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  #11  
Old 12-03-2010, 03:14 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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Just venting really... Recap: on Halloween, Mal and I told Beth and Caleb that we needed a month to have a break, to get ourselves back together and get some space etc, before trying to be friends again. (More backstory is in the links I put up in the first post.) We also told them that, since we'd been initiating a lot of the "trying to be friends," we were going to wait for them to make contact. Over this month, Mal and I have decided that we aren't going to try to be friends. It's really difficult for me - I love Beth, I still have feelings for Beth, but I can't let my life descend into chaos and pain because someone I care about won't make the life choices that they need to make to be safe and happy. I'm absolutely convinced from what we heard and saw during September / October that Caleb will hurt someone again, probably seriously. Beth agrees, she's said so to my face; but she continues to stay with him and support him, and if she's around him or with him everything she says is twisted to keep him happy.

I hate this. I am convinced that Beth has a mentally / emotionally abusive relationship with Caleb. I wanted - want - to help her get out of it. But every time we've tried, she turns around and hurts us and pushes us away. It's even more frustrating that she's the one that initiates "getting away from Caleb"; we never gave her ultimatums, never told her what to do, just supported her when she wanted to leave, and we're the ones that get slammed.

This is the second day since the month is over. We haven't heard from Beth or Caleb yet - not sure if we will. They're still on our fb friends. Beth's on facebook right now, and part of me wants so desperately to message her, to see if she's all right, to try to make up. But I tried that already, multiple times, and she'd make up just to make a complete 180 hours later. I can't do that. It's partly why we decided we needed a break. I need to know that my relationships, even just casual friendships, aren't going to be arbitrarily cut off and then put back together every week or two.

I've read a bit on helping people with abusive relationships, and most of it just comes down to being supportive while not putting yourself in harm's way. In some ways I feel like a selfish coward - couldn't I just put up with a bit of mind games to help someone I really care about? But the thinking part of me knows I can't do this. I'm almost failing multiple classes. I NEVER fail classes - the lowest grade I've EVER received before this semester was a B+, and I'm in my 5th year of college. The drama with Beth and Caleb really messed me up this semester. I love her, I want to make life wonderful and sweet for her, but I have to let her go, or I'm going to self-destruct along with her.

Sorry for the rant. Feeling rather emotional right now... I think it'll be a long while before I'm really "over" Beth.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #12  
Old 12-09-2010, 12:48 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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Just a little bit of an update... Finals are coming full-blast, three last big assignments, all due next week, and four big exams next week. So I'm pretty busy with school.

I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I last posted. I'm not happy with the situation, certainly, but it's more of a dull ache than the searing unhappiness that it was that night.

I've started talking to a few people now on OK Cupid, one especially. Can't say for sure if anything will come of any of them at this point, but it's encouraging just to be able to talk openly with people who know that I'm poly.

Mal's expressed some discomfort with poly in general over the past few days, but we're definitely still talking about it, and I *think* that it's mostly him dealing with some of the potential realities of poly. I told him that at this point I could drop poly, and move on; I wouldn't like it, but I could do it. Then I told him my fear would be that we would end up having the poly discussion again in the future, only next time there would be a person waiting in the wings, and the discussion would be much more difficult. Mal's conclusion was that, while he still wants to keep talking about poly, he's still cool with me messaging people on OK Cupid. So, hopefully things will keep working out fine. I'm a little frightened that when I actually want to meet a potential partner he's going to object, but there isn't much to do for that but to keep talking, keep being honest with each other about where we're at, and see what happens. I'd much rather hear from him now that he's uncomfortable than to have him hide it until it comes to a point where he's totally uncomfortable and needs me to stop NOW. At least at this point we're mostly on the same page.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #13  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:24 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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The one person in particular and I are still messaging on OK Cupid, and I'm seeing the potential for it to move off the computer to an actual meeting, so last night I had another serious talk with Mal. He shared that he's feeling afraid of losing me, but at the same time he realizes that it's not logical / not likely to actually happen, and he doesn't want to be controlled by feelings that he knows aren't rational. And even if finding someone for a triad was likely, he doesn't feel ready to consider adding another relationship to his life right now - he's still hurting too much from losing Beth and all of the associated friends. So he's ok with me meeting this one person, if it comes to that. We'll keep talking about future possibilities. We also talked about ways that I can help him see that I'm not interested in leaving him. He emphasized me *doing* things, like helping with chores or doing something nice for him just because, so I'm going to try extra hard to make sure that sort of thing happens.

