Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 16 13.11%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 45 36.89%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 17 13.93%
I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me 8 6.56%
Other 36 29.51%
Voters: 122. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #431  
Old 06-25-2014, 03:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,871
Default

Read as much as you can here, confusedbigirl. You will get lots of reasons why people choose poly.
Reply With Quote
  #432  
Old 06-25-2014, 03:57 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519
Default

True, but you do tend to find, I think, a lot of negative/confused experiences (mostly due to the nature of forums). It's nice to consolidate the positive reasons.
Reply With Quote
  #433  
Old 06-25-2014, 04:13 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default

I always had open relationships. When I married I thought I had to be mono. I epic failed. As much as I love maca, I love other people too and pretending to be someone I wasn't was destructive for me and everyone around me.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #434  
Old 06-25-2014, 04:40 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,895
Default

I chose poly after almost 2 decades of monogamy, and being unsatisfied with the amount of sex I had in my life. Though I did give swinging a try, I am much happier building a love relationship that includes sex. Now I am in a polyfi vee and it is working wonderfully, for the most part.
__________________
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal

Me, center of a MFM V-shaped polycule (39F)
Wife to DarkKnight (40M) & PunkRockAwesomesauce (42M)
Reply With Quote
  #435  
Old 06-25-2014, 04:43 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,678
Default

I knew as early as junior high that "one person for the rest of your life" didn't make any sense at all to me. I read novels that included love triangles and always wondered why the author (or characters) didn't seem to think letting the girl have *both* guys was an option.

But having more than one partner didn't seem to be acceptable, so I forced myself into the monogamy mold. During my first marriage, many of my then-husband's family members cheated on their partners or left their partners for someone else. No one seemed to think this was a problem. But the idea of someone having two girlfriends or two boyfriends was completely disgusting to them. Whereas to me, it was a solution to the cheating/leaving...

I met Hubby on adultfriendfinder. Within a month, we agreed to see each other exclusively. He expressed that he was completely unwilling to consider any type of non-monogamous relationship, and I accepted that because monogamy seemed to be "how it's supposed to be." Even though I knew a number of couples on AFF who were in non-monogamous situations.

Last year, Hubby reversed his decision. He saw opening the marriage as a solution to a sexual disparity that had developed between us. At first, it was supposed to only be about sex, no friendship at all, let alone stronger feelings. Then it was amended to allow for friends with benefits, but nothing more intense than that.

When I realized I was developing feelings for Guy, I initially called a halt to us seeing each other so I wouldn't violate the agreements Hubby and I had made. Hubby caught on before I was willing to admit it, though. Looking back, I now realize some of his actions and statements during that time, and after Guy and I started seeing each other again but before I admitted my feelings, were Hubby's way of saying he knew what was going on and was okay with it. At the time, I didn't know, and I kept fighting myself to keep things with Guy where they were "supposed to" be.

In September, when I was finally ready to admit to myself, Hubby, and Guy how I felt, Hubby was already prepared. And he immediately told me he thought me having both men in my life was a good thing. A positive, healthy thing, in part because emotional support, and in part because Hubby had watched me struggle with trying *not* to have feelings for Guy, and wanted me to feel that I was allowed to be myself and not keep trying to fit a mold that just didn't work for me.
Reply With Quote
  #436  
Old 06-25-2014, 11:44 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,884
Default

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"Why poly instead of monogamy?"
Bee-cuuuuz, I fell in love with a married woman (and I was already married myself). We wanted to find a solution to our dilemma that didn't involve divorce, cheating, or breaking up. The woman I'd fell in love with did some web research in hopes of discovering that solution. That's how we found out about poly.

Of course, everyone (all four connected adults) had to be willing and ready to think outside the box where relationships were concerned, for that to work. I had already "turned into a rebel" so I was ready. Less than a year later, everyone was okay with a poly unit being formed.

That's a really short version of my story and you can read my blog here if you'd like to know more. And I'll always try to answer questions, wherever I find them. But that, in a nutshell, is the story of why I went for poly.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #437  
Old 06-26-2014, 04:40 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,357
Default

Here is the link to a previous discussion on the topic.

