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  #11  
Old 03-12-2013, 11:28 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
"Relationship broken, add people" is unlikely to work. If you insist on making inroads into poly before repairing your marital relationship then please make sure you disclose early to any potential partners that that's what they're signing up for. They have the right to protect themselves.

Yes this seems like an unwise tactic, especially if you are unsure where your relationship with your wife is going.
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  #12  
Old 03-13-2013, 12:29 AM
ConfusedBryan ConfusedBryan is offline
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Not a wise choice, I can agree. We do need to work on our relationship first, but she feels we need a break; wants to explore this relationship with the other guy, and wants me to see what's out there. This may not be the exactly right forum for me to be in, but seems like its not the completely wrong one either. We are together, keeping a friendship and trying to be open and honest with each other and see where that takes us. People have told me that she is being very selfish in his whole thing, but I still bear some of the burden because I drove her to do this, and why? Maybe I do not love her as much as I should. Maybe there is someone out there that can inspire me to love.

My wife and I have talked and this open relationship will probably not be permanent, but is the course we have decided to take, wherever that takes us.
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  #13  
Old 03-13-2013, 03:33 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Let us know how we can help. If you are on deck and have set a course, sail bravely and get counsel for the journey. Keep us posted and let us know of any questions you may have.
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  #14  
Old 03-13-2013, 05:34 AM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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Bryan, affairs are not about what you lack. It's not about not being blonde enough, ripped enough, tall enough, affectionate enough, or any of those things. Having relationships with other people has nothing to do with you. If I sleep with a woman, it isn't a male partner's fault for not having enough vaginas, if you can dig it.

I'm not a naturally affectionate person when it comes to romance, so I feel your pain. It's something you work at, piece by piece. You know how to love. I can see it in your writing. Is it analytical? Yup. Would it make a good romance novel? Nope.

A look, a note reminding you that you love her, or a simple touch on the small of her back are gentle reminders of the depth of your love. You don't have to be Elizabeth Barrett Browning; you just have to be straight-forward. And you may find open relationships trigger new ways to express your love, and be loved. It's opened avenues for me I would have never imagined, and it will get better. Keep fighting for your love.
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  #15  
Old 03-13-2013, 05:44 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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When I confronted her about it, she said that our relationship had felt stagnant for a long time, and while she considered us good friends and good parents, the romance was not there. She thought I felt the same way, that we had grown apart.
This is straight from the cheater's handbook. I'm not saying there is no validity to it, I'm just saying be careful about assuming this is the fault of your own relationship issues. She's still a grown woman that should be responsible for her actions. Almost all people, when caught in an affair, use this kind of justification.

It sounds like you guys need a different counselor if his advice was to "force" yourselves to fall in love again. But there is a kernel of truth there that relationships often take work, especially after broken trust. And I hope you are not letting her slide on being responsible for her actions. She could have come to you and honestly discussed your marriage, agreed to take steps to work on it, read books, taken marriage counseling. An affair is a betrayal of trust that is not to be taken lightly.

I am going to also agree with Emm here. Relationships really do need to be on pretty solid footing for the expansion to non-monogamy to work well. I know there have been exceptions to this rule, but more often than not, the added effects of the NRE, all the new emotions involved, the scheduling problems, and the new dymanics can play havoc on even solid marriages, much less ones that have been cracked by an affair. If you can stomach it, read my sordid thread for what can happen when you take on this lifestyle after an affair.

Of course, every situation is different. Mine is complicated by my W's bi-polar disorder and her extreme anger issues, as well as overwhelming guilt at bringing children into the world that she has not bonded with.

Last edited by learninginTN; 03-13-2013 at 06:00 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-13-2013, 05:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It depends on your expectations. If you go into it thinking it might fix your relationship or fill a void, that's not the same thing as trying it to see whether you like being with someone else instead. As long as they aren't lying to themselves (and of course, to each other and to other partners), it is a viable "tactic". Will it score imaginary internet points with the pretty poly people? I have my doubts. But as long as these are consenting adults going into it with their eyes open, then it's a thing.
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  #17  
Old 03-14-2013, 11:01 AM
ConfusedBryan ConfusedBryan is offline
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Boringguy you said it. Thanks. I am going into this to try to fix our felationship, not see if I like being with someone else. I hope my wife has the same goal in mind. I have read other posts on here when I searched under affair and a couple of them I could really identify with. This site has been really helpful for me to come to a place in myself that I can continue to move forward.
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  #18  
Old 03-14-2013, 12:05 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I am glad this site has been helpful Bryan, good luck with the future.
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  #19  
Old 03-14-2013, 12:40 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan View Post
My wife and I have talked and this open relationship will probably not be permanent...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan View Post
I am going into this to try to fix our felationship, not see if I like being with someone else.
It would be unethical if you failed to ensure that any potential partners know of and agree to this before they become involved with you. Adding people to an unsteady relationship will highlight the existing problems, not hide or fix them. It's not fair to let someone develop an emotional connection and then tell them they were only ever supposed to be temporary cut-price marriage therapy when your results differ from your expectations through no fault of theirs.
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  #20  
Old 03-14-2013, 12:42 PM
ConfusedBryan ConfusedBryan is offline
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Interesting question: Should I let my wife see and read this post? On one hand it may show her what I'm thinking, but on the other I'm not sure how she will read into this... I already told her that I was posting to a site that was belping me.
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