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  #71  
Old 02-04-2011, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by maca View Post

I know its alot to ask for LR, but thank you for your continued patience and love.
Stay strong brother.
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  #72  
Old 02-04-2011, 03:50 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So what if LR slept on the couch, why make it all about you and have a tantrum? Can't she want to be alone, ever, without it meaning something big and heavy about you?

.


Absolutly, she can and should have alone time. I have tried to afford her that so many times and the answer is always " I cant" for some reason or another.

We have both talked about the importance of taking a " time out" to regroup and give ourselves time to think. We have agreed that we need to tell the other that we are "taking a time out and that we will come back". We talked, had what LR agreed to as a good talk and then she turned the light out. I awoke to find her sleeping either on the couch or in GG's bed ( while he slept on the floor upstairs). Its not a matter of alone time its about not sharing that she needed/wanted alone time AND that she would return at some point.

Its part of fair fighting, which addmitadly I dont NOT always follow very well.
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  #73  
Old 02-04-2011, 04:15 AM
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Maca, I didn't mean to sound harsh. But to me, it seems you both need to be more gentle with yourselves, without the self-pity, and to each other. And to be on the lookout for those things that you find offensive, so you can examine why you react that way. For example, maybe she still intended to come back, but in the morning, not when you thought she should. But when you're feeling vulnerable and hyper-sensitive, it's easy to blow things out of proportion.

Relationships are hard sometimes, but you are both much more in tune with what's going on with yourselves than most folks are, so you're really ahead of the game and have a better chance at making it work than lots of the poor bastards out there!

You two can do it!
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #74  
Old 02-04-2011, 04:25 AM
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Im sorry if I came across as defensive. That was not my intention. Its hard.....

Im going to stop writing now and take a time out. Ill spend some time thinking and Ill come back to this tomorrow evening.
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  #75  
Old 02-04-2011, 05:54 AM
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Im making a mess of our relationship, Im hurting the only woman that I love and Im miserable. I suggested that I should move out because it dosnt matter how much reading,talking,counseling,posting or how vulnerable I am. Its ( I have no other words to express this) never enough. LR writes all over the place that if she could leave this life behind she would. She cant bring herself to do it, for many reasons,but that dosnt mean that she wouldnt if she could.
For what it's worth, I get this and have done it many time and it pisses my husband off everytime. I fully admit and agree that it is lousy fight tactics and it accomplishes nothing (working toward change). The thing is, in the heat of the moment, it does seem like the only option available when the pain is so unbearable that it is crushing your heart from the inside.

Quote:
Im afraid of what could happen with the surgery on my arm.
Hugs, prayers and possitive thoughts for the best outcome and recovery. Some men just have to be the hero

Quote:
The first therapist is christian based and I dont feel like I can talk to him about poly anything. LR thinks that I dont need to talk about poly, that my issues have nothing to do with poly or the fact that she had an affair and is now openly in a relationship and having sex with another man. She may or may not be completly right about that, but I cant be open and honest if Im leaving out one of the major parts of my life.
You won't know until you try. I have heard others here just flat tell the therapist that "this is my life, help me navigate within it". It seemed to work for them, worth a try.

Quote:
I do appreciate the fact that our relationship means so much to her that she is willing to go through that much effort in the hopes that we can work things out. I know that she loves me more than most anything else in this world.

I know its alot to ask for LR, but thank you for your continued patience and love.
I think she needs to hear this more. She thinks you are worth it, don't forget that!
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  #76  
Old 02-04-2011, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
You're working on it! That says a lot in, & of, itself! You care enough about the rest of the family to work on yourself in order to be there for them when they need you.

Many, MANY hugs to all of you, extra ones for all the kiddos. I wish Ontario was a lot closer to Alaska so I could deliver those hugs in person *sigh*.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LR, it's not the end of the world. You seem to be feeling victimized. You seem to focus on the idea that Maca attacked you, and now you've had enough. It may be true, but you are strong, step back and take an objective look at things. You've been hurting and upset for a while now, and are exasperated with it all. You seem to be unraveling and losing patience, I think because you've spread yourself too thin. I think you need more "me" time to take care of yourself, just as Maca does. The two of you can come together stronger and more in love if you both stop looking at the other to complete you and be compassionate with yourselves. If you were in NYC (and I could afford it), I'd give you a spa day.

That's how I see it. Hope you don't mind me jumping in. I say all this with affection and sending you good vibes.
Thank you both.
Yes, I DO need time to myself. I'm TRYING very hard to look inward at myself and identify what it is that I need, state it without condemnation or blame and then hold myself accountable to giving it to myself.
It's not easy.
But, with the support of honest friends like all of you-I know I can manage it.
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  #77  
Old 02-04-2011, 11:36 AM
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Maca: I don't think LR means to simply run away from the life you have together. You ALL mean so much more to her than that. (Please LR, correct me if I'm wrong on this.)

I think she's wanting to run away from responsibility and sucky situations for a short time hence the trip later this year to a polycon--so she can regroup & rediscover HERSELF.

