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  #11  
Old 11-21-2010, 02:20 PM
polynHR polynHR is offline
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Let me start off by saying that as a man I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. My wife and I last year was in a similar situation. We both sat down and talk about it and it was I that suggested being poly. Let me say that you are not weird in your feelings.

I believe that your husband is trying to confuse you and make you believe that you are the problem in the marriage. I'm not a counselor but it was the 6 months of counseling that led us to this junction. From that we found that we both had a part in the way our marriage was going. So your husband needs to man up and accept responsibility for his part.

Now concerning the having a baby and loosing weight. Please, please, please do not have a baby with this man. This will not help the situation it will only make it worse. Furthermore, their are a lot of guys out their that like full figured women. To me size 12 is not big at all, you are probably more attractive than he realize. I believe he said this to make you doubt your self and believe that no one will want you at that size. Well he is flat out wrong. You have to feel good about you, and if you are happy at a size 12 then stay a size 12. Erin what ever you do, do it because you want to not because he feel you should.

The bottom line as a man move to Florida and leave the idiot, you probably would be better off. Also, my wife and I are from Chicago, we both grew up on the south side of Chicago. So we both read this and we feel your pain, stay strong and know that its all about you.

polynHR
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  #12  
Old 11-21-2010, 05:41 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Run! Get out while you can!
Don't hold back, Mags; tell us what you really think.
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  #13  
Old 11-21-2010, 07:00 PM
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I have been thinking about control lately and your thread has touched a big nerve for me Erin. What your man is doing is attempting to control you by making you feel worthless and unlovable. Please get out, if not physically, then mentally.

It is simply wrong, in my opinion, to allow anyone to control our right for freedom, expression and to be exactly who we are. Your marriage is not a dictatorial state. It is a shared experience that is meant to be about love, respect, acceptance and common appreciation for who each other is. This is not 1950 when women were shackled to their homes and rolls as a house wife and mother and all the cultural rules that went along with that.

I suggest you have a good long talk with him and give him a reality check pretty soon. He deserves this at least as he is a product of his up bringing... In that reality check, I do hope that you encourage him to learn and grow beyond his mind set as he is operating from old programming and will end up lonely and abandoned, as not many women will stay with an asshole like him and he will wonder why and be angry... we don't need people like him taking that out on the world and women in particular.

I believe it's our job as women to knock some sense into some men... at least attempt it before we move on.
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  #14  
Old 11-21-2010, 09:32 PM
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Default Thank you!!!

I am so overwhelmed with comfort to read all of your comments. Your shared experiences makes me feel that I'm not crazy or alone. I have only been able to read these on my iPhone and planned to quote all of you with responses. My husband and I share a computer, and I believe he is leaving for the store soon. I will share my thoughts soon. I am so very grateful to have discovered this forum and hear your thoughts. You are my only positive source of input.

Erin
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  #15  
Old 11-22-2010, 12:43 AM
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Everyone’s comments have been so wonderful. This has been so confusing for me, so I enjoy reading what you say! I can tell this is a safe community to draw advice from.

To be clear, I have been working on fixing this relationship for years, but my frustrations grew out of control in the last few months. This weekend, I had again asked for marriage counseling but he denied it. He also denied my bisexuality, any possibility to polyamory, or inclusion of a 3rd person to spice up the non-existent sex life. So just when I thought we could move forward, we instead took 5 steps backward. We get along as friends, so after 3 hrs of talking this weekend, it was easier for me to make peace with the terms listed above than storm out and move into a relative’s basement. He did, however, have no qualms with me going out to the clubs and dance on the weekends with friends. He knows dancing is a form of music therapy and exercise for me. (I gave that up too for him when I met him.) Damn, I sound so dumb.

So after the long talk, he was flirty and cheerful all day yesterday… until I went out dancing with my girl friend last night. Today, he was much more quiet and reserved. He hasn’t really talked to or touched me all day. If he does, he’s critical and sarcastic. This is so typical of our relationship. One day we’re up, the next we’re down. He’s mean to me but makes me dinner. It’s exhausting.

I do not feel weird in wanting to share myself with others and to share him with others. I know I look nice - I dress well and take care of myself. When he told me I was overweight, I new he was just being an a**hole in retaliation for me wanting to date others while remaining married. I never cried or anything – I just stopped talking to him. However, he made me feel bad for telling me I have these thoughts. Basically, now I’m not allowed to talk about it. He says it is dirty and immoral. I feel it is human nature to share love with more than one person in a responsible way. I actually have a new man in mind as we are both spiritually and sexually connected, but my new guy won’t take it any further unless I leave my husband. So as it stands, both men are not in my life. I feel so very alone and sad! What the hell do I do now?!

Despite the bad stuff I’m telling everyone, my husband is a good, moral person who definitely provides for me. I wouldn’t mind staying with him if he was more open minded to my sexual needs, but this will never be so. I’m tired of trying. The sex and sexual favors effectively stop immediately. I am saving as much money as possible so that when the separation does occur, I’ll be ready.

