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  #391  
Old 04-18-2014, 06:21 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Deeper reasons? None of the suggested seemed to apply to me. Maybe my reason is that I tend to challenge things that are culturally taken for granted, like how to take care and raise a child or gender roles or… relationship styles. I like to learn about other cultures (both past and present) and that gives me a better understanding of all the things we take for granted. (Like when my ex-husbands therapist tried to make me feel guilty for not sleeping in the same bed. She honestly thought that a marriage wouldn't be a marriage if we didn't. But I was a very light sleeper and every tiny sound my ex-husband made kept me awake. Lycky me I knew that having a masters bedroom and sharing a bed with your spouse is just part of our culture, not a genetical requirement for our species.) So… along the same lines, one day I realised that having just one partner is cultural.

Another reason is that when I became mom and lost the rest of my ability to sleep, i really wished there would have been more adult hands in the housholds. I started to think that our cultures monogamous family type is very fucked up and the source of much suffering.

These are the intellectual reasons, the logical ones, the ones that are based on facts and reasoning. The emotional one is that I realized I have often loved many people at the same time, and that there really is nothing wrong with that.
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  #392  
Old 04-18-2014, 06:31 AM
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I can see how for people who identify as poly, being asked how they got that way is a much the same as asking someone who's gay how they got that way.

I don't identify as poly although if polyamory has a spectrum I probably sit somewhere in the middle, between poly and mono. When I was married I couldn't commit to my husband and played around (so did he). Therefore when I fell in love with a poly guy the idea of it didn't concern me. I thought I would just carry on the way I had been living, only honestly. What I didn't count on was that in a healthy loving relationship my desire for anyone but my partner dried up. His hasn't and this has caused some tribulations in our five year relationship.

I have tried poly relationships as a way to improve my acceptance and comfort in my partner's other relationships, but to date this hasn't helped, much. Recently he has started dating my sister and they have become very close. I'm wondering at this point if I have to stop loving my partner in such a mono way and so I'm giving poly a go again in an attempt to detach from him a little. I'm thinking that the way he needs to be loved and the way I love him are a little out of alignment.
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  #393  
Old 04-18-2014, 06:48 AM
sweetersong sweetersong is offline
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For us, we (or should I say I because at the moment he isn't interested in dating anyone else) got into Poly because of my sexuality. I am bisexual, I probably rate about 4 on the Kinsey scale (mainly homosexual but more than incidentially hetrosexual), I have no desire to leave my husband, I love him, but I do desire to date women , to find a woman I also feel that love for
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  #394  
Old 04-18-2014, 07:04 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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I definitely did have philosophical reasons for becoming poly, and maybe those could count as "deeper reasons", but the suggestions on the list were quite far away.

I was raised in a cult, with little or no basic human rights. The teachings of the cult are... out there, and I was told that this cult is the only one on this earth to know the truth. When it finally appeared to me that their truth is a lie... I started searching for something real and sustainable in my life.

I have found polyamory to be a very sustainable and genuine way to have relationships. I can be totally honest, live according to who I am and respect myself as well as be respected. I can give my partners the freedom to express themselves truthfully. So my deepest reason for being poly is the wish to live honestly and openly.
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  #395  
Old 04-18-2014, 07:23 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
Thanks for ridiculing me.

Some people don't like getting tied down. Why is this triggering your defenses?
Not sure why you're taking my comment personally when I was replying to Marcus. I wasn't ridiculing you, and it didn't trigger my defences. I don't use sarcasm as a defence mechanism, I use it when I'm LoLing.

In this case, I was LoLing at the concept that a person who doesn't like getting tied down would choose to form not one, but multiple loving, committed relationships concurrently.
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  #396  
Old 04-18-2014, 08:25 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
In this case, I was LoLing at the concept that a person who doesn't like getting tied down would choose to form not one, but multiple loving, committed relationships concurrently.
This always makes me laugh too. The notion that multiplying romantic relationships results in freedom is so far from my world view that it always makes me laugh.
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  #397  
Old 04-18-2014, 10:32 AM
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To be fair, though, some folks do make it sound like having multiple relationships (for their partner) makes it less of a burden on them.

http://ltasex.info/home/what-poly-pe...ips/2013/11/21

Some of the quotes here felt like, "When I get sick of being her boyfriend, he can come in and do the job." Like a tag-team wrestling match.

Maybe they meant that she could get the support of both partners, and it'd share the load a bit, but I read the quotes as more callous than loving, and articles like this are what help feed people's opinions.

The idea of "settling down" with "the one" also factors in, of course - if you're not dropping all partners but one, then you haven't "settled down" yet. Especially, I imagine, if you want to remain child-free. It doesn't follow the script.
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  #398  
Old 04-18-2014, 01:00 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
i'm sure there are infinite reasons for why, i just am interested in people that link a deeper dynamic to why.
Not to be a pain, but did you read the previous 30+ pages on this discussion prior to your re-asking the question? Also, this is an extremely common question and there are many topics on exactly this question (Golden Nuggets), not to mention the scores of personal stories in the Life Stories section.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
Thanks for ridiculing me.

Some people don't like getting tied down. Why is this triggering your defenses?
Seems like you may have a little tunnel vision spicytictac. The examples in your list are 80% emotional baggage from trauma, so again I say, I wonder how monogamous people would feel about being asked about how they chose to be monogamous due to PTSD from one of the broken life experiences you mentioned. Do you think most of them would raise an eyebrow at the suggestion?

Also consider that not everyone is in a rush to get their psychotherapy taken care of on an anonymous internet forum.
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  #399  
Old 04-18-2014, 01:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
The idea of "settling down" with "the one" also factors in, of course - if you're not dropping all partners but one, then you haven't "settled down" yet. Especially, I imagine, if you want to remain child-free. It doesn't follow the script.
It's difficult for people to empathize. Most of the break down in communication between mono and poly folk seems to be due to this factor. I have been asked a number of questions from monos where they are trying to get poly to make sense in their current relationship worldview and it just can't work. I get the mono mindset more or less because I live in a mono society and most of my relationships were monogam-ish, but mono folk frequently have a lot of difficulty being able to frame their curiosities in a way that is even an answerable question. Most of the time my response is something like "I don't live in a world where that question makes any sense" and try to explain the vast crevasse between our thought processes.

This idea of "settling down" with "the one" is monogamous in nature and trying to have the conversation on that ground is going to leave someone frustrated.

It's the same with the posters list of childhood motivations for being poly. It is a list which doesn't make any sense to me at all and is a question framed by a strictly monogamous worldview and basically unanswerable.
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  #400  
Old 04-18-2014, 02:43 PM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
i was afraid i would make people defensive that i'm implying poly's are just fuck ups. that's not at all my intention. that's not my belief.
That is, however, what your list of possible reasons implied heavily.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
i trauma bonded with a skateboard when i was 4. i have some preferences for what i want in life and i can trace many of those preferences back to certain events. not everyone can do that and that's fine.
Some people can, and choose not to. Knowing the origin of one's... idiosyncrasies doesn't necessarily help anything and can sometimes be harmful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
my husband can't explain to me why he loves horror movies and i get on his case about that.
And he doesn't get defensive about that? I would. Sometimes even if you know why you like something, you can't always articulate the words. Other times you may feel like giving an explanation will lead to judgement of said explanation -- not something a lot of people care to experience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
i strive to be an understanding person. one of my daughter's friends is transgendered and getting a sex op soon. i have lived in san francisco and olympia, wa during the early 90's when third wave feminism was in full effect. i'm trying to be real here.
Then perhaps you should try rephrasing your question into something a bit less loaded.
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