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Old 02-22-2016, 09:52 AM
CuriousMarie CuriousMarie is offline
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Default New to this and so conflicted. Advice??

Okay, so to start I will say I am 25 and in a healthy, long term (9 years) living relationship with my boyfriend. We are very open minded sexually and have been more so in recent years. We enjoy experimenting with new things, kinks, etc. He has always been interested in a threesome with me and another woman.

I identify as straight and have no interest in vaginas. It is just not appealing to me. kissing, massaging, cuddling another woman wouldn't be an issue, I think I could very much enjoy it even. But I can't being myself to the idea of touching another woman's vagina. Lately (last year or so) he has really expressed his interest and as his girlfriend who loves him very much I really want to make his fantasies come true. But we struggled with agreeing on an ideal candidate. It's a very difficult world to maneuver as beginners with no real resources. I don't want a total stranger, but I fear ruining a good friendship. So how do we choose?

Here is where things get crazy complicated.

We have a female friend that we have been taking care of over the last 9 months or so. She has a deadbeat on again off again who doesn't treat her well, doesn't provide for her. So we do. We make sure she's eating and buy her and her son necessities, support her emotionally, make sure she knows how beautiful she is inside and out and really try to build her up, etc. she spends most of her time around us and we really genuinely care for her and have a lot of love for her.

She also happens to be bi and has at one point expressed what We perceived to be a crush on me. Which doesn't weird me out in anyway. (Which is out of the norm for me). We all cuddle each other, massage each other, really just like to take care of each other in anyway we can. We really try to be there for her as much as possible. This is a big deal for me as I don't usually relate well with others and have very few female friends. I feel extremely close with her and feel like I can discuss anything with her without being judged.

Boyfriend has expressed wanting us to further take care of her sexually as well. I am really conflicted by this. I want to take care of her too. She is frustrated and hasn't really had a great sex life. I actually find myself extremely attracted to her in a girl crush sort of way. Sexual health is so important and she really deserves to love herself and feel loved. I am afraid however that it will go too far and maybe ruin this friendship we have and that would break my heart. When boyfriend and I discussed threesomes it was always suppose to be just sex with the other person. No feelings, no outside relationship, nothing like that. But now we have this girl we both are attracted to emotionally and physically that we really want to take care of. But I still don't want to have someone join our relationship. I still want it to be just me and him. I wouldn't mind her joining us in the bedroom sometimes. I wouldn't mind both of us taking care of ALL her needs together. I don't want them doing anything without me. I don't want them to have an actual relationship separate from ours.
I don't want things to change about how we are except add sex to the mix.

Do friends with benefits work like this in a relationship? Or does it usually go down in flames? I desperately don't want to lose her as a friend. How would you navigate this situation? Any advice on how to come to a decisions is welcome.
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Old 02-22-2016, 10:22 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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If you're not sexually attracted to women then you're not sexually attracted to women. I assume part of your boyfriend's threesome fantasy is that both his partners are enjoying themselves rather than either putting up with it for his sake or being actively revolted by what's going on. If you really want to give him a threesome can you try one where he's the focus and there's no sexual activity between the two women at all?

As to your friend, you say you do a lot to support her, both financially and emotionally. I'd be very hesitant to make a sexual move on someone who was in any way dependent on me in case they said "yes" out of a sense of obligation for past favours or because they fear I'd withdraw my support if they said "no". IMO it's predatory.
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Old 02-22-2016, 10:47 AM
CuriousMarie CuriousMarie is offline
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I would never do something as big as threesome out of obligation. I will admit I only ever considered it because it was his fantasy, but I would never go that far if I myself didn't want it too. I am just uncomfortable touching a vagina. It's not revolting, just not arousing.
She has been the one who has semi approached me with her feelings about me. We have all discussed boundaries in many different aspects (not sexually) and I genuinely think she knows she can disclose any thoughts or feelings to me without judgement or us holding something over her head. We wouldn't in a million years coerce someone to do something they weren't comfortable with.
I am unsure what you mean by predatory or why you got that from this thread? Maybe I didn't explain it the best. I am tired and this is all very new and I'm trying to be thorough.
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Old 02-22-2016, 01:07 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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Default No

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousMarie View Post
Boyfriend has expressed wanting us to further take care of her sexually
No. This has bad news written all over it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousMarie View Post
We wouldn't in a million years coerce someone to do something they weren't comfortable with.
I am unsure what you mean by predatory or why you got that from this thread? Maybe I didn't explain it the best. I am tired and this is all very new and I'm trying to be thorough.
No you should not have a threesome with a woman that you are financially supporting. You don't understand the power imbalance that makes this predatory even if the third person is willing. It's predatory because this person cannot truly consent freely even if they say they do.

