him and our time together and that made the tears well up in my eyes for a bit, but other than that, everything was fine.

on sunday, i met up with NG and went for a looong walk around a lake. we had a really nice time and got to know each other even better. we talked a bit about our families and also about relationships and what we wanted. he is not very traditional either, like he wouldn't really see the point of getting married and is unsure if he wants kids. we talked about a good relationship being that you felt trust and that you could count on the other person. i said that since i had just come from a relationship where i really thought i could count on the person and then found out that a lot of feelings etc weren't really true, that had probably made me less trusting. he asked if there was something he did that made me think i could not trust him. i said, no i thought he fel were trustworthy, but my experience had kind of made me realize that things can change and that it's very important for me not to fear change.

i asked him if there are things i do that make him feel unsafe, and the answer was...."yes". i kind of knew this conversation would come up soon! we spoke a bit about me also seeing the ghost, which of course was the issue. NG said that most of the time he tries not to think about it at all, he just pushes it away, and that kind of works but it pops up sometimes. i had not realized that he was feeling so bad about it. i guess part of that is i have a hard time understanding that he is in love with me and what that means to him. it hurts me to know that what i do hurts him or makes him feel unsure or sad. that is never my intention, of course. he is very generous and loving and it makes me feel bad to think that he is not getting "what he deserves", so to speak. i know everyone is responsible for their feelings, but i am now in the situation where he could decide that it's not worth it to him to have these feelings, that he wants to protect himself, which would mean breaking things off with me.

we talked a lot about the theory of things as compaired to reality. it sort of ended with me saying that i needed to think things over, but that i did not want to lose him. so monogamy might be an option. ugh. this is so tough to think about. it's not necessarily that i feel the need to be able to see other people (i'm only seeing the ghost romantically at this point apart from NG and like i said, the most important thing for me with the ghost is that we can be friends. although i am afraid that he might not want to even be friends with me if i end things with him now. it's not the first time i've put him in that position....). but i'm afraid that i will feel pressure, that i will feel like i'm doing things simply because they are expected of me, that i am not giving my love freely to NG. i mean, the monogamy part would not be something NG would "control", it would have to be me agreeing to that being a part of him being in my life. i'm just afraid of what the consequences will be for our relationship. can we be open and honest enough? i have a lot of thinking to do.
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  #24  
Old 07-04-2013, 07:52 AM
cinnamonswing cinnamonswing is offline
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still thinking about things...my feelings for the ghost really confuse me. i know that i have been in love with him before but denied my feelings until much later. from a safe distance, when we were "over", i could say that yes, i was probably in love with him. now i'm wondering if it's the same thing all over again. am i in love but just refusing to admit it? if so, what difference does it make? i was talking to a friend about it and she wanted to know what would be so terrible about being in love with the ghost. this is very difficult for me to explain, even to myself. i don't think i have (or dare to see) the full picture, but i think the basic feeling is i appreciate him for what he is, in himself. as a friend, a person separate from me, i have strong warm feelings for him. maybe i could even feel safe feeling in love with him if i knew that he did not reciprocate those feelings. but i suspect that he is in love with me, and that scares me. if i then am in love with him, could i end up in a relationship with him? i don't want that. i mean we already have some sort of relationship, but we are not a couple, i don't have to "identify myself with him". i don't want him to represent me, more than any of my friends would represent me. if we were in love, i would find it much harder to make that distinction. it's probably just social conditioning, but that is the feeling i have. with NG, i don't feel the same need to distance myself, to not have him represent me. it's weird. it's like i'm ashamed of the ghost. i'm not ashamed to be his friend or anything, but....i could never be in a relationship with only him. it's the same old story with us. i am seeing NG tonight and will speak more to him about what feeling safe means to him. after our last conversation about the ghost he sent me a text saying how he felt much safer now. i want to know what that means, what was it more specifically that made him feel more safe? update coming soon...
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  #25  
Old 07-30-2013, 06:32 AM
cinnamonswing cinnamonswing is offline
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so, a couple of weeks ago i hung out with the ghost and i finally had the conversation about our relationship. i had thought about it for so long and decided that i did not want to risk losing the relationship with NG. my options seemed to be:
1) keep the romantic relationship with the ghost, which in the long run would probably mean that NG would not stick around.
2) keep the romantic relationship with NG and go back to a non-physical friendship with the ghost.

because of the dynamic i have with each person, it is more worth for me to have a romantic relationship with NG and a platonic friendship with the ghost than vice verca, if i'm forced to choose. i didn't wan't to choose. i wanted the relationships to unfold the way they were meant to, regardless of the other relationship. it feels so weird to me that one of the relationships should affect the other in that way. but again, difference between theory and practice. especially when dating mono people, of course. but now i had to choose it seemed so i chose option number two.

it was no fun conversation to have with the ghost. he was a bit sad but also said "this is my fault, i need to work through my issues". i told him over and over again how much he means to me, that this was not something i wanted to do but i couldn't really see another choice at this point. that evening when i went home i was very upset. i had hurt a friend and did not know what would become of our relationship. and it didn't even seem necessary.

i spoke to NG on the phone and told him about it and he asked some questions about how the ghost had reacted and how i had felt and then he said "i hope you didn't do this for me?" i was stunned. what did he mean?! who else would i do it for?? but he just meant that he didn't want to feel like he was forcing me, that i was going against what i wanted. i said that i want several different things but that this was the choice i had made and no he had not forced me. he was pleased about it and felt that it meant that he was important to me. i agree that he is important to me, but i also feel that there are lots of ways i could show (and have shown) him that he is important apart from changing a relationship i have with a completely different person. again, theory vs practice.

so, sad about the ghost (we have not seen each other since that conversation and have just sent a few chat messages, he seems to be feeling quite low) but happy about NG. happy and scared, scared that being mono with him now will mean walking into old patterns, losing track of myself etc. we'll see i guess...
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