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  #1  
Old 11-22-2010, 07:37 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Default OMG WHAT AM I doing HERE?


HI <waves>

I am no stranger to message boards... I am totally not sure i belong here but with what's going on in my life I think I need to talk about it.... this seemed like the place to be...

Me: 50, female, married for 6 years to my third husband who is 39.... there are children from prior relationships, the youngest is 18.

we were "swingers" before we married and we continue to have that relationship with a select few couples we know and love who we consider family. For the world to see we are just a bunch of very very close friends. I consider myself a very vanilla swinger. I have to be attached to my male partners emotionally in some way... I'm more flexible with my female partners....

My husband and I are in a good place truly...

then HE happened.

I've known him a few years... see him very very very rarely IRL. I have flirted with him OUTRAGEOUSLY in front of my DH.... well a few weeks ago HE sent me a text to ask to talk to me bluntly... he asked me my bottom line...

I told him I had no idea. and I did not. I had never had anyone take me up on my blatant over the top flirts... (it was akin to "let's get it on baby I have a note"). He is friends with DH but not close...

well this is turning into MORE than just a booty call.... he's YOUNGER than my DH (makes him 13 yrs younger than I am)

He is not local but he is not too far away...

My head is spinning... I think we are developing a relationship.... which takes me out of the swingers category and into the poly category... and Yes I can see making him part of my life. AND YES I have talked to my husband about it...

I don't know what to think or what to do or how to cope....


My new fellow and I have plans to meet on January 8th (first day we can both manage to be free).... not sure yet where we are meeting or what the agenda will be....

I'm open to hearing what anyone has to say or answering any questions to try to get this all sorted out in my head

HELP and thanks in advance.
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  #2  
Old 11-22-2010, 09:49 PM
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Penny Penny is offline
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What does your husband think? You said you've spoken to him, but didn't tell us what his opinions are.

I am also married and have a boyfriend. My husband is thirteen and a half years younger than me, and my boyfriend is ten years younger. My husband and I have a six year old daughter.

The relationship with my boyfriend became intimate about three and a half months ago, and has only gotten better over time. We are all great friends and it's been a fantastic experience so far.

So, as far as I can tell, this sort of thing can work out great so long as everyone is open and honest and caring.

Read read read this forum. There are a lot of great stories here and links that will help you get your head around what's going on.
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  #3  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:03 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
What does your husband think? You said you've spoken to him, but didn't tell us what his opinions are.

I am also married and have a boyfriend. My husband is thirteen and a half years younger than me, and my boyfriend is ten years younger. My husband and I have a six year old daughter.

The relationship with my boyfriend became intimate about three and a half months ago, and has only gotten better over time. We are all great friends and it's been a fantastic experience so far.

So, as far as I can tell, this sort of thing can work out great so long as everyone is open and honest and caring.

Read read read this forum. There are a lot of great stories here and links that will help you get your head around what's going on.
Hi Penny,

thanks for responding.... I'm a tad shy to jump in but I'll keep getting my feet wet here... seems like a nice group of folks..

My husband goes back and forth on how he feels about this...

One minute he's fine with it. The next he's jealous.

AND it's person specific. He was FINE with it as long as it was just sex... he was not happy about an emotional relationship with the new fellow... of course this is the first time in our relationship that I've met someone I wanted to have a relationship with but HUBBY has had numerous flirtations and other dalliances.... I've always encouraged him to go and do and "get her out of your system"... now we are working on finding a flirtation or a "secondary" for him....

He worries about my safety, emotional, mental and physical and he's working hard to trust my judgment with this guy.

I admit to NOT knowing even at my advanced age and experience how to deal with this.

The guy (I call him Mr. Does Not Play Well With Others for various reasons) was all game for some no strings attached sex with me... even after I told him that I need to establish a connection with him first... BUT our texts and emails (we don't talk on the phone yet not sure why)... SKIRT around all sexuality. Every time I try to take it there.. he drags it back to talking about mundane things... so I'm not sure what to think.

My mind starts to spin at the idea of my Darling husband and Mr. DNPWWO both being big parts of my life... they are as opposite as men could possibly be... it's a nice mix.

Mr. DNPWWO and I have not had sex or anything even remotely resembling sex yet... we have very little time to get together and currently plan a meeting shortly after the first of the year... BUT just to get together and spend more time together just the two of us... talking and such... DATING as it were..... NOT what I thought I was signing up for...