I'm also happy that Mal's taking the initiative to spend time with other people as friends. He had a friend over for the night a week ago yesterday, he's been spending more time hanging out with people at school, made some plans with a couple of school friends to start a DnD campaign, and he made a last-minute trip last night to bring up another friend of his - I'll call him J - for the weekend. I don't like J much myself, but... Mal needs friends, he needs people he can talk to and BS with besides just me, and I can deal with a bit of irritation to have J here for the weekend if it means that Mal will be happier. They were up till 5 am this morning playing video games and catching up. I think I'm going to try to get a nice breakfast going for when Mal wakes up.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #14  
Old 12-15-2010, 10:40 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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A bit of weirdness on OKC - I messaged someone that has a lot of interests in common with me, she messaged me back, etc. She looked vaguely familiar, but that happens to me a lot and I didn't think much of it. Showed her picture to Mal earlier today, and he's like "I know that girl." We're pretty sure she works at the video rental place not a block from our house. If we're right, she's actually someone Mal and I have liked for a long time - pretty much since we moved here - just never talked to outside of the renting-a-movie context. I'll have to just take things a day at a time, same as I would any other person I meet on OKC... Feeling a little embarrassed now about all the times we've messed around (just being goofy) in front of her lol. No idea if she recognizes me or not.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #15  
Old 12-21-2010, 07:08 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Default Loneliness, self-consciousness, and Mal

Last night I was really struggling with loneliness. We had some issues yesterday morning (car troubles) that really brought home to me that I don't have any good friends in the area. And, the first person I'd been really in-depth messaging on OKC hasn't messaged me in over a week, and some things on her profile make me think that she's continuing to message others. I'm looking forward to spending time with family over Christmas, but apprehensive because there is so much (including Poly) that I'm not willing to talk about with them just yet. To top it all off, Mal has found a group of people that he enjoys spending time with on Xbox Live, and he's spent a ton of time on there over the last week. Great for him, I'm really glad that he's socializing and enjoying it, but it just emphasizes even more for me just how little I have in the way of friends.

I journaled a lot last night, mostly about being lonely / wanting close friends and/or a female partner, and I think I hit on something that I'm really going to need to deal with. I have a tendency to think that the slightest sign of dislike towards me from another person means that they hate me, think I'm ugly or dumb or horribly arrogant. It's really hard for me to say that maybe it was just circumstances, or maybe it's not personal, or maybe they do hate, say, science geeks, and I should just move on and not beat myself up about it. I think this is part of the reason that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to make friends and include myself in social groups. I see someone's face quirk when they look in my direction, and I think, "They don't really like me, they think I'm dumb, I should just stay away and not make it awkward." Maybe that's the case sometimes, but I think I spend too much time worrying about what people think of me and not enough time just being myself, being nice to others, and having fun. Mal's said that about me since I knew him lol I think it's one of the issues I'm going to have to work on fixing in myself on my journey to develop a social group and maybe another relationship.

I asked Mal again today on how he's feeling with "me looking for a girlfriend." He basically said that he doesn't know how he feels. I could psychoanalyze it for hours, but... I don't think it's really worth it. He seems supportive, he hasn't asked me to stop, I think he's really appreciated the work I've put in to 'acts of love' recently, so I'm not going to worry about it too much unless and until he says otherwise. I'll keep asking him periodically and letting him know how things are going.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #16  
Old 01-02-2011, 06:20 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Have you received you final grades for the semester yet?

I hope you had a great holiday season.

So have you and Mal discussed whether or not you are going to pursue the video store chick?