I am so thankful to hear from everyone, and even a man’s perspective – so appreciated!

I am not sure what to do next. Do I continue to keep things to myself as he wishes? Do I allow myself to meet new men or women despite what he will allow in the marriage? I fear the threat of infidelity is all to real at this point. What do you all do when your partner says no? How do you cope?

Erin
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  #16  
Old 11-22-2010, 02:55 AM
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You need to decide if you can live with cutting off an essential part of yourself for the rest of your life.

He refuses counseling and condemns you for being who you are. He views part of you, a part that is natural and loving, as something dirty. As a sickness.

He insults you to make you feel inadequate, in order to maintain control over you.

Lying to him and continuing to see others behind his back will eat away at your soul. It will cheapen you and cause you immeasurable harm.

Only you can decide if it is worth it to deny a beautiful, vital part of yourself in order to please him. But bear in mind that it's likely that he will never be pleased, no matter how badly you mutilate your essential self to suit his standards.

His unwillingness to seek counseling with you or to even try to understand your point of view should be a big red flag. A big red flag with flashing danger signals around it. Oh, and the flag is situated in the middle of a minefield littered with bear traps. And it's on fire.

But he pays the bills, so it's okay that he doesn't satisfy you emotionally or physically and thinks you are morally inferior.

Pardon the sarcasm there, but why are you staying? For the financial security? I know it's scary out there, but who you are is something worth fighting for. Who you are in your heart of hearts is all that you really have in the end.
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  #17  
Old 11-22-2010, 03:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
Pardon the sarcasm there, but why are you staying? For the financial security? I know it's scary out there, but who you are is something worth fighting for. Who you are in your heart of hearts is all that you really have in the end.
Penny,
This forum has helped me realize that I cannot remain with this man and ever be fully satisfied. He'll never be satisfied because he'll always be worried. His non-sex does not match my all-sex needs. (I feel like I'm the dude in the relationship!) Now I understand why men cheat on women who withhold. This is torture!

I couldn't leave this weekend because I'm not prepared. I need to save more, prepare my family that trouble is brewing (lessening the blow now will make criticism on me disappear later), and I have a stressful job which would add to my anxiety right before the holidays.

Ya, I agree my staying with him right now is shit. I should leave. I should drive over to the other man's home and profess my interests in him. But I wont. Instead I'll keep my thoughts to myself, read from the book section, and talk with the wonderful people on this forum. My biggest challenge will be to remain monogomous in the meantime. But it's killing me inside!
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  #18  
Old 11-22-2010, 04:42 AM
polynHR polynHR is offline
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Erin

You have taken a very important step to your freedom. I like what someone said about him being controlling. I share your story with my wife and first she thank me for not being that way when she was discover of cheating.

We both feel that you should not cheat on him. That will just add more fuel to the fire. Also the other guy you are with that is asking you to leave your current husband sounds controlling as well. Plus that doesn't help you with being bi-sexual.

I think you should search for counselor on your own. If you start to go the counselor could help you sort this out. Plus once he see that you are going he may feel guilty and want to go.

Also my wife brought up a good point. She is wondering if you husband has another woman on the side. Based off what he said in your 3hr discussion and now you say he his up and down with his moods. So maybe you might want to check into that.

Lastly, look at Illinois laws about divorce., being from Illinois ourselves we know they have an infidelity clause for divorces. Just something to think about.

Good luck we will be thinking of you

Kelvin and Jacqueline
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  #19  
Old 11-22-2010, 05:13 AM
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Hmm... I'm scared of being unfaithful and then getting caught. He'd throw everything on the lawn. I used to think he had cheated as I am never able to really know the locations of his side jobs in construction. I doubt he is at the moment. He's always home but definitely clears his internet history. I find it so odd that a grown man never asks for sex. Isnt that weird??

I know he is controlling - mind controlling. When I call him out on it, he blames that I'm too sensitive. I'm more mindful of it now more than ever and it causes fights and tension.

The more I talk about the details, the more I realize I need to get out before it really turns ugly. The man I'm pursuing wont talk to me now. He insists I discover who I want to be before he lets me into his heart again. I dont think he's controlling - I think he doesnt want to be the rebound to spoil what could be a really good thing.
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  #20  
Old 11-22-2010, 05:26 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It sounds like he is manipulating you Erin... silence and then supper? No way! It's passive aggressive if you ask me. He knows that he is confusing you and is using it against you I think... even if he doesn't, that is what is happening so don't buy into it.

Don't let him take your integrity by cheating or running off to other men... it sounds like saving money and thinking of a future without him in it is your best bet right now so that you can feel confident and have a strong feeling of self worth when and if it does go to shit entirely.

Keep strong and pleasant and plan your escape if it has come to that... pack a few things, make a list of what you will take, save some money and do things for you... not for anyone else, including cheating as a form of being rescued by another man... YOU are your best primary, treat yourself that way.
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