Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-22-2010, 01:06 PM
Ciana Ciana is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 2
Default unicorn found... maybe..

Hi Everyone,

I have a situation to run by you. My husband and I have begun dating a single woman. She is interested in both of us, as we are in her. We met through a website and this is our first attempt at forming a triad. The problem for me is, she is VERY shy. It's been almost 3 weeks and she still trembles if I look at her. It's freaking me out a bit. I'm not shy at all. My husband is, or was.. used to be more shy than he is now, anyway. The thing is.. the shyness keeps her from opening up, sharing her feelings, talking in general. She swears she's doing what she wants to, but I worry. We've done the best we know how to communicate with her. And we told her at the onset, communication is a BIG deal for us. I can't be in a relationship where shutting down anytime you get a little uncomfortable is how you handle things. My husband is more understanding of shyness, but the lack of communication is bothering him, too.

It's way too soon to know if this is the right person for us, but how will we ever know if things can't feel more natural? I try very hard to be a realist, no
"pie in the sky" thinking, but I can't help but wonder... wouldn't the right person for us be able to open up, connect more, etc? Her actions in person and what she communicates via computer chatting isn't congruent. She says in online chats that she's crazy happy, very excited, feels so connected.. then says she's scared and that her friends aren't supportive of her dating us. It's all very confusing to me. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to push away from something that might be wonderful.. but I can't help but wonder.. how do you know when the other party can't open up?

This post is very confusing.. cuz, that's what I am right now.. very confused!

Thanks for listening
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-22-2010, 02:05 PM
Penny's Avatar
Penny Penny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 143
Default

Three weeks is not a long time, particularly for someone who is naturally shy. And I imagine that being the third coming into an established relationship is particularly scary. It is probably easier for her to open up when communicating through text than in person.

If she is worth bringing into your relationship, she is worth the patience and understanding.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-22-2010, 02:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hey Ciana,

I agree with Penny and you. It's WAY early to tell much.
I would just be concerned (only a little) about her general characteristics - the shyness and seemingly general lack of communication skills. The ability to be more expressive in text on a computer than in person lines up nicely with the shyness/insecurity so............There are reasons for such things and I guess I'd be trying to understand the roots of those issues. Because both of those things can be worked on and improved relatively easily, once the desire is there. But the underlying causes may be bringing more with them that hasn't surfaced yet. And some of those things may be much more difficult to deal with.

I hope you get what I'm saying.

No paranoia - just eyes open to reality............

GS
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-22-2010, 03:50 PM
Penny's Avatar
Penny Penny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 143
Default

On the flip side, my boyfriend, my husband, and I all have tendencies toward shyness and often use email to discuss things that we have difficulty talking about in person.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. Our friends tell us that they look to us as an example of a couple that really works, and that we give them hope for their own relationships because we are happy, close and loving.

We have also, in the past, had a problem communicating our needs to each other, so my husband started composing emails to me to express his feelings. This aided our communication greatly, and we are now able to discuss things in a manner that we can both understand and relate to. If things get bumpy again, we'll probably go back to emails again.

My boyfriend and I discuss our relationship via email often. He says that, while he is often uncomfortable discussing his feelings in person, he feels that we could talk about just about anything in our letters. He is a bit shy and gets embarrassed by praise, so I express many things to him via email that would fluster him in person. Over the course of our 3 months of intimacy, he has become much more open with his feelings and his ability to accept and express affection verbally. I know that our text communications greatly sped up this process.

So, I would have to disagree that greater comfort communicating via text is a sign of potential problems... at least not anymore than just about anything can be seen that way. It is a normal part of my relationships, and has paved the way to greater intimacy.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-22-2010, 11:52 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Possibility is shy as well. We've been dating about two years and we STILL do more communicating via email/chat than we do in person. It doesn't help that he's ADHD as well.

I find, that for me, text helps me to organize my thoughts more easily so I know what I want to say or talk about when we do meet rather than tripping over my tongue, lol.

It took him most of those two years to be comfortable enough around me to be able to undress for heaven's sake! He's still not totally comfortable actually, but knows I'm not going to laugh at him so it is coming easier.
__________________
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-23-2010, 02:13 AM
TheBlackSwede's Avatar
TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 150
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ciana View Post
Her actions in person and what she communicates via computer chatting isn't congruent. She says in online chats that she's crazy happy, very excited, feels so connected.. then says she's scared and that her friends aren't supportive of her dating us.
I don't think these two things are necessarily incongruous - I think perhaps she IS really excited, feels very connected, and is also scared that her friends aren't supportive. My wife and I still haven't come "out" to our friends yet, because we're afraid they won't be able to accept our decision. This is something we're working on, but I certainly understand her fear, and at the same time, her excitement about being in a new relationship.

As to her being shy... Get her drunk. Kiddin'. (not really) But seriously, it's way early on. It'll take time for her to open up.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:59 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Agreeing with most said here, but I wanted to add that perhaps she is very much an internet person... grown up socializing and learning skills on line rather than in real life. I find that scary personally as I am very hands on and just not of that generation. I find it alarming how many people are just not able to function in the real world but function just fine on line.

I think if this were me I would talk to her about her internet use and see if this is the case... then I think I would go with what she has learned and communicate with her that way... if she is comfortable in that then so be it... next I would have her repeat the whole conversation over again in a real face to face discussion. It can be used to clarify and go over how you all feel in real life. Perhaps in time she will be able to come up with her own expression of how she feels without using any crutch as a go between. That way you may all get what you need to feel secure, safe and comfortable in your communications together.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-23-2010, 10:25 AM
geminigirl's Avatar
geminigirl geminigirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 111
Default

Is there an age difference between her and the two of you?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-23-2010, 02:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
.............

So, I would have to disagree that greater comfort communicating via text is a sign of potential problems... at least not anymore than just about anything can be seen that way. It is a normal part of my relationships, and has paved the way to greater intimacy.
Yea Penny, I think you missed my point.
Text/writing is a great way to communicate - especially in areas where the subject matter can be a bit complex. By sitting down and composing something, you have time to think through what you want to say and how best to say it. I've used it extensively most of my life. We (mate & I) even used to write 'letters' (real paper & ink) to our kids when they still were at home. Dealing with a letter from both the writer and the reader's standpoint let's you step away from the face-to-face, potentially confrontational moment. It lets you disconnect some of the emotion and deal more with the facts. Very helpful.

But what you described - and granted I'm sure, short and incomplete is a totally different thing. You're describing someone who trembles when dealing in a 'live' environment. What she "writes" may be accurate - more accurate than what she portrays in person. But her inability to line the two up and such a high level of anxiety in a social setting speaks much louder to me. There's 'issues' there. Maybe little ones, maybe huge ones. Time will tell. My only message was.............'be prepared".

GS
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:10 PM
Penny's Avatar
Penny Penny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 143
Default

GS, I don't think I missed your point so much as I am perhaps a bit too quick to rise to the defense of the shy and socially backwards. While I stand by my point, I admit, upon reading your post again, that I read too much into it and over-personalized it.

Trembling did not raise a red flag for me as it is something that happens to me on occasion during stressful social situations. I still put myself in those situations because I don't want to allow my shyness to cause me to miss out on fun times.

I can imagine myself getting a case of the trembles under the circumstances mentioned above. Similar things have happened, but I try not to let it get in the way.

Still, the OP might want to consider if someone who is not as gregarious as they are is a good fit.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:59 PM.