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  #51  
Old 03-20-2013, 01:08 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Packed a bag, the kids are at their moms til Saturday and the baby and I are going to go stay at a friends' for a bit. last night didn't go well obviously. It seems All they care about is having as much sex as possible and only care about my feelings insofar as they prevent that. G tried to suggest that maybe poly just isn't my.thing, what a jerk. he subsequently uttered the words 'we just want to have sex once a day and I don't give a shit how you feel' wgich pretty well summarizes why I am so stressed out. If they can't have sex every day they get moody and hostile. H just keeps asking me 'well when are we ALLOWED to have sex' but when I said the word schedule she laughed and said that was a ridiculous suggestion.I have gone out with the baby several times to give them time and space without us around. I know its not every day, there isn't enough time! She told me last night she would have an abortion if it would save my family but when I mentioned she was still the the window for ECP she shut the conversation down completely. So she was just being dramatic I guess, she has every intention of getting and staying pregnant it seems. I'm so astounded at how unreasonable they are being while acting like I'm overreacting. Yes I'm crying, I'm melting down, is that so crazy in this situation?
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  #52  
Old 03-20-2013, 01:31 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am glad that you are away from there at least for now. All that stress is not good for you or the children.

Now, on to your boyfriend/husband...he is an inconsiderate prick. You know how he feels now. I would strongly encourage you to seek child support and stay away. He has made it clear that he could not give a rat's ass how you feel. For him to leave his pregnant girlfriend/wife to go have sex with the sulking girlfriend because she needed is attention shows that his priorities are jacked. Let him be her problem. You deserve better. I hope he learns that having multiple children does not make him a good father. It just means he thinks with his penis and nothing else.

This just pissed my skin off. No, you are not overacting. You have two selfish, inconsiderate people who are only concerned with having sex and tuning everything out including the needs of small children.
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  #53  
Old 03-20-2013, 01:41 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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I just sent this text: "I don't want to leave I don't want to break up. But you guys want to have sex every day and that is too much for me to handle right now. I suppose we are at an impasse and I don't know what else to do."

To which he responded " We can stop having sex, just tell me. "

I don't get it. It.just has to be me.who vetoes I guess. I'm still leaving for the night, but Wtf?
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  #54  
Old 03-20-2013, 01:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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This is hard for you. I am so sorry it is getting beyond your limit of tolerance. Not just AT but way beyond.

I am glad you packed the kids up and are going elsewhere. Choose self-respecting behavior. These people are just not interested in forming and living in a healthy polyship.

Could agree that it is true. You are NOT cut out for polyshipping like THIS with THEM -- all ugh and nasty and so disrespectful! Well, you respect yourself then.

Quote:
he subsequently uttered the words 'we just want to have sex once a day and I don't give a shit how you feel'
Quote:
H just keeps asking me 'well when are we ALLOWED to have sex' but when I said the word schedule she laughed and said that was a ridiculous suggestion.
Both of them put you down. You are not ridiculous to want to have some of your own wants, needs, and limits respected in polyshipping. You are not ridiculous to want to spend time with your husband alone. He does not want to share his time with you. She does not want to share his time with you. You get what?

Cannot force him to spend time with you but if this is unsatisfactory -- don't have to stay. Sigh.

Quote:
She told me last night she would have an abortion if it would save my family but when I mentioned she was still the the window for ECP she shut the conversation down completely.
You took her up on her offer and came to find it was false offer perhaps. Given her behavior? Meh. Expect nothing there.

Quote:
I'm so astounded at how unreasonable they are being while acting like I'm overreacting. Yes I'm crying, I'm melting down, is that so crazy in this situation?
You are at max frustration. I see that. You are not crazy to have to express that extreme frustrated through tears and upset. Better than holding it in!

I am glad you have packed up the kids and are removing yourself from such a volatile psychological environment. I hope being away helps you decide what the next steps could be for you. And it is OK NOT TO HAVE THE WHOLE PLAN. Just take it one thing at a time here.

But in the cloud of frustrated, make sure you are thinking clear here. Be careful.

Don't leave a device trail for them to snoop and end up at this thread and know what you plan.
Don't leave a paper trail.
If you do not ALREADY have your own finances and have them all in joint accounts with the husband? Could be a good time to hit the bank and remove half of everything and put it in an account of your own name only. It's half yours. Protect your investments there -- you have kids to care for. If he decides to go for the gold in jerk-ness, you have at least that much secured. Setting up a new flat, groceries -- the kids and you need stuff.

