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Old 03-13-2013, 09:27 AM
AccidentallyInLove AccidentallyInLove is offline
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Question Totally new to this

Hi! My name is Vanessa & I am in my late 20's. Growing up I would fall in like often and quickly. I couldn't understand why I could only have one boyfriend at a time. I knew that you could cheat on a partner but never heard of the word or the community of polyamory. When i discovered more about it recently it seems like it fits me. I like the open, honest aspect and the ability to connect with more then one person romantically at a time.

Here is my story: So I kind of accidentally fell into a polyamourous situation about four months ago. I had just ended my relationship with my ex-boyfriend when I started getting close to one of his friends, Miguel. Miguel has been in a relationship for a very long time with Ashley. When I was with my boyfriend we had talked about threesomes but it had never panned out. I was always secretly attracted to Miguel but never acted on it or made it known to him.

We all started getting to know each other, hanging out twice a week (more me & Miguel alone than me & Ashley). I really started to enjoy this new found friendship & must admit that I was attracted to them both. Imagine my surprise when Miguel suggested a threesome. I had no hint that they were anything but mono up until that point. Apparently while they had talked about it in the past I was the first person they took the plunge with. That night was amazing & we all meshed together so well. It just felt so natural.

Fast forward to today: We have become a Vee I believe with Miguel being the hinge (is that the right term?). I feel myself falling in love with them both deeply. This being uncharted terrority though we have lots to learn. Things aren't quite defined yet though I feel like Miguel's other girlfriend. We go out on dates & such. It is important to me that I develop a emotional connection with both Ashley & Miguel. I wouldn't want to be in this relationship if it was solely physical.

I want to make this relationship as successful as possible. What tips do you wish someone had given you when you had just started out? What is the best way how to broach a discussion of where we go from here? How can I assure Ashley that I care for her deeply & in no way want to harm her relationship with Miguel?

*Note: All names are pseudonyms as I don't think they would want their names or any identifying info out there*

Last edited by AccidentallyInLove; 03-13-2013 at 09:39 AM. Reason: edited out small possibly identifying detail & adding more background information
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Old 03-13-2013, 09:25 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi Vanessa,
Welcome to our forum.

As far as terminology is concerned, it really depends on whether your relationship with Ashley is platonic or romantic. If platonic, then you are in a Vee with Miguel as the hinge. If romantic, then you are in a triad (a.k.a. delta or triangle), with all three people romantically connected.

I think all relationships are different, and you have to find out what works for you. Having talks, say, once a week or once a month, between the three of you, will probably help, and writing up lists of wants/needs to share with each other may help too. During perhaps the first of these talks, tell Miguel and Ashley where you'd like to go from here, goals you'd like to suggest, and find out what they want and envision for the future.

As for reassuring Ashley, one of the best things you can do, probably, is to set aside at least a few hours a week to spend just with Ashley. "Girls' time" or "girls' night out." Developing a closer relationship with her will help her feel like she can trust you.

I am happy to answer any other questions you may have; hope this will do for starters.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 03-15-2013, 02:27 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 138

Welcome to these forums. You seem to be well on the way to a successful triad, and coming here for advice from the wonderful veterans here is a great way to start. I'm glad you're asking these questions. It shows you've put a lot of consideration and thought into the relationship, so you already well ahead of many people who jump into these waters without much thought.

If there's any advice I can offer, it is to have the utmost respect for all parties, and talk, and talk, and talk about everything. And don't be afraid to speak up if you're ever uncomfortable about anything, and strive to create an atmosphere where your partners are equally at ease at letting their feelings be known.
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