Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 03-24-2013, 01:58 PM
FullofLove1052's Avatar
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 912
Default

You let them bait you back in without proving that a thing was going to change. Words are just words. Show me what you are talking about me and show me that you mean it. You are not helpless. You are just letting two inconsiderate people walk all over you like a welcome mat in front of the door. Your needs are not unreasonable, unfair, and they certainly do not deserve to be tossed to the side. You need to just leave. Go stay with your parents for awhile. You walked back into an unhealthy and effed up situation of your own accord. Leave for good and cut off communication so that you can find footing on your own with no influence. I realise you may love him, and there are things he loves about you, but he is not treating you like he loves YOU. He loves the things you do. As long as you allow them to keep walking all over you, they will do it.
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 03-24-2013, 02:02 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

You're right. I'm just so scared.
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 03-24-2013, 02:23 PM
FullofLove1052's Avatar
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 912
Default

I know it is scary, but it is better to be alone and treat yourself well than to be with somebody who only wants you for what you can do for them or because they think you look good. At the end of the day, you have to treat yourself well and know that you deserve better than this. This is not love. Love is not being immune to causing somebody pain and continuing to do it. Love is not you having to leave your home because he is more concerned with getting a piece of ass than caring for the mother of hiatus unborn child. You returned and nothing has changed. You can live without him. Even if you don't leave for yourself. Leave for your children. You all deserve better than a man in name answer a part-time daddy.
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 03-24-2013, 02:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,710
Default

I would say the needs of a healthy trio trumps ANY of the individual people needs. You are not wrong to want a break. You JUST got back. You see again that there is no follow through on simple requests. No sex for 2 days.

You are struggling with many things. Where is this guilt for having needs coming from? I suspect you are in Stage 1 or 2. Maybe your are in the "ping pong place" of stage 3 where you struggle and don't want to lose/leave what you have but want the UGH to stop already. Please think about seeking local support. What you have there is poor treatment of you.

NO. You are not unreasonable to want some chill out time.
NO. You being made to feel guilty like your needs are "demanding" or "controlling" when in fact they are reasonable and it is actually that they do not want to change behavior and follow through on promises. Remember there is a different between actuality and perceived reality. If you are confused because people are blowing smoke in your eyes over there, you can always post here for other input.

Polymath is only one of your problems. MANY of your mini relationships inside the bigger polyship are not cool, so it is felt across all the layers.

Here are your tiers of relationship, whether lover, spouse, meta, whatever.

SOLO

you <---> you (how you relate to yourself. You are not longer a footloose single or even a married lady. You are a trio person. What you do affects others.)

G <---> G This is weak. He does not understand / care what he does affects others in his trio

H <---> H This is weak. He does not understand / care what she does affects others in her trio

SINGLES
You ---> G (You communicate to G and he receives your message.)
You ---> H

G ----> You This is weak. Says one thing, does another.
G ---> H (caution. Who knows what stories he tells her that could be affecting you. )


H ---> you
(seems to try, but not solid. Says one thing but does another -- at her will or at her "got smoothie talked by G who knows or cares -- outcome is still the same for you. Hurtness.)
H ---> G (who knows)

DOUBLES

You <----> (G + H) (To save space, communication arrow going both directions. You talk. They hear, but do not follow through. But your talking is ok. )
H <----> (You + G) (Mixed messages.)
G <-----> (You + H) (Bossy, controlling)

TRIPLES

You + G + H working as a team. This is weak. Not all players understand that the needs of the healthy triad trump all individual needs.

GHOST LAYERS

How you want to be should this break up. H and then the (you + G) marrieds? All single? Something else? This is weak because it has no plan.


I would not rush to try to repair or solve any of those tiers of relationship.

I would sit back and reflect on their words and actions. Words spoken vs actions done. They seem to consistantly break words and carry out actions to suit themselves. This is not a healthy polyship dynamic if your wants, needs, and limits get thrown under the bus.

I know contemplating changes and a new way of life are scary, unknown, and daunting. But if you choose to go to your parents and rebuild a life on your own, I have faith that you can do it.

Here's the advice to friends and family of a person in stage 2:
  • Help the woman talk through costs and benefits of the relationship – now and in the future
  • Discuss her fears of leaving, e.g. lack of resources – money, accommodation, social support, not wanting to be alone, shame, feelings of failure
  • Ask for her views of danger to her, her children, to others – whether she stays or leaves (Remember there is an increased chance of a woman being murdered after she leaves a man who has a history of being controlling)
  • Affirm that what she is experiencing is abusive and that she does not deserve it, nor is she to blame
  • Ask her for all the ways she (and her children) are being affected – psychologically, ability to function at work, ability to pursue dreams
  • Help her make a safety plan
  • Respect her decisions

Is any of that stuff you want to be thinking/talking about? Do you need stage 1 things right now instead?