That made me realize that I could easily have a serious deep relationship with both of these men... AND that's when I mentioned it to husband.... and we've talked and talked. and he does not want to tell me NO but I think he's just letting me do this but he is not totally thrilled about it...
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Old 11-22-2010, 10:19 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Hello !
.....Welcome to poly.

....and I do welcome you, because your history definitely shows some tell-tale signs of poly reactions, and needs.

May I ask, under what circumstances, you and your 3rd husband met ?

That might help in figuring out how he feels about the new romantic interest

Again,..welcome !
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  #5  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:23 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Hello !
.....Welcome to poly.

....and I do welcome you, because your history definitely shows some tell-tale signs of poly reactions, and needs.

May I ask, under what circumstances, you and your 3rd husband met ?

That might help in figuring out how he feels about the new romantic interest

Again,..welcome !

Hi and Thanks...

yeah I can easily see us being Poly... we both have over the top personalities.

I actually met my current husband in an AOL chat room 8 years ago this week. We actually lived locally to each other so we started seeing each other right away.... married two years later...
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  #6  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:44 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Lots of poly people have quiet, and simple personalities
(I`m not one of them for the record )

It was more the fact that many poly people come from a background of trying swinging, but needing someting more. others have had multiple marriages. Others (like myself) also had that 'exclusive, long-term swinging friends' ideal for a few years.

I won`t kid you, the fact your husband is feeling torn, is a good indicator that you will deal with a emotional rollercoaster as growth comes about.

Your best way of handling this, is to do as much research as possible into polyamory. Keep your husband in the loop, and help him grow with you.

Knowledge is power. Have yourself fully equipped before you get to caught up with the new fellow. Curbing yourself a bit now, will be very beneficial for the future.

Good luck.
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  #7  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Your best way of handling this, is to do as much research as possible into polyamory. Keep your husband in the loop, and help him grow with you.
The more you can help him begin his own search for knowledge the better. Each person needs to gain their own poly intelligence It might help mitigate future roller coaster rides.

So ditto....

oh and welcome to the forums ...
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  #8  
Old 11-23-2010, 12:03 AM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
I won`t kid you, the fact your husband is feeling torn, is a good indicator that you will deal with a emotional rollercoaster as growth comes about.

Your best way of handling this, is to do as much research as possible into polyamory. Keep your husband in the loop, and help him grow with you.

Knowledge is power. Have yourself fully equipped before you get to caught up with the new fellow. Curbing yourself a bit now, will be very beneficial for the future.

Good luck.
well researching is how I found this place. It's been a roller coaster with him already... he wants to have his own relationships and he wants me to be able to do what I want... but he feels concern and jealousy.... we are talking and talking and talking... and my non-poly friends think that my talking to him is my trying to convince him and force him to do it my way... but it's not... Had he said "I can't deal with this" I would not do it. I'm glad he's letting me try this.
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  #9  
Old 11-23-2010, 12:03 AM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
The more you can help him begin his own search for knowledge the better. Each person needs to gain their own poly intelligence It might help mitigate future roller coaster rides.

So ditto....

oh and welcome to the forums ...
I'm trying to get him to join here.... I keep nothing from him so it wouldn't be like letting him into my private place....
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  #10  
Old 11-23-2010, 12:17 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Awesome.

Well, to put it bluntly, you sound like you have your shit together.

Even when we have our shit together, poly is still full of ups and downs.

For most of us, it is thinking outside the box we were ever taught. This causes the highs and lows you are starting to experience.

It sounds like your husband communicates his thought`s to you very well. If you are having problems coping, It might be that you take his feelings on for yourself ? Love can do that.

He stresses,...so you stress.

He`s ok,..so you are ok.

You might be feeling like you just need to know wether its green light or red light, so you can then know where you stand. For him, it`s not so simple. He might want to try, but moments of doubt might cause him to recoil. If he is the type that likes to think outloud, then you get to hear it all, and it can feel like a lot to deal with.

Thats a very normal part of being a couple.
As you get to understand poly more, you`ll probably hit a point where each of you is able to express your feelings to the other, in new ways that don`t start the roller-coaster syndrome.
It`s one of those things that can`t really be taught. It`s learned through trial and error, and experience.

It sounds like you have a good opportunity, and environment though.

Last edited by SourGirl; 11-23-2010 at 01:32 AM. Reason: scratch in the cd needed fixin' :P
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