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  #381  
Old 04-17-2014, 03:36 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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I would love to be on the side for several people. I've been thinking that I should avoid primary style relationships for a while, until I've figured out some stuff on my own.

First I thought of anything polylike when I was married. I felt that things might work if my husband had another woman and he would just leave me alone. I never suggested anything, because I thought (and still think) he's mono wired.

After divorce I spent time thinking about my ideal relationships and decided that being secondary to several people would be ideal. So I ended up in a primery style theoretically polyamorous relationship :P And now I'm single again and finally working on making my dream come through. So I'm not sure if I'm really gotten into poly yet, or still working on it.

I do remember having very polyamorous thoughts way back before my marriage too. Having several crushes at the same time and not wanting to choose. My monoconditioned solution: ignore all of them :P
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  #382  
Old 04-17-2014, 05:47 PM
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moon1336 moon1336 is offline
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Because I desire more than one lover.
I believe you can be in love with two people.
If it feels right, and nobody getting hurt, why not?
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  #383  
Old 04-17-2014, 11:09 PM
spicytictac spicytictac is offline
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Default deeper reasons why you are poly??

i'm very curious what makes people poly. i've never had a poly friend and am very interested in relationships and what makes people tick.

does anyone trace being poly back to
experiences from childhood.

family dynamics

fear of never being enough

boredom

witnessing cheating parents

fear of abandonment

having lots of siblings, sharing parental love and liking the chaos of a family

liking the endorphin rush of jealousy

working out jealousy dynamics regarding siblings

needing constant stimulation

needing to be perceived as alternative to avoid vanilla status quo

drama addiction

commitment phobia


wanting total freedom and wanting others to have total freedom

liking to live on the edge

i was always an alternative kid and i get upset with myself when i can't catch on to alternative paths. i struggle to understand because i like to come from a place of openness and understanding and celebrate the miracle we are all so unique.

as an only child, never sharing my parents' love and a firstborn who was doted on as a first grandchild, i wonder if this has prepped me to never tolerate sharing. i would be livid out of my mind jealous if my husband wanted a girlfriend. if he wanted someone other than myself, i would just back out and move on to a new relationship. i'm kind of bummed out i can't be more wild and free.

my daughter is 17 and growing up in a very changing world. i'm trying to help her be open minded and comfortable with differences but also to stay grounded in who she is. her bf cheated on her with a girl who was 4 years older and he had a secret bdsm relationship with this girl which we were witnessing through this girl's tumblr. she was posting pics of her bruises, talking about being strangled and talking about how she was being hogtied, etc. it was kind of intense for my daughter who was like 15 at the time. i know that stuff is more for a bdsm forum, but i'm here and trying to babystep.

her ex had a very unusual family structure and he may be working out issues of his own mother's cheating on his father. it happened a few years ago but continues to cause some pain as the girl he cheated with just had an interview posted in which she talked about her sexcapades with my daughter's ex.

it was upsetting, but the thing we were most hurt by was the lying and that he put her at std/aids risk.

anyway, i have been launched into an almost obsession with personality types and alternative relationships and would really appreciate honest soul searching for the steps that led you on the polyamorous path.

thank you
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  #384  
Old 04-17-2014, 11:14 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It seems like most your "deeper reasons" are basically "Why are you fucked up and what made your fucked up self choose poly to avoid dealing with being fucked up?"

I don't have any deeper reasons for being poly. I choose to have poly relationships because I can. I'm wired to be capable of it, as in I don't grow automatic blinders for other people whenever I'm in a relationship, and I choose not to limit my options based on societal dictates.

I guess the one that comes closest to that from your list is "wanting total freedom and wanting others to have total freedom." I think everyone should do what they want, provided it doesn't harm anyone.
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  #385  
Old 04-17-2014, 11:38 PM
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I think that for some people it is simply who they are and as such the roots are untraceable. For others I think it could have links in the past. My partner was raised by an overworked and probably emotionally vacant mother and an older sister who was more nurturing of him. His sister left home to get married when he was five and he felt her loss significantly. There were no other siblings and very few males around. Could this be why he relates so much better to women and why he only feels truly secure when there are two women in his life? I think perhaps it has something to do with it.

Sage
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  #386  
Old 04-17-2014, 11:51 PM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
i'm very curious what makes people poly. i've never had a poly friend and am very interested in relationships and what makes people tick.
does anyone trace being poly back to
experiences from childhood.
Define "childhood". In my adolescence, I dated two boys together mostly to avoid deciding between the two of them. On the plus side, much was learned. I also read SF/F pretty consistently.

I don't think there's going to be any thing that makes people poly, anymore than outside influences make people gay or bisexual. Events might spark off revelations that poly is an available option, so might be reading material.

Regarding that long ago youthful triad -- one of those boys now identifies as a trans woman, or did when we last communicated. One of those boys now identifies as gay. Neither, as best I can tell, continued on the poly path. I required a poly clause before committing to my marriage, though I hadn't had anything other than mono relationships in the meantime. (And I'm now happy I did, given present circumstances. Keeping my word means a lot to me.)
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  #387  
Old 04-18-2014, 03:15 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicytictac View Post
does anyone trace being poly back to
experiences from childhood.
All personality traits are a mixture of genetic layout and life experiences. Some people are possessive while others are encouraging, some are envious while others are supportive, some are introverted while others are extroverted. Some people are happy in polyamory and some are happy in monogamy. It's just one personality type or another.

Most personality traits don't have an exact catalyst, they exist because of the aggregate experiences of a lifetime.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It seems like most your "deeper reasons" are basically "Why are you fucked up and what made your fucked up self choose poly to avoid dealing with being fucked up?"
I wonder how many monogamous people would be pleased to be asked if they became monogamous due to PTSD, as this poster seems to be implying.

Whenever I see "are you polyamorous because you have a fear of commitment" I can't help but laugh and facepalm.
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  #388  
Old 04-18-2014, 04:07 AM
spicytictac spicytictac is offline
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i was afraid i would make people defensive that i'm implying poly's are just fuck ups. that's not at all my intention. that's not my belief. i am all for people that know themselves and what they're into and can be honest with others. i know some people can push deeper though, and that's what i'm looking for. polyamory is very unique and i want to understand it more fully.
i'm sure there are infinite reasons for why, i just am interested in people that link a deeper dynamic to why.

i trauma bonded with a skateboard when i was 4. i have some preferences for what i want in life and i can trace many of those preferences back to certain events. not everyone can do that and that's fine.

my husband can't explain to me why he loves horror movies and i get on his case about that. i like horror also but i can explain why. some people can trace their origins for preferences and that's interesting to me. i like to know why i am the way i am.

i find sage's deeper response tender and compelling. her response gave me such a feeling of compassion and understanding. that's what i was hoping for.

i strive to be an understanding person. one of my daughter's friends is transgendered and getting a sex op soon. i have lived in san francisco and olympia, wa during the early 90's when third wave feminism was in full effect. i'm trying to be real here.
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  #389  
Old 04-18-2014, 05:13 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Whenever I see "are you polyamorous because you have a fear of commitment" I can't help but laugh and facepalm.
OMG no kidding.

Yes. Yes, I'm afraid to commit. That's why I chose to commit to not one, but two people. You know, face your fears?
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  #390  
Old 04-18-2014, 06:02 AM
spicytictac spicytictac is offline
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Thanks for ridiculing me.

Some people don't like getting tied down. Why is this triggering your defenses?
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