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  #431  
Old 06-27-2014, 03:30 AM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
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I'm new to it, myself. I opened to the possibility because my late husband did not meet all of my needs. He was unable to accept the concept of an open relationship, and I ended up cheating on him a couple of times, and felt bad that I couldn't be honest with him about needing a single evening with someone else, even though I loved him.

My current husband and I came to the conclusion that an open relationship with casual (but safe) sex with others was something we were both open for -- after we'd been together for two years, and married for almost one of them. I guess some would call it "swinging," but that implies a more active participation than I like. We were just open, not searching. When something fun came along, we were open.

Then my husband fell in love -- something he hadn't expected to have happen. He hadn't even slept with her, but he was smitten. So if she's accepting, we're now open for a long term committed relationship with someone we both approve of, which means we've officially gone from: Vaguely questioned monogamy; open monogamy with casual partners; admittedly polyamourous, presuming someone compatible whom we both love (in some way, platonic or romantically) comes along. But we are happy and committed to each other, no matter what happens with anyone else.
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  #432  
Old 06-28-2014, 11:28 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Because monogamy, to me, just reeks of ownership and control... and I strive for freedom, autonomy, and respect in my social contacts.

Note, though, that while it's unacceptable to me personally and to the values I live by, that doesn't make it objectively "worse". Monos sure are free to live in mono arrangements if they want to, I simply won't ever agree to join in with them in that sort of 'ship - monogamy/exclusivity, to me, is an immediate and absolute dealbreaker, and I'd rather be alone forever than settle for it.
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  #433  
Old 07-04-2014, 11:17 AM
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Sirensong Sirensong is offline
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This is stated wonderfully.


Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneMystic View Post
Because monogamy, to me, just reeks of ownership and control... and I strive for freedom, autonomy, and respect in my social contacts.

Note, though, that while it's unacceptable to me personally and to the values I live by, that doesn't make it objectively "worse". Monos sure are free to live in mono arrangements if they want to, I simply won't ever agree to join in with them in that sort of 'ship - monogamy/exclusivity, to me, is an immediate and absolute dealbreaker, and I'd rather be alone forever than settle for it.
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  #434  
Old 01-13-2015, 01:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Happy Squirrel,
Most people here are familiar with the site you mentioned and there is a link to it in our Golden Nuggets section, so there is no need to keep bombing us with a link to it in every single one of your posts!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #435  
Old 01-15-2015, 11:32 AM
Nordic Nordic is offline
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Default Poly and Me...and Dupree

I first heard of polyamory from a short romance I had with a man named C. Typical alpha male, strong muscular type-hyper intelligent and dominant, back in the 90s. It was all just talk then, because neither had that experience yet.

While he was not involved with anyone else and neither was I, he expressed an interest in exploring a polyamorous lifestyle down the road, should anything more permanent develop.

Sadly, I was not living in the area when we met, and had limited time together to bond, so eventually we drifted apart and the conversations stopped.

I met my ex-husband shortly after, we spent 12 years together, and while I love him still in many ways, I was not being fulfilled sexually or emotionally for the last 5 years. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. We split two years ago, and I relocated back to the area I was originally from.

For the past two years I have been rebuilding a sense of individual self again, contemplating what I want and letting life take its course. I think that polyamory has found me, not the opposite.

I ran into C again, unexpectedly. We immediately picked back up where we left off, talking every day, remembering our times together and our discussions. He is currently in a great relationship with his boyfriend R of five years. I recently met and have started dating/communicating with R, with C in complete agreement. He is usually present for our dates (like I said, alpha...likes to control the situations!) and we have discovered that a new emotional bond is developing between R and I, which C is really proud of! So are we! C knows that because of our past together, I could be perceived as a threat to R, and vice versa. C and I both realize that he and I will have little difficulty bonding with one another, so the focus has been put on his two guys' falling for each other first.

Edit: C, R and I are in the bonding processes of building a true triad, which is clearly fraught with pitfalls and potential emotional stresses. It hasn't been very long, only a few weeks of constant talking and social interaction, nothing physical.
This will likely change soon as we have all been tested, we are all disease and drug free, and I am having R over this weekend - with the intent to possibly take things to the next level. It's new to me and R in practice, so we are the clear focus right now. We are all finding our way through it, and although we recognize that it may not work out we believe we are going about things in the most loving and productive way possible.

It's working, so far!

C -53, professional writer, tall dark n handsome, intellectually dominant
R- 30, Sexy Latin fashion designer, creative, quietly aggressive and versatile
Me - 42, the luckiest man on the planet right now, trying to be a musician, passive

Last edited by Nordic; 01-15-2015 at 12:06 PM. Reason: Added point 2
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  #436  
Old 01-16-2015, 07:21 PM
PolyRed PolyRed is offline
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I've been married for ten years to my hubby. A couple of years ago we started kicking around the idea of an open relationship/polyamory. When I changed careers to the medical field and ended up forming a deep relationship with a doctor/co-worker/mentor - M (my current emotional secondary), we decided to officially open it up in 2014. I ended up forming a strong bond with M and we spent more and more time together outside of work. This led to an interaction in Sept. 2014 in which a) he learned of my open relationship and my feelings for him, b) I learned M was in an on/off relationship with a GF, which was then complicated when he chose to have a spontaneous makeout session with me.

