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Old 11-22-2010, 05:05 PM
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Technicandy Technicandy is offline
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Question Too Fast?

So. Something happened between a poly friend and myself a few nights ago that has been nagging at me horribly, but I don't have any friends who would understand/aren't too involved to talk to. But I need to talk about it, so naturally I began looking for help elsewhere, and my searching has led me here to this wonderful site that seems to be brimming with helpful information/people. I've been poking through the threads for a while now, but I haven't seen much mentioning something like my particular situation, so here I am to ask for advice.

I'll start by stating that I am apparently a unicorn (I had no idea of the term until this morning, but I do appreciate the humor) in that I am a young (21) bisexual female with an interest in poly relationships, though I don't have any personal experience...or at least I didn't up until a few nights ago.

I have a group of four friends, all of whom are poly (though not all together--they're just roomies who share every now and then). Two of them have been friends with me since I was in high school (though they were older) and the other two I've only just met recently, but have become close with rather quickly. It's with these latter two that my problem(?) arises. I'm quite attracted to both of them (they are both male, if that's important for any reason) but hadn't thought to bring it up because frankly I was under the misconception that both of them were only interested in men. I found out otherwise the other night while one of them was out of town and I was left alone with the other while my original friends had gone to bed. He playfully suggested getting a little cuddly and I definitely wasn't opposed. Well...one thing led to another and here I am with my dilemma.

I don't know what this new intimacy means.

I'm not terribly experienced in relationships to begin with, so things like casual sex and polyamory (as interested as I am in it) are quite outside my normal spectrum. I'm entirely out of my element here, I'm not sure what to do. I'd certainly like to continue this relationship, and my friend has indicated that he would too, but I'm not sure if it would just be with him or if his partner would be involved as well (which I certainly wouldn't be opposed to)--or if he's even going to tell his partner what happened (I honestly don't know what I'll do if he doesn't).

Mostly I'd just like a little reassurance or advice so I stop driving myself crazy thinking that I've utterly ruined a blossoming friendship by jumping into the sack with my friend too quickly (though I'll remind he was the one to initiate it). Should I call him and talk? Or just wait until I see him again and talk then? (I intend on talking to him either way, but if this is more casual than I'm thinking, I don't want to appear clingy/awkward). Please help? <3
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:40 PM
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Penny Penny is offline
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Polyamory is all about open communication. Your concerns are real and valid.

You should talk to your friend, sooner rather than later. If you are uncomfortable talking in person, email is an acceptable alternative.

Sex, even casual sex, is serious business and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that something at least somewhat important happened between you.

If I read correctly, the salient points are:

1) You don't want any secrets as that would certainly damage his relationship with his partner, and living dishonestly is just a bad thing all around.

2) You are happy that it happened, and would enjoy exploring further. (I advise that you don't go further until he's spoken to his partner and then to you about the results.)

3) You also like his partner and would be cool with including him as well, though that is not a requirement.

4) You value the friendship and want to be certain that sex will not interfere with it.

If I've read correctly, then these are the points you need to make to your friend. You are not being clingy or pushy. Just express these points in a calm and rational manner. They are things that need to be said.

Good luck! If all works out well, looks like you could be headed for a wonderful adventure. Don't ignore your feelings or dismiss them. Remember, open, honest, and timely communication is the key to making any relationship work.
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:54 PM
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What Penny said
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Old 11-22-2010, 11:08 PM
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Yep. What Penny said.
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:01 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Technicandy View Post
I'll start by stating that I am apparently a unicorn (I had no idea of the term until this morning, but I do appreciate the humor) in that I am a young (21) bisexual female with an interest in poly relationships, though I don't have any personal experience...

A "unicorn" is a bisexual woman of ANY age who is SPECIFICALLY interested in becoming involved with a male-female couple with the goal of being a poly-fi closed triad.


If you're simply bi and open to polyamorous relationships, you're just a... bi female who is interested in poly relationships. There is no special name for that because it's relatively common.
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:58 AM
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Ah. My mistake then.
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Old 11-23-2010, 06:49 AM
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I'm sorry Technicandy, but you cheated with this man it seems to me... that is really too bad as it causes a world of trouble and often means that things are strained afterward as people who are cheated ON have very strong feelings of betrayal and disrespect. Your consenting to his advances because he made the first move is meaningless here, as you CONSENTED. You had a chance to back down at that point and you didn't.