Look at it--she's your wife, a mom AND grandma (to be? not sure if the baby was born yet?), teacher, therapist, doctor/nurse, lover, best friend, chief cook & bottle washer and so many other things thrown in there!

When you're the type of person who gives and gives and gives of yourself so others can be happy and who and what they are you (generic you) end up giving so much that it's detrimental to yourself as a whole.

From what I can read of LR here and at WordPress she's a VERY loving person who, a lot of the time, gives too much of herself, time and resources. When you give too much of yourself it's hard, really hard, to be selfish and simply say "back off, give me some space so I can breathe". It also tends to deplete your reserves of patience & being willing to give so when the giving becomes too much you simply MUST step back & breathe. She is learning this, please be patient.

Remember: there IS a reason the two of you fell in love. Something each of you saw in the other that attracted you to each other. What was that something? (You don't have to answer here)

Despite the fact you are currently having problems you DO love each other. I can see it in the words I read from both of you. You wouldn't be here, venting (or venting to someone face to face) if you weren't trying to find the rhyme and reason to what's going on.

Is there a way the two of you could maybe step back from the current situation and just appreciate what you mean to each other? Take a time out and just visit with each other without talking about the problems and appreciate what you like about each other?

I may be WAY off base here but I'm wondering, Maca, if you've really forgiven LR AND GG for the cheating and deception. There's another thread here that talks about thinking you've forgiven and/or forgotten past transgressions when you really haven't, all you've done is found a way around it rather than facing it head on & banishing it to the aether.

Good luck on your surgery next week. Try not to dwell on the dismal way the doctors are talking. They're just trying to not get your hopes up that you will have 100% use of that arm again. There's a better than even chance that you WILL regain most, if not all, the use in that arm eventually.

Many hugs to all of you. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Last edited by Breathesgirl; 02-04-2011 at 11:39 AM. Reason: corrected spelling
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  #78  
Old 02-04-2011, 11:54 PM
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Breathes-
you are correct.

I hate the unnecessary drama.
I hate living with people who don't chose to think before they speak/act.
I hate living with people who don't take full responsibility for their own words and actions.


That doesn't mean I hate the people. I don't.
I don't stay because I CAN'T leave.

I stay because I believe that they can change.

For example, Maca keeps telling me he WANTS to change.

So-change, yes you are going to screw up in the process-but when you do, accept the consequences (including me being pissed off at you for treating me like shit) with grace and the understanding that you screwed up. Acknowledge your screw up honestly and openly so that we can help you fix it.

Don't threaten to walk out.
Don't make excuses like "she hates it here" when the problem is that YOU said YOU wanted to change and YOU screwed up.
Don't blame others or try to avoid taking the blame.
Don't give up.

I fuck up all of the time-ALL OF THE TIME.
I'm expected to deal with the consequences.

Lets be fair-lets be reasonable.

Stop playing "poor poor me" music
and
start playing "what did I do to exacerbate or cause this situation? How can I fix it now?" music IN OUR OWN EARS AND THEN START ACTING ON IT.
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  #79  
Old 02-05-2011, 02:34 AM
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I've been so out of the loop of lately but I did skim through some of the last ten postings. LR, I totally agree with your last posting. It's hard to do for many people- and many people do not live that way-in a way that makes it 'simple'- but it's not impossible to accomplish. However, it does take the ability to look long, hard, and honestly at oneself and vow to make those changes by exercising moment-by-moment awareness. It'll be ugly, it'll be draining, and it just may clear out various things in one's life that they didn't realize needed to be cleared out but there will come a time, looking back on the most trying times of the process, of clarity and satisfaction. I'm sending you and yours loads of love, support, and reflection vibes~~~~~*hugs*
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  #80  
Old 02-05-2011, 05:36 AM
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Thank you Eclektic (I don't know how to spell it and I can't see it from this screen sorry!)

I talked with maca tonight.

He's back in a place where he says that he understands that he needs to choose to "take a leap of faith" because he's afraid that if he is vulnerable (and honest) with anyone-they will take advantage of his vulnerablilities.
He's also back in a place where he says that he knows I have been trying to be supportive of him.

There's so much more.

The bottom line is-this isn't a new place for him, for us. It's the same place that we've been in for years now. He rocks back and forth between "oh my god I'm such a fuck up" and "fuck you it's all your fault"...

I told him this evening-I love him.
If my choice is to live with the REAL him-the him that is happy with himself and being true to himself, or without him-I would choose to be with him.

But-
if the choice is to continue to live with this version of him that reminds me of a demon-possessed person in the movies, or without him. I would choose to be without him.

I also told him-that I can't continue to battle FOR him at the expense of myself and our children.
So, either he makes the choice to do the battle for himself-with himself or I won't have a choice but to leave. He knows-I would never keep the kids from him. But I didn't mince words that as things stand, he can't take care of himself emotionally-so I can't trust him to take care of our children.

He didn't argue or disagree. He's heartbroken (still/again), he understands at the moment.

I pray this is the moment where it "sticks" and he commits to moving forward.
I worry that it's not.
But I pray that it is.
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