Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 06-03-2010, 02:48 AM
Anne Anne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 12
Default

Thanks for your replies and stories!

I think Iīm also always been poly, I just didn`t permit myself to be it. I had learned that being "a good person" meant to be faithful to your partner. But I often fell in love with people when I was in a relationship, trying to get through these situations without lying - which has never been an option for me - feeling guilty, and, at the same time, feeling that it has to be like that.

Living this a a lifestyle for me is like breaking free. There is a proverb which says "If you are able to say no, you have to lie less" - I think poly is the positive version of this: If you just stand by your feelings and are able to say yes, you donīt have to lie anymore.

I really like reading all your posts about your journeys

Best wishes
Anne
__________________
* Every new love enlarges the heart *
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 06-03-2010, 04:58 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171
Default

Quote:
In other cases, it sounds like they're just really optimistic that there are a lot of people out there that would be great to connect to, and how would you know if you don't look. Which I guess says something good about their opinion of strangers.
^lol...

I'm in a state of "open to experience, but not looking". I work a 9-5(12 hours if you count wake up and commutes) with one girlfriend, and plenty of video games. Don't have alot of time to be "looking" for other people, lol.

I think it depends on your state of mind or area of life you're in.
__________________
---------------------------------------------------\\\
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 06-04-2010, 09:19 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,030
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne View Post
Now, my questions is: Can there exist the wish to live a polyamorous life which is not linked to a special person? In other words, do people feel like "oh, Iīd like to have another partner, letīs get out and find one?"
Yup, there is! *puts up her hand*

Although, I'm learning to skip the "let's get out and find one" part because, turns out, it isn't working for me any better than "I'll go out and find a boyfriend" worked when I was single! When I decided to start being happy with my life, love just fell in my lap

Part of where I'm at right now is having a husband who works out of town 10/14 days and just feeling a desire to have a more "frequent, in-person romance". But that's not "the reason" why I'm poly... Even when I was single, I knew that I wasn't keen on a monogamous lifestyle.
__________________
Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. " -- Louis de Berničres
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 06-20-2010, 04:55 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 145
Default Why are YOU poly?

Sometimes this question is asked in such a way that we may feel defensive, perhaps by people who are judging it before they fully understand.
In other instances, this question may be asked by a spouse or friend who truly wants to understand.

I'm interested in hearing anyone's experiences or thoughts.

I was asked this question (or a version thereof) and it was basically asking "why do I need/want someone else?"

In my own case, it wasn't because of any unhappiness (which some people associate with 'seeking out someone else', ie. cheating) in fact I'm happier than I've been in a long time. The reason why I sought out someone else, was for the 'experience' at first, something both my husband and I wanted. Then we both discovered that it was possible to have a relationship with more than one person, and to fall in love. So for me, if I were to seek out another it wouldn't be to fill any void, but it would be for a chance at even more love and/or more happiness.

When some of my family has asked, they haven't been a frame of mind to truly listen to what I'm telling them about why I'm not monogamous. That does shape my answers, typically making them brief. But the answer is simple, "Because it makes us, and everyone involved, truly happy"

P.S. I also wanted to add that when I was discussing this with a very good friend, I joked that the "3 hours a week I don't spend at work or with my men needs to be filled with something" Truth be told, the time factor is a major concern, but you make time for what's important, right? If everyone's needs can be met, then maybe it can be something worth pursuing
__________________
"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." - Ray Bradbury

Last edited by booklady78; 06-20-2010 at 04:58 PM. Reason: adding something
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 06-21-2010, 01:56 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 539
Default

I'm poly because I'm bisexual (or biamorous) and the poly lifestyle allows me to have a male and female partner whereas a monogamous relationship doesn't.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 06-21-2010, 02:58 AM
Princessb Princessb is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Default

We started 'swinging' because we thought it would be fun, and enlighting. Our first (and only) experience was with a couple we both fell in love with. it's been over a year, and we've had our problems, but like all couples we've worked them out. My husband and I never imagined we would find another couple like this, and actually fall in love... it's still a bit bizzare to me.. but both of us are happy, and feel more in love with each other and with our mates because of it...
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 06-21-2010, 03:11 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,828
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
I'm interested in hearing anyone's experiences or thoughts.

I was asked this question (or a version thereof) and it was basically asking "why do I need/want someone else?"
I wish I could give a clear answer. I don't know why. I guess I could just say "because I am"...because in the end I think I always had the ability. I have never exactly conformed to monogamy well.

I believe Pengrah would say the same thing if she ever got online. She was an early bloomer, bi sexual and in a hippy town. She had a number of lovers and could connect with multiple people.