As someone with experienced with threesome,I'd advise you to stick with a current lover of your bf. You both can focus on him. You don't need to go down on the other woman. Kissing her will be turn on enough for him.
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Last edited by sdguitarguy; 02-22-2016 at 01:14 PM.
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Old 02-22-2016, 01:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
We have a female friend that we have been taking care of over the last 9 months or so. She has a deadbeat on again off again who doesn't treat her well, doesn't provide for her. So we do. We make sure she's eating and buy her and her son necessities, support her emotionally, make sure she knows how beautiful she is inside and out and really try to build her up, etc. she spends most of her time around us and we really genuinely care for her and have a lot of love for her.
This may be hard to hear, ok?

This (abused(?)) person is a broken person right now. It is not healthy or appropriate to take up sexually with a broken person that needs to heal.

If you want to keep the friendship, don't "add sex." Instead realize you are overstepping.

You and your BF sound like you have taken over her life for her, do all her jobs for her. Making it seem like she has to "pay" for all this stuff with sex is gross. You might not mean it that way, but it could be taken that way so I'd be leery of going there even if she says she's up for it. Why? Because it might not be full consent from a person of sound mind and body.

Or she herself is totally playing "damsel in distress." How well do you know her? Longer than the last 9 mos?

I could be totally wrong but it sounds wonky. Don't make it more wonky by adding sex. She's is not the right person.

Help and support during a rough time is one thing. Never expecting her to get her life together again is another. What's with this "take care of her" thing?

Point her toward health services and job placement services so she can learn what healthy dating is and is not, she can get rid of the deadbeat for good, get a job, and provide for herself and her son and become truly healthy.

Set a good example and maintain good personal boundaries. You sound over involved and overstepping boundaries over there. And she might feel unable to say "no, you are crossing my personal boundaries" because she wants access to the money/services you are providing. Don't make her choose between keeping her dignity and survival.

Right now you sound like you are enabling her to skip doing the hard work of getting back on her feet. Which only reinforces the "I can't cope! I am helpless!" idea. You are not actually helping her to grow and heal. Give her a hand UP, not a hand out.

As for the threesome sex -- leave it a fantasy. Vaginas don't turn you on, all you feel ok doing is cuddling/kissing making out. You don't want threesome sex. You don't want to be in a polyship. You sound up for a one time make out session with you, BF, and a female partner. Above the waist. If you find a woman up for that kind activity? Enjoy.

I don't think the recovering friend is the person for that activity. Again, maintain strong personal boundaries and communicate clearly to your BF what you are and are not up for. Don't be a people pleaser, doing threesomes for him that you don't really care for.

A healthy BF wouldn't ask you to do things against your own grain like that.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2016 at 07:30 PM.
  #6  
Old 02-22-2016, 05:28 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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GG, I think it's kind of harsh for you to label their dear friend a :victim and a broken person." Who among us hasn't been through hard times? I wouldn't judge her like that. She might be a healing survivor of some abuse from childhood or a partner or series of partners.

I also think it's possible the OP could be bicurious and could turn out to be more capable of having sex with a woman than she might imagine. Sometimes that happens, a straight person falls for another very dear friend, quite to their surprise. Also, threesomes can happen with 3 straight people, with, in this case, the focus being on the male, and the 2 women merely kissing each other, snuggling and things like that.


That said, starting a sexual triad with this particular person at this time might not be wise. I agree there is a power imbalance. The OP and her bf have been very kind to their friend. Perhaps their friend is working on getting on her feet to be an independent adult, but to "take care" of her sexual needs, and satisfy a mere fantasy of the bfs, when the OP isn't even bi, sounds a bit risky. Be aware of your white knight syndrome not getting out of hand, and making things worse instead of better for your friend.