Worry about future child support in future, get your TODAY support secured! I would not rely on the unreliable people to start meeting THOSE needs of yours should they arise. You think ahead for your own and the kid needs.

Sometimes people get ugly and try to "punish" you through cutting off the finances or worse. They do not perceived it as "I was ungrateful for the gifts I was given and took her work for granted." They think instead in entitled ways like "I am not as comfortable as I used to be. The witch DID this to me!"

Be careful.

Quote:
I just sent this text: "I don't want to leave I don't want to break up. But you guys want to have sex every day and that is too much for me to handle right now. I suppose we are at an impasse and I don't know what else to do."

To which he responded " We can stop having sex, just tell me. "

I don't get it. It.just has to be me.who vetoes I guess. I'm still leaving for the night, but Wtf?
Do not respond at this time. Or if you do? Respond with

"Last night you said verbatim -- we just want to have sex once a day and I don't give a shit how you feel. So I do not trust you with my feelings at this time. I do not trust you to stop if I said to stop at this time. Do not contact me for 48 hours. I need a break from this crazy. Then we'll see what we see."


And then hold your OWN limit and do not contact him for 48 hours. See how they handle this ECP question, and you leaving. If they whoop it up some more thinking only of themselves with daily sex? There ya go. Your want to talk things out fell on deaf ears. Their behavior continues to be about their pleasure and not about holding up responsibilities in healthy, ethical polyshipping.

Again... could just agree with him! You are not cut out for polyshipping under these poor conditions. So you choose not to polyship with them in these conditions. These conditions are unhealthy!

Could give you opportunity to think of you and the children and step away from this madness for a time out to gather self together for whatever comes next.

Maybe they change the conditions and start behaving like sane people and the polyship becomes healthy.
Maybe you give up the polyshipping with her. Work on a health marriage.
Maybe you give up the marriage.
Maybe something else.

But choose self-respecting behavior even if it feels gross and hard. You are a person of value, worth, and dignity even if others treat you poorly.
  • YOU treat yourself like you value you.
  • YOU treat yourself like you are worth something to you.
  • YOU treat yourself like you have dignity for you.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-20-2013 at 05:42 PM.
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  #55  
Old 03-20-2013, 01:54 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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I am only taking my biological child, the toddler. I really don't want to leave the kids. But despite being in their life for the last three years, they aren't my children. (they are 5 and 7)
My finances are nonexistent. I haven't has a job since before I got pregnant the first time. My parents are close by and can probably help me out for a bit. I have to borrow money from my dad today just to put gas in the car.

G is now suggesting that they can just stop having sex altogether. And when I asked him to just tone it down a bit he said that won't work. But stopping completely will? What?
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  #56  
Old 03-20-2013, 02:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am glad you have family. Go to the parents with your bio child. Ask them for advice.

Are you saying this household is set up so you have to ask him for money? You have no actual access to the shared marital finances? It is all in his name? Take note. That is a tactic.

NOTE how when you actually leave (behavior) and he has to deal with the other children and running the house over there? He starts wanting to negotiate.

Why? Because of your needs and feelings and a desire to meet some of them? Nope. Cuz now there's work not being done for him at home -- like the kidcare for his other kids. He has a desire to meet his own needs -- need to be free of doing the work you normally provide! "What is in it for me?" motivates him more than "the needs of other people."

Again -- could tell him no contact for 48 hours. Then sit back and listen to the sing song as it comes. I have doubts he will honor your request to leave you be for 2 days. Note more limits of yours not being respected if this happens.

If if helps you watch the tactic hopping and mind games more clearly? http://www.speakoutloud.net/domestic...e/mens-tactics Click the little picture to get the full PDF list.

Could print it and watch and see. He already gaslights. If one tactic doesn't work, he could hop to another. Could make a little date next to each if you note these things happening to you.

This may be hard to hear... I apologize. But I kinda expect increased volume on the "Sweetie pie honey bunch" stuff next. Applied lavishly just to get you to return to less than stellar conditions.

Beware empty talk and empty promise. Talk is cheap when it comes from a person who is just not a person of their Word. He has not kept his Word to you before. Could focus it on actions done/not done instead to make sure he delivers.

Be cautious of talk -- Up to and including OFFER (talk) of breaking up with the GF he just maybe got pregnant. It won't be "I broke up with her" like a behavior action already taken. It will be offer talk. "Come back! I'll even break up with her if you want me to!" Talk is cheap.
Quote:
To which he responded " We can stop having sex, just tell me. "
I don't get it. It.just has to be me.who vetoes I guess. I'm still leaving for the night, but Wtf?
It is real simple, hon. If it happens with some other offer? Like "tell me if you want me to break up with her" and not just "tell me if you want me to stop sex" stuff?

