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  #31  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:23 PM
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Ahhh...Ok. Thank you for the clarification.
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  #32  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
I also noticed how one doesn't want you going out with the other while he's at work.
Actually-he just doesn't want me to go out at all. He's sure that every little move is a "sign" that I'm going to leave him, that I'm "planning a new life" for just me and GG and I'm going to leave.

There isn't any logic reason to believe that based on past behavior-I'm not going anywhere.

Maca would actually prefer that if I'm going to spend time with GG-it's when he's at work or otherwise unavailable. He gets flat fucking pissed off if I plan anything-ANYTHING with GG when he's home. When he's here, that's "his" time.
Period.
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  #33  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:29 PM
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No Problem TLR.

I'm working through things-in my head and in my heart.

I took Maca out to dinner last night. We had a nice dinner and a nice talk.
This morning he took a huge step and went to the coffee shop for coffee (which he likes to do in the mornings on days off) and woke me so I could go spend 30 minutes with GG before the day started.



One step.
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  #34  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:47 PM
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I also took steps with my wife L and her bf.

I had them go out on a "date" with him which was a scavenger hunt. They had to find certain things and photograph them with the phone and text them to me...in order.

Some of the things I had them do, were highly sexual in nature. I did that to prove to them (and myself) that I had no issues with them playing without me present. (One of the things was a pic of her holding his...ummm...yeah...that)

I had them do this while I was at work. This way, I knew exactly where they were, and I wasn't QUITE as worried about her. I KNOW she won't leave me for anyone else. But for some odd reason, I get bent about her on a date while I'm at work. It still bugs me even after the scavenger hunt experiment. Sooo....yeah.


Now, I thought it would be a problem to see her kissing another guy. So I had her do it and get a pic of it and text it to me. THAT seemed to have worked for me. As I have no issues with seeing this anymore.

Baby steps are the way to go LR. baby steps. The problem, is that often times, the baby steps...are too small, and take too long. And this will ruin a relationship quickly. So sometimes, someone has to simply accept the fact that they are uncomfortable with a certain action and either allow it to happen...or end the relationship.

My wife is somewhat jealous from time to time. It makes it highly difficult for me. But I still push forward and try to see where the boundries are. Most boundries I don't know about until I hit them. It makes it difficult.
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  #35  
Old 11-26-2010, 02:18 AM
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I remember when you organized the scavenger hunt.
I totally agree with the concept of baby steps.

My issue is the combination of-

*we all live together
*we HAVE lived together for 7 years, February will be 8 years.
*It's been 14 months since we agreed to poly.
*Maca's ok with himself doing ALL of these behaviors w/his gf publicly
*and in front of me
*there's no timeline or set of steps to follow towards "normal behavior"
*Maca wants to be a part of my time w/GG AND not see affection-which essentially drops poly out of the picture for GG and I, because if we did things Maca's way-we'd never be together w/o Maca AND therefore we'd never be affectionate-even so much as I am with "normal" friends
*Maca wants to be free to do all of these things with his gf any time SHE is available w/ no forethought to how it fits into our schedule and family

I see this as a severe double standard, one I've been trying to patiently work with in order for Maca to have time to work on his insecurities and know that I will always love him and I'm not leaving-but I don't believe that he's ACTUALLY doing that.
I think he is saying the words-but not holding himself accountable to actually do the work required to deal with insecurities.

OF COURSE I also have insecurities.
It was devastatingly difficult when we were in different states and he was falling in love with his GF, taking her home to our house (against his set rules), then to our bed (against his set rules), making out with her and dating her (behind my back) etc....

I gave him grace, because it was his first time and I felt that he deserved to have grace for making some FUCKED UP mistakes.
But the further things progress the more I feel/sense that he's operating from the mono mindset that I'm moving on-so he's going to also.

