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  #31  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:39 AM
unusuality unusuality is offline
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I agree with Penny and Derby, as well as Redpepper and others in this thread. I say you're not gonna get ANYWHERE without fixing your underlying problems you have NOW and those you had BEFORE you both started poly.

But my two cents is this: PLEASE try to be FULLY OPEN to what she may say. Don't get wrapped up in your own emotions so much that you block out her opinions and scream your own to get your point across. Your pinned up anger may cause you to think and/or say something like this:
"SO WHAT!! FORGET HIM!!!! This is about OUR baby and US!!! We're supposed to be getting MARRIED!!

If you don't REALLY fix the problems BEFORE you say "I DO", wedding bands won't make it rosy, man. Be FULLY OPEN AND HONEST, and allow her to do the same. It's working for me. It'll do the same for you. No matter what the outcome.
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  #32  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:17 AM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Originally Posted by unusuality View Post
I agree with Penny and Derby, as well as Redpepper and others in this thread. I say you're not gonna get ANYWHERE without fixing your underlying problems you have NOW and those you had BEFORE you both started poly.

But my two cents is this: PLEASE try to be FULLY OPEN to what she may say. Don't get wrapped up in your own emotions so much that you block out her opinions and scream your own to get your point across. Your pinned up anger may cause you to think and/or say something like this:
"SO WHAT!! FORGET HIM!!!! This is about OUR baby and US!!! We're supposed to be getting MARRIED!!

If you don't REALLY fix the problems BEFORE you say "I DO", wedding bands won't make it rosy, man. Be FULLY OPEN AND HONEST, and allow her to do the same. It's working for me. It'll do the same for you. No matter what the outcome.
Thanks Unusuality I know what your saying. I am finding it hard to get around the fact that we have a young child and are getting married and all she seems to be interested in is whatever her SO says or does. She is really going ott into his hobbies and interests. She was never a follower or never tried to fit in before but seems now she is trying hard to fit in with SO and his friends.

It has really transformed her and she has definitely a new lease of life, full of enthusiam and confidence but is this just the NRE. Do I know who she is or where this is all going? Should I wait until the NRE passes and be patient I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.
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  #33  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:54 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.
Talk to her!

Why do I keep having the feeling that you're holding back from saying anything to her and then coming here to express what's going on? The safety issue is very important, in addition to everything else.
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  #34  
Old 11-29-2010, 02:31 PM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Talk to her!

Why do I keep having the feeling that you're holding back from saying anything to her and then coming here to express what's going on? The safety issue is very important, in addition to everything else.
We have no comminication problem we talk about it everyday and We do couples councelling. it all boils down to gf sticking to her guns and not willing to compromise. I am supposed to just suck it up but I don't know how long should I continue to be patient and continue to feel unhappy.
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  #35  
Old 11-29-2010, 04:11 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
We have no comminication problem we talk about it everyday and We do couples councelling. it all boils down to gf sticking to her guns and not willing to compromise. I am supposed to just suck it up but I don't know how long should I continue to be patient and continue to feel unhappy.

Bluntness time..sorry my friend


Tell her you are not going to marry her. Not that you will leave her necassarily, but that you won't further entangle yourself with her unless she can get it through her head that relationships are not all about her getting exactly what she wants all the time. I seriously suspect you will end up being a paycheck and "child custodian". Is she really poly or are you just very convenient and reliable for her?
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  #36  
Old 11-29-2010, 05:23 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Tell her you are not going to marry her. Not that you will leave her necassarily, but that you won't further entangle yourself with her unless she can get it through her head that relationships are not all about her getting exactly what she wants all the time. I seriously suspect you will end up being a paycheck and "child custodian". Is she really poly or are you just very convenient and reliable for her?
Unfortunately, I have to agree with Mono here.
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  #37  
Old 11-29-2010, 05:32 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
We have no comminication problem we talk about it everyday and We do couples councelling. it all boils down to gf sticking to her guns and not willing to compromise. I am supposed to just suck it up but I don't know how long should I continue to be patient and continue to feel unhappy.
If you're not happy this isn't the right relationship for you. You shouldn't be in a relationship where you aren't happy with the way things are going. I'm going to guess that she isn't willing to compromise because then she wouldn't be happy with her relationship(s).