It's on the extremes. When you want to discuss middle ground and he offers extremes to get you to go "No, I don't want that!" it's for him to get his way. You don't want that = then I can have THIS then. Skip the middle entirely. Which is where you want to talk and where he does not want to talk because it could mean changes in his behavior he is not willing to do.

The other way that plays? NOTE how it is not HIM taking actions and responsibility. Just offers of action that want to make YOU responsible for his choices and actions. AGAIN. Then that gives him a handy scapegoat to blame later if he actually executes the offer and takes action.

"YOU made me do it!" to you.
"SHE made me do it!" to the GF.

If either of you has a cow he's off the hook. Blame shifting away from his behavior done/not done and putting the spotlight elsewhere. He's not sounding like he is into responsibility or accountability in relationships. He is not sounding like he is into taking responsibility for his own actions and words.

AND even if he does break up with her -- talk about irresponsible and treating people like disposable things! She's just there to be a daily sex toy? She's got her share in helping to create the wacko but she doesn't deserve to be treated as less than a person. Nobody does. He cums in her, maybe promises whatever to get to, and NOW he ditches her once he's used her up? Ew.

Sigh.

BE CAREFUL. This whole thing smells of shenanigans.

I don't know if you want to try to work on this polyship or cut your losses and run at this point in time. Maybe you do not know yet either. But taking a time out to discern could be useful. So take it and discern.

Watch for him not letting you have that time out in peace and quiet. If he can keep broadcasting static over your channel in various ways it keeps your attention on him rather than you taking care of YOU.


You are a person of value, worth, and dignity even if others treat you poorly. Treat yourself so. I cannot tell you that enough.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-20-2013 at 08:29 PM.
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  #57  
Old 03-20-2013, 03:34 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Quote:
The other way that plays? NOTE how it is not HIM taking actions and responsibility. Just offers of action that want to make YOU responsible for his choices and actions. AGAIN. Then that gives him a handy scapegoat to blame later if he actually executes the offer and takes action.
I know. I can see.what he's doing.

He isn't quite as textbook abusive as you are assuming, but I'm not saying that to minimize the way I am being treated right now. Or how he treats me.in general. Acting.like.I'm overreacting and creating problems when they've just done something as irresponsible as try to bring a baby into this shaky situation is definite gaslighting.

Last night H jumped.right on the bandwagon, telling me how tired she is of my 'constant' bad moods and when I pointed.out that she is also very moody albeit in a different way, she just shifted the blame for that back on me. It's my fault she's moody.because shes tired of all the angst.

When two people are agreeing it makes me feel even crazier
Anyway, I don't expect.him to harass me while I'm gone.
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  #58  
Old 03-20-2013, 04:04 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I would text and say this is about your total lack of care and respect for me. Try to stay gone longer.
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  #59  
Old 03-20-2013, 05:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am glad that you can see when he/ she is being over the top with their behaviors.

I'm not saying he's textbook abusive. I can only guess that he's employing some tactics. I can guess wrong. Only you can tell what degree this is going out to and if it hits that level and just how many tactics you encounter. You actually live there.

But some of his behaviors? Definitely less than polite and respectful. Ditto her. For sure it is being all kinds of FRESH!

If it hits abusive levels -- be careful. Get out, but use every means to stay safe.

As you discern how you want to be treated in polyship, and in general how you want to proceed through this situation... I hope you taking a "time out" break brings you some quiet and a break from the wacky. You do not deserve poor treatment.

GL!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-20-2013 at 05:47 PM.
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  #60  
Old 03-20-2013, 05:17 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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This situation is only going to get worse and worse. Neither one of them has one ounce of respect for you or your feelings. If she gets pregnant and you're still around, it's going to be a disaster.

You can make it on your own. I know it won't be easy, but at least you'll know what to expect. Right now, it's all up in the air.

He's got a track record. The mother of the other two children can probably tell you all kinds of stories. If H is so eager to parent his children, let her take over baby-sitting responsibilities for the 5 and 7 yos. Let them see how much fun it is to support a bunch of kids on one income. Let him see that her moodiness has nothing to do with you, because it will continue when you're not around.

They're obviously both full of shit. You don't go from wanting to have sex every day whether or not you approve, to being willing to cut themselves off completely. They're trying to manipulate you. He wants a live-in nanny for his kids and she wants a housekeeper. If they really cared about your feelings even a little bit, they wouldn't have put you in this position in the first place.
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