Quote:
In my own case, it wasn't because of any unhappiness (which some people associate with 'seeking out someone else', ie. cheating) in fact I'm happier than I've been in a long time. The reason why I sought out someone else, was for the 'experience' at first, something both my husband and I wanted. Then we both discovered that it was possible to have a relationship with more than one person, and to fall in love. So for me, if I were to seek out another it wouldn't be to fill any void, but it would be for a chance at even more love and/or more happiness.
hmmmm...honestly my wife and I have always been non-monogamous, we simply fell in love with one of the girls we started having threesomes with. After she left the picture as a lover we realized we could love others. And honestly, I can't and don't want to rewind that new found perception.

I feel I have more to give than I currently do and would love to find someone to share that with. We'll see how this adventure unfolds.

Now I also view poly a little differently than others. I don't intend to stop making friends and potentially having threesomes, but i am very open to the fact that I can love other people and continue to explore that possibility.

Discovering Poly has opened up our rulesets and made us re-evaluate what we want and what we are looking for. Previously we locked ourselves into threesomes only & ffm only. Poly has allowed us to begin disgarding those rules.

Last edited by Ariakas; 06-21-2010 at 03:18 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 06-21-2010, 06:32 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

I will answer with a story.

My mum was telling me tonight about the minister of her church. Apparently this woman, who has a very sick husband (thought to be on his death bed, yet he is hanging on) and a thriving ministry had an affair with a man in the choir who is seeing impaired. His impairment was enough that he had a guide dog and needed much assistance by his wife to do things.

When the affair was discovered the minister had to leave her church and left her husband and the man and his wife began sorting out the emotional mess that had occurred.

This was about a year ago. Since then the man the minister has had an affair with has died of a cancer that spreads and kills quickly. Before his death he had made sure that the minister was not going to be at the funeral and would not come near his wife as they had fully reconciled and she had been stalking him.

Now the minister is at a different church and apparently has collapsed emotionally. The church is "looking after her" according to my mum and the wife of the man that has died is managing to find her legs again and seems to be sad yet relieved to have a future to look forward to.

When my mum told me this story I was disturbed. I sat with it for a bit, while I cut up veg for supper and eventually could not help saying (mustering up as much *calm* as I could), "well you know, it's a shame that the minister had no chance to say goodbye to her love. She and the wife both had men to look after and could of been of help to one another. It's too bad the minister had to leave the church and be taken away from all she had worked on. It's too bad that she was made to felt ashamed for loving more than one. Why couldn't they all of worked towards more love, more support, more family, rather than everyone being miserable, ashamed, deceived and left hurt and damaged because of them finding love in one another. Love is meant to be celebrated and enjoyed. But instead, as it seems to be with mainstream culture, it is curbed towards one person in one circumstance and in such a way as to covet and keep from everyone else."

My mum expressed that their needs to be rules to follow in the church. she sets an example that others follow. I just mumbled something under my breath like that that was the whole problem.... I made sure she didn't hear me, she subscribes to that point of view but was vaguely supportive in her tone that she thinks that beyond that, what I was saying was true. I need to nurture that by letting her figure it out on her own and wait for her to observe and see for herself that poly works.

I just can't imagine why anyone would want to stifle the one thing that makes us whole and one with each other. What ever form love takes, it has a right to go where it will and be enjoyed as it is. That is why I am poly... besides the fact that I was born this way.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 06-21-2010, 09:38 AM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 613
Default ...because I'm no good at "healthy boundaries"

at least that's what my ex-husband used to tell me. Ironically when I was with him i wanted an "open marriage'' (I hadn't heard about polyamory.)

We split, I fell head over heels for Z; suddenly had no desire for anyone else and wanted him all to myself. Unfortunately I'd already told Z that monogamy was no big deal for me.

So, even though I have this kind of weird sensation that I am living out my own karma, I have this deep knowing that polyamory is right for a lot of people, maybe even me, if I had the time.

Sage
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 06-21-2010, 12:13 PM
Elliott Elliott is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 6
Default

I'm poly because I have NEVER loved only one person at a time and because I am fortunate enough to have fallen in love only with people who can't understand why they would need to limit the sources of my happiness by keeping me all to themself.

My first real relationship (now my fiance ) has been open from the start. I explained to H that I loved them very much and wanted them to be happy and, for me, wanting H to be happy is not the same as wanting to *make* H happy. I want to maximise H's happiness and my own and we agreed that monogamy was something that wouldn't do that. H has their eye on another guy and I love watching them with him and seeing him make them happy.

My two girlfriends C and E feel similarly and are not jealous of H or of each other.

I'm poly because I can love many people and do so without hurting anyone and can also make my lovers happy.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
coming out poly, commitment, defintion, description, descriptions, discovery, dissatisfaction, first time, happiness, history, introduction to poly, learning, mono poly, mono/poly, new to polyamory, opening a relationship, poly, relationship issues, scale

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:24 AM.