Here goes. new tactic after affair

[ConfusedBryan]

Thanks Nycindie, I am really taking all the advice I have been given here to heart. I have talked more with my wife and through that I am coming to the conclusion that our intimate relationship is unrepairable. Been talking with two friends, one that has laid out from his perspective what he has been seeing, and one that has been in my exact situation years ago, expressing how he handled it and his regrets. Need to talk more with he second friend because our convo got cut short.

Everyone keeps saying that if I go out and look for someone that I need to disclose what's going on with me. Well, I do have morals, and would not want to start a relationship without doing that. I have been out several times and every time I approach a girl, I think about that and shut down.

It's a very confusing time for me. It's hard to process everything that is going on in my head, with my failing marriage, and all the while be a good dad to my three kids, not making them aware of what's going on, and not disclosing this info to any family(other than my bro).

[kdt26417]

Well, you are certainly in a tight spot. You will have to figure out how you want to proceed, as at the end of the day, your choices are yours.

Perhaps you and your wife will work out a different kind of marital arrangement, where you're just platonic friends and co-parents who happen to be married. But before you decide that, you should get some (preferably poly-friendly) counseling, and see what needs to be fixed and what can be fixed.

Whatever the means, the desired end here seems to be to find out if you can restore some of the love and trust you had earlier in your marriage. Even if the romantic aspect can't be repaired, it would be nice if some of the emotional aspect could be repaired.

Just some thoughts out loud.
Regards,
Kevin T.

[ConfusedBryan]

So after giving it much thought, and starting to read a book my friend read when he went through a similar situation, called "Rebuilding, when your relationship ends", I am beginning to belive that it's time to separate/divorce. I'm not sure I have it in me to watch her go through a different relationship while I hang around, watch the kids, and take care of the house; and hope that one day she may come to her senses and "fall back to me". I don't want to be that guy dangling at the end of the V that will just not get the hint to move on, I belive I am better than that.

I also don't think I have it in me to start a relationship at this time, may just need to focus on myself, and my kids. I have a tremendous hang-up of starting something with a new girl in the crazy difficult time with my incredibly messed up life.

My wife spent the night away on a spa get away and is coming home tonight. I will see how it is when I see her, and we can talk.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan

So . . . I am beginning to belive that it's time to separate/divorce. I'm not sure I have it in me to watch her go through a different relationship while I hang around, watch the kids, and take care of the house; and hope that one day she may come to her senses and "fall back to me".

You are right - appeasing her with the hope that she will turn around and give up her other relationship to devote herself to you again is no reason to go along with a poly arrangement. Pursuing multiple relationships cannot be out of a feeling of deficit. It can only work from a perspective of wanting to expand, and partnered people who open up the boundaries of their relationship need to have a home base that is already strong and healthy - jumping into a polyamorous dynamic and hoping it will fix what's broken is simply signing up for disaster, and there will be more than just you and your wife left hurting.

Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan

I belive I am better than that.

Of course! You deserve a sumptuous four-course meal, not just a few crumbs thrown your way.

Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan

I also don't think I have it in me to start a relationship at this time, may just need to focus on myself, and my kids. I have a tremendous hang-up of starting something with a new girl in the crazy difficult time with my incredibly messed up life.

Yes, your world came crashing down and you need to find your footing again. You need to take care of your emotional well-being and look out for your kids. No woman in her right mind would get involved with a guy who is so tangled up in this kind of drama, and as confused and hurting as you are - and rightly so. That is not saying anything against you, but I know how tumultuous it is when a marriage ends. Your partnership, and the partner you love and believed in for along time, betrayed you. It is devastating! Dating someone else is something you need to do when you are ready and looking forward to it. Not now, and not just because she wants you to, so she doesn't have to feel guilty about cheating on you.

Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan

It's a very confusing time for me. It's hard to process everything that is going on in my head, with my failing marriage, and all the while be a good dad to my three kids, not making them aware of what's going on, and not disclosing this info to any family(other than my bro).

For now you are dealing with your wife's betrayal, dishonesty, and manipulation. I don't think it is exactly necessary to find a poly-friendly therapist, but just someone who is good and can see through bullshit and speak directly to it. Get recommendations if you can. But work on you and keep nurturing your relationships with your kids. But I don't know why you can't let people know what's happening. It is her shame, not yours. You don't have to endure it in silence.

[ConfusedBryan]

Thanks. I so appreciate the honesty and advice.

Did not approach her last night about the big D. She was not feeling good and blah blah blah. Still need to read more and beef up my self confidence before standing my ground, but I think that is definately the path ahead of me.

I wantto thank everyone for the advice, and support. Even though I don't think this forum is the exact place for me to be, I'm glad I found it and posted here, for the objectiveness in considering a poly relationship.

[GalaGirl]

You sound like you are continuing sorting out your own wants, your own needs, your own limits and gaining clarity.

Good for you! That's hard work.

Keep going! I hope whatever the outcome, you come out in a more peaceful, healthier place in yourself.

GL!
Galagirl