Marie, is your friend living with you? Is she working outside the home, or is her son very young and she deeply wants to be with him full time? I'd suggest she "get on her feet" financially, even if it take public assistance, and court, or threats of court, to get child support from her ex.Not to mention, finding work and childcare that allows her to work outside the home, if possible. Let her get her own place, get herself stronger. Then, maybe, a more proper threesome or V could begin.

You also, like many people in mono couples attempting to Open, need to work on the idea that you'd never want your bf and friend to have sex without you being there. That is just not realistic in triads. You can read up on unicorn hunters and the rights of secondaries, etc., here and on the web at morethantwo.com. There is also a book of the same name.

If you want, you can join a swingers club for the type of "no feelings" sex your bf wants. You don't need to fuck a stranger there. You two could go and have sex with each other, get the voyeuristic thrill of watching others have sex, socialise, and when you feel ready and comfortable with someone, engage in sex with others.
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  #7  
Old 02-22-2016, 05:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Fair enough. You think it is harsh labeling. I'm using the only labels I know. IME, healthy people don't maintain "on and off again deadbeat" relationships. The only people I've experienced in real life who did that kind of behavior were abused/broken type people who weren't totally thinking right. I don't think less of them or anything -- I just saw that at that time of there life? They simply were not thinking clearly or well.

I don't know what kind of wonky it is over there, but it sure sounds some kind of wonky to me. I'll leave it to OP and her BF to figure out what kind of thing they have on their hands and how they want to label it and deal with it.

Bottom line to me? If OP is looking to maintain a healthy friendship? I just don't think adding sex right now is the solution. This is not the right person to be picking out as their sex partner. And keeping strong personal boundaries might be in order. To me there's a difference between giving care and helping someone out and taking all their cares on board for oneself and becoming their caretaker.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2016 at 05:48 PM.
  #8  
Old 02-22-2016, 05:48 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I don't like labeling people with the adjectives you use. It's like how we say people with disabilities, or people of color today. Not cripples or colored people. People coming out of abusive situations are survivors, not victims. It's more empowering to see oneself that way. To call her "broken" is harsh. She may have emotional injuries (who doesn't?) but she's not a broken doll. She has intrinsic power and personal resources. She just needs to find them, with support. Her friends are providing support. I agree, they shouldn't be her only form of support, or her whole world. Having sex with her might be doing more harm than good.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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  #9  
Old 02-22-2016, 06:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I see that my word choice bothers you. I am willing to try to use "survivor" rather than "victim" but I just don't know what other word to use than "broken" for a person who might not be thinking clearly right now.

To clarify -- I mean that their ability to use good judgement is not working right at this time and the person needs time to recover that ability. I don't mean the person is a broken object. What would you suggest? I will take it under consideration.

I also don't want to hijack the thread. We both seem to agree that sex with this friend right now is not a good idea.

The main issue for me is that OP seems to recognize some things here:

Quote:
Boyfriend has expressed wanting us to further take care of her sexually as well. I am really conflicted by this. I want to take care of her too. She is frustrated and hasn't really had a great sex life. I actually find myself extremely attracted to her in a girl crush sort of way. Sexual health is so important and she really deserves to love herself and feel loved. I am afraid however that it will go too far and maybe ruin this friendship we have and that would break my heart.

CuriousMarie,
you seem to recognize that this person is just not an appropriate person to be taking up with sexually right now. That sex health is important and that this person deserves to have partners who love her. You seem to recognize that you don't want to ruin the friendship by suggesting sex and having it go badly.

If you are still thinking about going there because your BF wants to go there? Because BF has this yen to "take care of her sexually" and thus get to feel big doing so?

If that it the case? Then the internal conflict seems to be choosing between
(you helping the BF feel big)
or
(you doing what you think is best for your heart and for your friendship) + (you supporting your friend's recovery process appropriately)
To solve you internal conflict about it? I think you could say "No thanks, BF. I am not going there" and just not go there.

If you and BF want to experiment with some kind of threesome, I think you could pick a different partner than the recovering friend.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2016 at 07:35 PM.
  #10  
Old 02-23-2016, 05:01 AM
CuriousMarie CuriousMarie is offline
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Default I need help.

So I am only commenting here because I received strange emails this morning and haven't been able to figure out how to delete this. Someone set up this account fraudulently using my email. I have no idea how to delete this account. Can someone help me? I can't figure out how to navigate this site.
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