YOU are in charge of your life. You may not know where you want to go, but YOU are the captain of your own ship. You have worth, dignity, and value.

I note you did not answer me when I asked if G has made threats when he told you that your leaving is "a loaded gun you better put down." I am not sure if he has threatened to harm you, the kids, himself, H or whoever. You do not have to say anything you do not want to say, but I'm going to keep on treating you the same way I treat my own friends who have been through crazy abuse.

I hope you are safe where you are, and you have safe phone and Internet access so you can reach out to others.

I will keep on telling you that you have worth, dignity, and value and do NOT deserve poor treatment.

I will keep hoping for you and your kids and that you reach a safer space.

Namaste,
Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 03-24-2013, 02:59 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838
Default

I would second that you are not helpless, you know my situation and how hard it can be sometimes, but I have family, I have friends that truly care and this is more meaningful to me than a bad relationship at the moment, we cannot afford to dwell on not having our ideal, we have to think of the ideal of a future where we are free to have those healthy relationships with others who truly care about our needs and welfare and not just their own.

((hugs))
Natja
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 03-24-2013, 03:29 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Thanks Gala Girl. I am not being abused to those stages. I am not threatened with violence or isolated or controlled to that degree (i have been in the past, I know what it looks like). I am however in a partnership with a selfish and irresponsible person who is not respecting my feelings and need for emotional safety. He is making some effort in repairing the situation, the problem is that they are treating me as if I am a tyrannical force to be reckoned with instead of a partner in this thing. I mean there are a lot of problems, that is one.
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 03-24-2013, 04:16 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Thanks natja.
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 03-24-2013, 05:06 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,213
Default

I'm going to just be blunt, because the coddling isn't getting through to you.

If you keep repeating the same behaviour, you're going to keep getting the same results.

Your feelings are not wrong, but they are the inevitable outcome of remaining with these people. Only you have the power to stop having those feelings, and the only way to do that is to leave.

You keep believing words coming out of the mouths of people you know to be dishonest.

You keep believing that they will change, when they show no signs of even attempting to do so.

It's blatantly obvious that they're just saying what you want to hear, and you just keep believing it. It's their fault that they're inconsiderate of your needs. It's your fault that you expect them to meet your needs when they show every sign of doing the opposite.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but there comes a point in everyone's life where you made your bed, and you either lie in it or you make a new bed. You keep making your bed in this dysfunctional situation where you know your needs are not being respected. You keep putting your kids in this dysfunctional situation where their mother is at the bottom of the totem pole.

You either leave it or you accept it. They are not going to change. Stop expecting them to. It's not going to happen. They care about themselves, not you. They are selfish and inconsiderate. People do not become selfless and considerate without first realizing the problem is their own. They keep blaming you for everything that is happening, so they're never going to change what they perceive to be your problem. And it is your problem: this situation works fine for them, as long as you keep sulking back.

Yes, leaving is scary. But what's to be scared of? Something bad happening? So what's worse: MAYBE something bad will happen if I leave, or something bad will DEFINITELY keep happening if I stay?
__________________
I don't need labels to define me. They're sticky and I hate the glue they leave behind.
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 03-24-2013, 05:14 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 153
Default

Emotional or mental abuse feeling like choice is taken from you is abuse. They are now manipulating you trying to turn you into a victim by stating.that your a tyrant and their the victims.this stress has already put you and the baby at physical risk that to me is physical abuse albeit unintentional. I dont think they are monsters just selfish unrelentless people. Please take care of yourself and your babies first. Jmop
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 03-24-2013, 05:33 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

You're right. Though they are attempting to change SOME behaviours, they are still showing me a fundamental lack of respect. I keep expecting them to realize theyve been neglecting me or outright treating me poorly and while they took action to make me feel less neglected, they still refused to put their selfishness when it comes to sex on hold for my sake. I think you.may also be missing that I will be leaving two children behind here. two children who I have raised as my own for half their lives. G at least acknowledges I have a right to be upset about everything, including last night. Before this, our relationship was good, balanced. Our poly was good and balanced. I think its worth noting. It doesnt negate what happened but I want to get back to that place where we were good. where I was treated well, it was only a few months ago and for the past three years. H has left, she is going to stay somewhere else for a while. I don't know how long. Her stuff is still here. We will see. I know its frustrating to you all that I insist on staying. I can't really ask for advice anymore, you have all done enough. Thanks so much again. I truly appreciate it.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealousy, new relationship energy, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:39 AM.