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Old 11-21-2010, 02:38 PM
polynHR polynHR is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by Pantheist View Post

She argues that she would feel better in a poly relationship if she were Primary and the other relationships were Secondary. It's not how I prefer to do things, but I don't think it sounds impossible. I agreed. We decided to get married.

This is where you must begin you communications. You agreed that if she becomes your primary then you can have a secondary. The problem is you have allowed her to dictate the agenda. I agree it seems like she got what she wanted and ignored what you wanted.

Also, if she has allowed her to sleep over and has eaten dinner with you all. Then maybe its you that is not taking the imitative. My wife and I are poly and she hasn't made it to the point where any friend of mine can sleep over. So if this girl is in your life and it seems she is a part of your family. Then you need to take the step and hug your secondary and be affectionate to her when she is over. I do suggest you take small steps with this, sort of test the waters. I hope this helps good luck

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Old 11-21-2010, 03:04 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 165

how long has it been since the new lady came into the picture?
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Old 11-21-2010, 07:08 PM
Pantheist Pantheist is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 8

Thanks everyone for offering your wisdom.

As someone pointed out, I believe NRE has indeed compromised my judgment somewhat. Hearing all your different points of view really helps me keep things in perspective.

Originally Posted by redpepper
Its been awhile, perhaps its time to not take no for an answer and start talking about boundaries. Even if the boundaries are heavily weighed on her side, at least there will be some movement.
Originally Posted by Fidelia
It is not at all unreasonable for you to insist on some forward motion toward having your needs met too. She knew you were poly when she married you.
Thank you two for bringing up this point.

Last night my wife and I had a conversation which I was very happy with. I pointed out that I felt like she had put me on standby indefinitely. I said that I was worried that she held all the power, and that I had no clear way to define when or even if she would be ready to move forward. She was receptive and sympathetic. We have officially started negotiating boundaries.

It's not much movement, but it's infinitely better than the stalemate I was facing before. So happy!

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair
There is no perfect solution here but one thing I think can help is baby steps towards what you want. You said that you are not allowed to hug your potential secondary partner. This sounds like a good place to start.
I agree, this sounds like a great way to move forward. Thanks for suggesting it. It was never stated out loud that it was against the rules to show affection to the potential secondary, we (the secondary and I) just both sort of assumed that was the case. We just both care for my wife so much, I think we are overprotecting her. I will talk to the secondary and try to move forward along this route asap.

Originally Posted by polynHR
Then maybe its you that is not taking the imitative.
This is most likely a large part of the problem. It is quite frightening to take that first physical step, but we will be doing so soon I hope.

Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife
how long has it been since the new lady came into the picture?
We met about 6 months ago or so. There was immediate chemistry.
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Old 11-28-2010, 03:20 PM
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erithacus erithacus is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 17
Default life's expectations

Hi Pantheist,

Thank you for sharing your story. Since I am currently dealing with my wife being poly I think I can relate to your wife's viewpoint. I think some very good things were said already; going slowly is very important but standing still won't get you anywere.

Something that is currently helping my wife and me is trying to get clear what our expectations are of our lives. Getting a clear image of what I want and expect in the next few years has proved to be a great input in our discussions. It turns out most of it is not even remotely threatened by my wife having a boyfriend. We can still do the things I dreamt of doing. It also helps me to know my wife's expectations in her relationship with her boyfriend.

Like Fidelia said, it's important to know what your wife would need to become emotionally ready to go ahead. Perhaps if you find out in what part of her life she feels threatened by your lady friend, you can talk about those things and see if they are based in reality or not.

Good luck to the three of you!

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Old 11-30-2010, 05:20 PM
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Kat Kat is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 13
Default Mono/poly possibilities

Originally Posted by Pantheist View Post
I believe that she must come to the realization that she wants to be Poly by herself in order for this to have a happy ending.

I am a mono chick with a poly bf. I did not know he was poly when we started dating a year and a half ago. We had been mono together for the whole time. I was completely devastated when he announced to me that he was poly, had met someone else and wanted to pursue an additional relationship. I had never even heard of polyamory!

But, we talked (and cried) a lot and are working through this together.

The main point I want to make is that I am still mono. I donít have to be poly just because Iím in a poly relationship with a poly man.

Talk with her. Explore what she needs to feel secure and loved while letting you be you. Please remember that she doesnít have to be poly just because you are.
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