Except-I'm not moving on.
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  #36  
Old 11-26-2010, 02:40 AM
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LR,
I would agree that this is a severe double standard. However, sometimes, we have them. I have no idea WHY....but we do. YOUR choice is to either LIVE with the double standard...or....leave. Sometimes, the choices are not always so bright, and there is no right choice. And sometimes, the one we NEED to make, is the one we don't WANT to make. :/
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  #37  
Old 11-26-2010, 04:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
LR,
I would agree that this is a severe double standard. However, sometimes, we have them. I have no idea WHY....but we do. YOUR choice is to either LIVE with the double standard...or....leave. Sometimes, the choices are not always so bright, and there is no right choice. And sometimes, the one we NEED to make, is the one we don't WANT to make. :/
Very true TL (did I write TLR before? Sorry).

That's why I told him he needed to "move out" until he made a decision. This is my family-and I want it.
There are 10 of us. He is one.
I want him, I love him, but I sure as hell am not giving up the other 8 for him. I just can't do that to myself.

I can give up a LOT of shit-for him or for others.
But not my family.
GG has been part of my family for 17 years, Mimi for 22 years. I love Maca, I love him dearly and I want him to be a part of our family. So does everyone else.
But he has to be willing to be a part of our family for that to work.

I know he wants to-he's scared.
I hope he takes that fear by the scruff of it's neck and puts it in it's place, because we all love him and we all want him
AND

we ALL think he's worthy of being a part of this family and that we will all benefit from him being part of it-for LIFE.
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  #38  
Old 11-27-2010, 06:33 AM
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Default Well....

I am new to all of this but not new to the bullshit of someone saying what they think you want to hear and feeling something completely different. There is no way in hell you could convince me he really wants to live in a poly relationship with you and GG. He wants you, and since he has others he wants them. But, he doesn't want you to have another. He honestly can't deal with it. He has peed all over you to mark his territory but does not want to allow you the same priviledges he enjoys. Move on, hold onto GG and find more and better love with another. Despite what people say, it is what they do that really counts. And his strict rules and jealousy say the opposite of what his mouth puts out there. I feel for you and hope you can move on to something better and leave the ugly bullshit behind.
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  #39  
Old 11-27-2010, 11:17 AM
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Thinking over the things which have been said on this thread over the last little while brings to mind my boys' dad.

He's super jealous, holds a grudge for ever & a year (not that Maca does as you haven't mentioned it), didn't like me going out without him, even for groceries, couldn't stand it if I was talking on the phone or computer because then he couldn't hear the other end of the conversation (I guess he thought I was talking in code about him???), has a very foul temper, tries to talk to whoever's on the phone while they're trying to carry on a conversation with someone else ....

I was extremely unhappy when I was with him & still don't know what attracted me to him. I ended up having to leave him because I couldn't handle it any more. I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life because I had lost the few friends I had through his mental & emotional abuse.

I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you. I hope Maca finds it in his heart & mind to forgive you and GG and to come home so all of you can forge a new path forward TOGETHER.
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  #40  
Old 11-28-2010, 12:54 AM
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Breathes-
I hope he does too.

I think we're making progress in terms of figuring out where we each are (Maca and I) and what that MEANS.

We took a long walk (freezing fucking cold walk I might add) on Thanksgiving. He's been reading this thread-just not writing. (thank you M).

We talked about how it felt to him to read it, how his first response was wanting to write out a big long defense. But, instead he took a drive, and thought over the situation and decided that defending himself, he COULD make it look different, but it wouldn't help anything.

The bottom line is that he's never had anyone like me in his life. He's had a life full of liars and cheats who were ONLY out for themself. I did lie. I did cheat. I wasn't only out for myself. I did admit I was wrong-but not because I got caught. I admit I was wrong-because I was wrong and I don't want to be those things.
But that is a totally new reaction for him to see.

That said-he has a lot of shit to work through. He is seeing it more, through his own eyes. He doesn't like what he see's, but my prayer is that he also see's the good side of what could be. It doesn't have to be the shithole he's used to.
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