It is tough when you reflect and realize you don't have many friendships of substance locally. I know the feeling all too well since I move every few years to different cities and/or states. I've been in Colorado for two years and hesitate to identify, maybe, three local people as people I could consider friends. They are all 'great' people but I don't know if I would consider them true 'friends' to me.

Yea...you want to work on that self-image. It's hard not to let your mind create its own reality regarding how others see you but we cannot do that. Mainly, we cannot let others' opinons of us hold that much weight in our lives, first and foremost.

Looking forward to your next posting. *hugs*
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  #17  
Old 01-06-2011, 03:28 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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I haven't been on here or OKC much for a while - mostly I've been busy out doing things, which is a good change of pace.

My grades came in better than expected (one A, two Bs, and a C+). It's still my worst-ever semester by far (the second worst would be two B+s and two As), but it's better than it could have been, and I passed every class, so I'm feeling ok with that.

The person who worked at the video store never messaged me back, so I'm assuming that's a dead end. Mal's theory is that she's actually looking for someone who might be interested in both her and her boyfriend, which is possible; she may also just not have been that into me, who knows. I'm still messaging a few people on OKC, but I'm not too excited about the possibility of actually dating someone from OKC. Too many times people have just stopped writing back, and it's not like there's a ton of profiles of people in my area that generally fit my interests. I'll probably keep the profile up, but otherwise I'm trying to focus my social initiative on more real life pursuits.

In that area, I've had some more success lately; I've taken the initiative to set up times to hang out with a few people I know, introduced myself to people when normally I would have been shy and ignored them, even joined a free group exercise class (I need to get in shape, anyways, and that's part of my poor self image - two birds with one stone!)

Mal and I haven't talked much about poly lately, we've been too busy with everything else, so that sits right where we left it. I'm not really actively pursuing poly right now, more just working on being more sociable and increasing / deepening my friendships.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #18  
Old 01-08-2011, 04:30 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Well, that's a start and a great thing. Congrats on your semester! Yea...I'm not too busy but I plan on busying myself with real life socializing so I am making a conscious effort to take a hiatus from OKc and fb. I am keeping up with this site and my blogspot subscriptions but that's it. Take care...
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  #19  
Old 01-18-2011, 08:08 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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General update... Life is just kind of chugging along. Our ex-roommate (I'll call her V) is staying with us, she's had some issues with her mom (her mom is diagnosed schizophrenic and known to be violent, so I don't blame her at all). She didn't have many good places to go, so we invited her here till she can get a job and a place of her own. The reason we're ex-roommates is because her social needs are WAYYY higher than mine and Mal's - she wants company 24/7 when Mal and I like a few hours of hanging out and the rest of our days to ourselves. In the past, this created conflict. We're trying to be really aware of this, making plans so she can get out and hang out with other people and Mal and I can get some space, and I'm really hoping it works out without any craziness - I *like* V and would like this time to go better than last time. (Just to be clear, V is a friend, but I'm not remotely interested in anything more with her.)

I'm also a bit torn, because I'd like to talk to V about me (and kind of Mal) being poly, but I don't think I should. I think she'd be accepting, she's one of the most open people I know, but she also has a horrible time keeping confidences. It's pretty common for her to tell very personal revelations about one person to another person for no particular reason. I don't think she means anything by it, she just feels like it's no big deal, even when the first person has made a big deal about not sharing that information. She also told us that she had a bad experience recently with a couple, friends of hers, that wanted a threesome / poly-ish thing with her and weren't taking no for an answer. So even if she would refrain from telling everyone she knows that I'm exploring poly, I'm not sure she'd really want to hear it right now. I think the wise thing to do is to keep my mouth shut; it's just hard when I feel so comfortable talking to her.

Otherwise - I've been pretty busy lately, with my winterim class, and a big project I have at school gearing up, and hanging out with people occasionally. Just keeping an open mind and waiting to see what might happen.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #20  
Old 01-19-2011, 12:34 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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How long did you tell V she could stay? I think, maybe, you should tell her about you and Mal. Since she doesn't know, it would allow her to discuss more things with you about her experiences and ideas and, in turn, you can do the same. Glad school is still coming along and you are finding the time to continue to socialize.
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