I was strong and stopped it from going much further, but things got awkward between M and I for a few months. Lots of apologizing on both sides, awkward conversations and interactions at work, and eventually we ended up having longer and longer serious discussions that more clearly indicated that we have strong feelings for one another and wanted that emotional closeness again. We met again in person in early December and we have been extremely close ever since, spending time together each week, but we have not crossed the physical line again.

His romantic relationship with the GF is officially ending next week as she moves to another state for a new job closer to her parents. I am giving him space romantically to work through the end of his relationship with her, but being there to emotionally support him as best as I can in the capacity we have been interacting- extremely close friends. We acknowledge an attraction still between us but have kept that at bay other than the simple act of spending time together and giving a hug at the end of each time we're together. I expect that given our emotional closeness, things will eventually progress to the physical aspect again once he has had proper time to grieve his relationship with her. I won't be the one initiating it either. It will be his choice when he's ready.

In the mean time of all of this happening, I have dated around and had a few relationships in my months of dating. First a very physical, fun time with a sexy, young Armenian dentist... a more serious, passionate, and confusing relationship with a gorgeous engineer from Spain, and lastly, a fun, flirty, sporadically physical time with J (a sexy midwestern engineer with a wicked sense of humor) - whom I consider my tertiary. We both acknowledge it is more of a 'friends with benefits' relationship, but he is supportive of both my relationship with my husband and with M, and understands polyamory.

In the midst of all of this, my husband began a relationship with K- a very sweet poly woman whom he met on OKC. She the hinge of a V with JD (her husband) and R (boyfriend) and they all live together. My husband's relationship with K is largely emotional and has not become physical yet (beyond a few kisses), but I believe it likely will in 2015.

This is a totally revolutionary idea in our neck of the woods (aka: Bible belt America), so we are slowly picking and choosing who we 'come out of the closet' to.

Last edited by PolyRed; 01-16-2015 at 07:32 PM.
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  #437  
Old 01-16-2015, 08:06 PM
thirteenth thirteenth is offline
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I've always been interested in the idea of families of choice & communal living. I also see most things in shades of gray - gender, sexual orientation, age, intelligence, ability, etc.

That said, although I have never had a problem with the idea of poly relationships, I didn't expect to pursue one. Then I fell in love with a married, poly man, and the rest is history.

I think I lean towards mostly monogamy because I've never been in love with more than one person at a time. However, I'm not closed to the possibility.
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  #438  
Old 01-18-2015, 03:10 AM
Achocolatemouse Achocolatemouse is offline
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For me, it's a dream I've always held in my heart. I distinctly recall having this fantasy as a pre teen, just discovering what sexuality and relationships with people really was, where I lived in a huge opulent palace. And I lived with about a dozen other people.
Everybody wore beautiful, white, clingy semi-transparent clothes all the time and were always well groomed and beautiful. There were 3-4 girls, myself, and the rest were men, and everyone was beautiful, as folks in fantasies often are. And there were just rooms of various sized with beds and carpeting and pillows and everyone in the house would spend time together, but the intimate moments were always with 1-2 specific people and everyone had preferences... Nobody minded because there was lots of comfy space and the right number of people to make everyone happy.
Mostly (not always) the girls were just my friends, and each of the men my lovers, happy to love me and me happy to divide my time amongst them, and them happy to give up time with me to one another so everyone could be with me. If they couldn't be with me, they would simply go be with the other girls and that was also great and made me even happier. There was no jealousy in these fantasies, only love, joy, perhaps a wee bit of good natured-rivalry amongst the guys. Sometimes people would decide they wanted to not be part of the group anymore and we'd all throw them a party and see them off and cry a lot and be happy for them... Sometimes someone new would come and try to become part of the group and it became a consensus decision if they would be allowed or not across the whole group.

I had rather elaborate fantasies and felt quite ashamed for a long time for wanting that sort of relationship in my life because relationships were "supposed" to be about you have a guy and he has you and you own each other and you're not even supposed to THINK about other men or they'd get jealous and angry. That just wasn't possible for me and I felt bad.

It wasn't until many years later I discovered this concept as an alternative relationship structure (that there even COULD be relationships that aren't mono-het, since to me a relationship was defined as the love between one guy and one girl, that is what a relationship WAS to me) and realized that I really, really wanted it.
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  #439  
Old 01-18-2015, 03:18 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I think that's a lovely dream, and I hope that's the kind of polyamory you'll soon have. Sometimes it's not easy getting there!
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  #440  
Old 01-20-2015, 12:20 PM
wildchild wildchild is offline
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I really can't say I've always been polyamorous or had poly feelings. When I married my wife I really expected that to be 'it' for the rest of our lifes (or untill something would happen like growing apart, cheating, etc). Very monogamous-indoctrinated thinking I guess. I didn't know any better. Though we didn't get wedding rings because I don't believe in that 'now you belong to me' crap it symbolises (for me). And I have a very outspoken view on personal freedom (bordering on anarchy I guess). So the signs were there I guess.

My wife and me started swinging some years ago, just out of curiosity and for the experiment of it, which led to me getting to know my current girlfriend. I don't know if I am "standard poly". I can't say I am yearning for more relationships as of now, but I don't rule it out as well. The only thing I know is that I have experienced that it is possible for me to love more than 1, and that it's great to do so, and that is poly for me.
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