I would be very wary of this being a casual fuck for him and not a chance for happy romance. Call me a skeptic, but it could happen... especially as he has now cheated on his partner. This could of happened for a number of reasons, curiosity in that you are female, because you are cute, he thought he could get away with it and he knew you think he is hot and thought it would be a boost to his ego to seduce you... all of these things are very different when there are agreements in place, rather than no agreements in place... do you know what agreements and boundaries they have negotiated?

I would suggest reading here and seeing what you can find to educate yourself. I think that talking to your friend is a good idea to find out where he is at, so that you can assess what will happen next. You can certainly tell him how you feel, but if there is silence and then a whole lot of ignoring you that follows? I would be pretty sure you were a booty call and that was it.
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:32 AM
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Hm, I disagree with Redpepper on this one. Polyamory aside (and you don't say you ARE poly, right?), what is it that YOU want? Do you want to pursue a relationship, even if it's just fuckbuddies, with your friend? If you do, then it would be a good idea to talk to him and let him know. If he's poly and in another relationship, it's HIS responsibility to talk to his partner and figure things out, not yours. I don't see that you did anything wrong since it was spontaneous and no one had defined any relationship boundaries beforehand... but you may end up feeling hurt if you aren't honest with yourself and with him about what you want/need.

Last edited by geminigirl; 11-23-2010 at 10:37 AM.
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm sorry Technicandy, but you cheated with this man it seems to me... that is really too bad as it causes a world of trouble and often means that things are strained afterward as people who are cheated ON have very strong feelings of betrayal and disrespect. Your consenting to his advances because he made the first move is meaningless here, as you CONSENTED. You had a chance to back down at that point and you didn't.
I'm well aware that this was very casual, but I will clarify that I know it wasn't cheating because I did ask him about that before we got too far. He and his partner have an open relationship when it comes to sex, so neither of us broke any rules by becoming intimate. I'd just like him to tell his partner anyways because even if it's allowed, if this relationship continues I don't want to feel like we're sneaking around behind his back.

And as for the sex being curiosity that I am a female, I should also clarify that I'm not the first female they've had in their relationship. I've found out from talking to a mutual friend of ours that a few months before I met them they were in a serious relationship with a female partner, and that things ended badly and she left but they stayed together. There is a possibility that they could be seeking someone to fill that hole, but I'm absolutely being realistic about this. There is that possibility, but I'm not going to trick myself into thinking this is more serious than it is just because I want a romantic relationship with them. I hope that there's a future for this relationship, but if it was just casual sex then I'm fine with that too, as long as I'm still able to be friends with the two of them in the long run. My biggest worry I guess is that I've ruined my chances of having any sort of deep relationship with them, friendship or otherwise.

Either way I've written him an email and finally gotten up the courage to send it, so I suppose now it's just a waiting game to find out where this is going and if we (I) made a mistake by jumping the gun for sex because of mutual physical attraction.

But thank you everyone who's replied, it really has helped me a lot just to get a little perspective on this. I really do appreciate it~
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Technicandy View Post
I'm well aware that this was very casual, but I will clarify that I know it wasn't cheating because I did ask him about that before we got too far. He and his partner have an open relationship when it comes to sex, so neither of us broke any rules by becoming intimate.
thanks for clarifying. To me it shows respect and consideration to check what is going on for them and what they have agreed to with each other.
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Originally Posted by Technicandy View Post
And as for the sex being curiosity that I am a female, I should also clarify that I'm not the first female they've had in their relationship. I've found out from talking to a mutual friend of ours that a few months before I met them they were in a serious relationship with a female partner, and that things ended badly and she left but they stayed together. There is a possibility that they could be seeking someone to fill that hole, but I'm absolutely being realistic about this.
It sounds like you have a better idea of what is going on than I originally thought. good to know. thanks again for clarifying.
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Originally Posted by Technicandy View Post
There is that possibility, but I'm not going to trick myself into thinking this is more serious than it is just because I want a romantic relationship with them. I hope that there's a future for this relationship, but if it was just casual sex then I'm fine with that too, as long as I'm still able to be friends with the two of them in the long run. My biggest worry I guess is that I've ruined my chances of having any sort of deep relationship with them, friendship or otherwise.
I agree with you, telling his partner will help with deeping your relationship, if that is what he also wants. It sounds like you know where you want to go... lets hope that they also want something similar.
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Originally Posted by Technicandy View Post
Either way I've written him an email and finally gotten up the courage to send it, so I suppose now it's just a waiting game to find out where this is going and if we (I) made a mistake by jumping the gun for sex because of mutual physical attraction.
good luck, crossing fingers for you.
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