Mono is right, at this point you really shouldn't be getting married. Marriage isn't a magic pill that makes things better in relationships. If things don't feel right to you now how are you going to feel 5 or 10 years down the road when things haven't changed in a way that suits your needs? It sounds to me like you're at a place where you may need to redefine your relationship with her. I'm not saying that you should break up. You say that you love her. Maybe you need to talk to her about wanting to be able to keep on loving her but not being able to see how that can happen if things keep being the same way they are now. In your current situation you're just going to end up resenting her for not being able to be the wife and mother you need her to be.

The beautiful thing about relationships (when we're not busy listening to the 'should's' of the outside world) is that we have the opportunity to create them in whatever fashion best suits our needs. Maybe you and your girlfriend are better off dating and being co-parents than you would be as married partners. Maybe you would be better off in 2 separate houses or apartments. Only you and she can determine what relationship structure is going to be the healthiest for the both of you and for your child.

You shouldn't be miserable, nor should you wait around for someone to change to make you happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. Decide what you need to be happy and then start working on a plan as to how to make that happen. Best of luck

-Derby
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  #38  
Old 11-29-2010, 09:42 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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I thought I posted this already but don't see it showing up so here it is again......Yes I am a man and yes I did agree to poly when my gf suggested it. She was unhappy and felt that poly was the solution to keep us together as a family. Then the first guy she meets she falls head over heels in NRE for and I felt our daughter and I were completely blanked. she wants to see him at least one full day a week. I want a poly break so that we can work on us and look after daughter and rapidly upcoming wedding. I am looking to compromise as I feel she is giving an ultimatum. I want gf and OP to enjoy time together but I feel family is losing out. Any good compromise ideas would be warmly welcome.
Late comment....But if you already agreed to poly and now have a change of heart then that should have been discussed before marriage especially if that is a contingency of you marring her. I also wonder if there was a sense of unhappiness why was there a marriage proposal...I'd suggest you pump your brakes and reevaluate your relationship and don't use marriage as a fix all......becasue like NRE the honey moon stage wears off then you/her are back to unhappiness.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-30-2010 at 12:18 AM.
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  #39  
Old 01-30-2011, 10:57 PM
Polyaine Polyaine is offline
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Wow, I read this thread with my heart in my mouth. I am Nightwalker's then gf now wife. I found reading the responses to Nightwalker's post extremely powerful. All of Nightwalker's concerns and issues were discussed openly with me even as he was posting them here and we have tried our best to address them all. It has been a very challenging first year being poly. Thank you to all who posted. Nightwalker was having a really tough time in November and I am really glad that he found a place to ask his questions. Our poly community is really small and very changeable. For reasons better not mentioned Nightwalker could not express his difficulties in our local poly group, glad he found the forum.
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  #40  
Old 01-30-2011, 11:07 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
well she asked me if we could try poly and I agreed but I also said I didn't think it was the right time as we have 19month old. I notice none of the replies to my post mention our child. we decided to get married after poly came into our lives. I feel that other relationship is interfering with our family as we try to become good parents and work on our own relationship issues which I feel brought poly into our life in the first place
Well, the replies haven't mentioned your child for a reason. A child realy isn't a reason to end a poly arrangement--lots of poly folks have children and it doesn't have much to do with whether or not the adults get, or stay, involved in a poly tangle. There's nothing about having a toddler that makes poly untenable.

That sounds to me like nothing other than a rationalization to avoid dealing with an actual issue. Here's the thing: dealing with issues is much better for any sort of relationship than avoiding issues. So, I'll recommend sorting out what the actuall issues are and dealing with those instead of scrambling to find excuses to rationalize motives and avoid settling issues.
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