My answer from that thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus
I arrived at polyamory because of my worldview shifting toward a stance of absolute independence. I rejected the concept of monogamy as a traditionalist social trapping which had ceased to apply to me. I decided that free sexual expression (or lack of expression) was preferable and that slut shaming and sex negativity were not for me. I learned that applying a scarcity model to emotional love was broken, and that there were no limits to emotional intimacy but merely logistical constraints like time and energy.

With all of these ideals in play I pretty much defaulted to polyamory. I was with my monogamous wife at the time I came to this discovery. I didn't have any other lovers on the line and wasn't looking for any - it was a philosophical distinction, not a desire to have multiple romantic partners. Granted, the ability to have multiple romantic partners greatly appeals to me, but I am a person who requires a great deal of alone time and thus do not put much effort into building very many of these kinds of relationships. Add to that, these days I'm not interested in any relationships which are not basically effortless - and most people are dramatic, needy, controlling, disaster pieces... so there's that hindrance
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #438  
Old 06-26-2014, 04:14 PM
HelloSweety HelloSweety is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 39
Default

Because I have always had the capacity to love more than one person at a time, and my husband both knows me and knows that I am transparently honest and always have been. My Husband is fine with it because he knows I still love him (hell I think I might love him even more for being ok with this lol!) I love both my husband and my boyfriend. And while there are many days that I wonder how in the world I got so lucky to find not one but two men who both love and respect me (And put up with my crazy ass!) I'm just too happy to want to dissect that! Honestly the hardest part about maintaining my relationships other than being extremely flexible with time management has been without a doubt the inability to talk to most friends and loved ones about everything that is "really" going on in my life! In many ways I wish that society as a whole was ok with the kind of relationship I'm in. I think it would be a bit easier if I could be open about it, but I can't and that does make me a bit sad. But that's why I'm here so that at least in a few places I can be open and honest with other people.
Reply With Quote
  #439  
Old 06-27-2014, 12:36 AM
RichardInTN's Avatar
RichardInTN RichardInTN is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: East Tennessee
Posts: 101
Default

I'm not currently in any sort of Poly situation currently... but... I came to the belief in Poly a long time ago.

We can love more than one sibling, we can love more than one parent, we can love more than one relative, we can love more than one child. Love doesn't stop because it also exists for another. To think that it does just doesn't make any sense to me.

If we can "spread" our love around in all those other situations without it diminishing for any single person... why do people think that "significant other" (spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever) love is incapable of the same ability to expand and grow?


I'm not sure who first said this sentiment (I've seen numerous variations attributed to many different people), but it's something that I firmly believe in: Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away
__________________
Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination
I believe in I.D.I.C.
(Vulcans would LOVE {pardon the pun} Polyamory)
Reply With Quote
  #440  
Old 06-27-2014, 03:30 AM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: farm, middle of nowhere
Posts: 27
Default

I'm new to it, myself. I opened to the possibility because my late husband did not meet all of my needs. He was unable to accept the concept of an open relationship, and I ended up cheating on him a couple of times, and felt bad that I couldn't be honest with him about needing a single evening with someone else, even though I loved him.

My current husband and I came to the conclusion that an open relationship with casual (but safe) sex with others was something we were both open for -- after we'd been together for two years, and married for almost one of them. I guess some would call it "swinging," but that implies a more active participation than I like. We were just open, not searching. When something fun came along, we were open.

Then my husband fell in love -- something he hadn't expected to have happen. He hadn't even slept with her, but he was smitten. So if she's accepting, we're now open for a long term committed relationship with someone we both approve of, which means we've officially gone from: Vaguely questioned monogamy; open monogamy with casual partners; admittedly polyamourous, presuming someone compatible whom we both love (in some way, platonic or romantically) comes along. But we are happy and committed to each other, no matter what happens with anyone else.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, cheating, coming out poly, commitment, defintion, description, descriptions, discovery, dissatisfaction, first time, happiness, history, introduction to poly, learning, mono poly, mono/poly, new to polyamory, opening a relationship, poly, relationship issues, scale, starting out

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:19 AM.