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  #61  
Old 12-21-2010, 09:41 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I hope to hear more from TL on this subject. Hopefully in this busy holiday week, he will come back and talk and not feel overwhelmed.

2ndly,..I don`t think partially paraphrasing me, made it 'clearer'. ...*shrugs*

3rdly - We are all judgemental. How we handle those judgements, and honestly assess them, is what allows us to think beyond our own scope. You don`t get through life without being judgemental as a regular part of being human. judgements protect and keep us safe, as much as they harm. Key is to know when you`ve gone to far, scale back, and adjust.

Last edited by SourGirl; 12-21-2010 at 09:44 PM.
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  #62  
Old 12-22-2010, 07:15 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I'm just wondering at what point it's ok for a man to indicate an interest in sex without being labeled an a-hole or a pig.
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  #63  
Old 12-22-2010, 11:50 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm just wondering at what point it's ok for a man to indicate an interest in sex without being labeled an a-hole or a pig.
when the woman does so, not a moment before.
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  #64  
Old 12-22-2010, 12:17 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I hope to hear more from TL on this subject. Hopefully in this busy holiday week, he will come back and talk and not feel overwhelmed.

2ndly,..I don`t think partially paraphrasing me, made it 'clearer'. ...*shrugs*

3rdly - We are all judgemental. How we handle those judgements, and honestly assess them, is what allows us to think beyond our own scope. You don`t get through life without being judgemental as a regular part of being human. judgements protect and keep us safe, as much as they harm. Key is to know when you`ve gone to far, scale back, and adjust.
Don't worry, I haven't left...Just in the middle of a move...so constantly pressed for time.

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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I'm just wondering at what point it's ok for a man to indicate an interest in sex without being labeled an a-hole or a pig.
It's always ok to indicate that he's attracted to her, and that he wouldn't MIND having sex with her....but he needs to build the actual relationship with her...and show appropriate interest in her. If a man plays mouse more than he plays cat, it's highly likely he's a player and a user.....and therefore, an a-hole. If the woman is constantly finding herself calling him, and constantly asking HIM out...Then he's not really as interested as he purports to be. A truly interested man, will go after that which interests him.

And a truly poly man, will not simply mention sex every second of every conversation.
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  #65  
Old 12-22-2010, 12:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post

It's always ok to indicate that he's attracted to her, and that he wouldn't MIND having sex with her....but he needs to build the actual relationship with her...and show appropriate interest in her. If a man plays mouse more than he plays cat, it's highly likely he's a player and a user.....and therefore, an a-hole. If the woman is constantly finding herself calling him, and constantly asking HIM out...Then he's not really as interested as he purports to be. A truly interested man, will go after that which interests him.
Translation: Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Or, "All men are pigs".
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  #66  
Old 12-22-2010, 03:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
It's always ok to indicate that he's attracted to her, and that he wouldn't MIND having sex with her...
Haha, I would feel so offended if someone told me they "wouldn't mind" having sex with me. "Sure, go ahead, it doesn't bother me. Can I read my book/watch my game while you do it?". It sounds like a very poor way to phrase it, it sounds more like "I'm not too disgusted by you" than "I really like you".
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  #67  
Old 12-22-2010, 04:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Haha, I would feel so offended if someone told me they "wouldn't mind" having sex with me. "Sure, go ahead, it doesn't bother me. Can I read my book/watch my game while you do it?". It sounds like a very poor way to phrase it, it sounds more like "I'm not too disgusted by you" than "I really like you".
I agree. However, it DOES fit right in with the "All (or most) men are pigs" mentality because "I believe men don't care about looks as long as they can stick their dick in a warm, wet hole (a tight one if given the choice)." Therefore, "most" men "wouldn't mind" having sex with any female human they meet. At least, that's the way it's been told to me by my pig-guy-friends. So, by that line of reasoning, I would be MORE put-off by someone who said they "wouldn't mind" having sex with me than by someone who said they "OMG Really Want" to have sex with me, or come to think of it - than by someone who said they absolutely did NOT want to have sex with me.

I get the sense that the OP and his wife simply prefer that the wife makes all the first moves, whether in words or actions, when it comes to initiating physical sex with another partner. AND THAT IS OK. But - call it what it IS, and don't make it out to be some sort of "screening process".

As far as "doing something differently to attract the kind of people you want - You should probably say, in your dating-profile, first conversation, and first date, that SHE likes to make ALL the first moves when it comes to sex, and that you/she recognize that this is one of YOUR personal quirks, but that it's very important to you, and non-negotiable. I bet then that you will be writing off a lot fewer people as "pigs" because you will have given them a better idea of what your expectations are. People are not mind-readers.

OTOH, I wouldn't be the good pessimist that I aspire to be if I didn't also acknowledge that this gives the REAL "pigs" a chance to play along with you, but I think that REAL "pigs" won't want to wait through that and will just go somewhere else.
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  #68  
Old 12-22-2010, 09:21 PM
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I never got the whole playing games thing, but I don't see why it SHOULD be the female initiating ABC or it SHOULD be the male pursuing XYZ. There is way too much individual variation to try to pin certain relationship roles on certain genders - even more so when you have more than two people involved.

I also don't think putting off sex is beneficial in and of itself. Many people will prefer that, and that's fine, but I don't think that putting it off when everyone involved is ready will necessarily improve the relationship.
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  #69  
Old 12-22-2010, 09:39 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I also don't think putting off sex is beneficial in and of itself. Many people will prefer that, and that's fine, but I don't think that putting it off when everyone involved is ready will necessarily improve the relationship.
It very much depends on the circumstances and people involved, I believe. I know that long-distance relationships are the only ones that I've worked for me so far, because you are forced to do a lot of more meaningful things first (talk a lot, get to know each other, etc). In my previous relationships I would have sex right away and it would get in the way of getting to know each other because when we saw each other that's the only thing we did.
It's a problem on my part, mind you, and has nothing to do with any men being pigs. I was always the one who initiated it. I guess it could be said I don't have a lot of willpower as far as men are concerned, and while I don't enjoy casual sex without a deeper connection, I still end up pursuing it. I think it's just easier and less risky...

So in my situation, putting off sex is a good thing for me, and I believe it might be for other people too. I don't think it works for everyone though.
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  #70  
Old 12-22-2010, 10:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
It very much depends on the circumstances and people involved, I believe. I know that long-distance relationships are the only ones that I've worked for me so far, because you are forced to do a lot of more meaningful things first (talk a lot, get to know each other, etc). So in my situation, putting off sex is a good thing for me, and I believe it might be for other people too. I don't think it works for everyone though.
^^these parts edited. Ditto.

Why ? : Casual sex bores the fuck out of me. If I were to engage in it, I would be the one doing the wham-bamming, because once I`m bored with someone, it`s pretty much finito.

As for TL, I think the intent is to protect the wife, and its gone off track. There is a whole lot of fear involved in the generalizing.

What Neonkhaos said about 'the real pigs'......very good point.

Last edited by SourGirl; 12-22-2010 at 10:14 PM.
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