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  #1  
Old 03-12-2013, 06:31 PM
Montruc Montruc is offline
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Default New to polyamory

My boyfriend and i are both military which is (for the most part) great for our relationship. I am fairly young and knew he was polyamorous when we began dating but I have never met anyone who was polyamorous before, at least not to my knowledge and i did not have a clear understanding of what that meant. I myself am monogamous. We have talked about our differences many times and he is very open and honest with me. I know he has other crushes and often flirts with other girls but we have an agreement that he will not become intimate with them. I am changing duty stations soon to another country very soon and I'm concerned that without a true understanding of polyamory, I will become even more jealous and inadvertently push him away. I think that my biggest problem is that I'm confused about why he needs the attention of other women. I'm still in the process of finding myself and dealing with the stresses of military life and moving to a new country where I won't know anyone or the language so I really need his support. I don't want to force him into monogamy if it makes him unhappy or feel lacking in some way. I love him very much and I know he's doing everything he can to keep me from being jealous while maintaining total honesty. We are both very physical people so I'm worried that when I leave, he will seek that attention elsewhere. But I also think getting to know someone who is polyamorous would greatly help to adjusting to his lifestyle and learning to make reasonable compromises.
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  #2  
Old 03-12-2013, 07:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I think that my biggest problem is that I'm confused about why he needs the attention of other women.
Could you please clarify if you are in a CLOSED, exclusive relationship with him or not?

Is he wanting to OPEN the relationship now and saying he NEEDS to?

Quote:
I am changing duty stations soon to another country very soon and I'm concerned that without a true understanding of polyamory, I will become even more jealous and inadvertently push him away.
What could you need to stop feeling jealous? Could anything here help? esp page 5 and 6?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Quote:
I don't want to force him into monogamy if it makes him unhappy or feel lacking in some way.
Is he saying he is unhappy in a monoship with you? He wants to be in a polyship?

If he wants to be with you in a polyship of some configuration (see open models) and YOU do not want to be in a polyship? Do not be. Break up because of basic incompatible wants for the relationship shape. You both have the right to have your romances come in the shapes you enjoy. If they do not line up, they do not line up. Nobody's fault. That's what dating is for -- to find those who are compatible.

But if he is happy in monoship with you and is happy to honor agreements to have no other lover but you... could you be allowing your jealousy to create mistrust in him? Rather than trusting HIS word and his behaviors toward you?

Has he done something for you to doubt his trustworthiness in his word and his actions? What makes it hard for you to trust him?

Nothing hurts like your partner NOT BELIEVING YOU when you have done nothing untrustworthy.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-12-2013 at 07:05 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-12-2013, 08:24 PM
Montruc Montruc is offline
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I read the link you posted and it definitely explained things in a way I could understand. I think a lot of my jealousy stems from the fear of leaving and being replaced. He is happy in our current closed relationship and I know my fears are unsubstantiated. I don't think however that I was introduced to polyamory in the right way, until now I don't think any of my fears and misconceptions have really been addressed. I realize now after reading your response that there are things we need to talk about. I was unsure before in how to articulate exactly what I wanted to know which made communication disintegrate fairly quickly. I'm not against trying an open relationship but I do have a lot of concerns. Especially since I won't see him again for at least 7 months.
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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In that case perhaps "pitfalls" and "opening a monoship" articles here could help?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html

Quote:
I'm not against trying an open relationship but I do have a lot of concerns. Especially since I won't see him again for at least 7 months.
Could not open until you have all your agreements in place and things sorted out and your concerns laid to rest.

GG
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  #5  
Old 03-12-2013, 09:32 PM
Montruc Montruc is offline
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I really appreciate your responses. I know at 20 I'm still emotionally developing and maturing so getting honest, non-biased and practical information is invaluable. Just reading the links you provided and other posts on the forum I feel that I can better express my concerns to him without throwing a tantrum or making unreasonable demands. Communication is difficult for me when i don't have the vocabulary to express what my feelings and concerns are exactly which can be frustrating for both my boyfriend and I. I feel like now with places to start researching and to learn more i can have a conversation, not an argument, with him about it. Thank you
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