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View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 10 17.24%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 20 34.48%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 3 5.17%
Other 25 43.10%
Voters: 58. You may not vote on this poll

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  #371  
Old 04-11-2014, 10:24 PM
Sphynx Sphynx is offline
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I do remember writing it in a book, (based on ball jointed dolls I own-faeries specifically) I didn't know what it was called, but it eventually was made that their entire culture was intertwined with it. Originally I just thought I was nuts for wanting something like that, then I found it had a name and more at ease with my desire.
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  #372  
Old 04-11-2014, 11:29 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from HazelEyes):
Quote:
"Hmmm ... I suppose I feel that way as a result of feeling guilty that I want something that saddens my husband. So it seems like I need a 'good reason' to insist upon trying a different lifestyle together."
I suppose that by "good reason," you mean a reason that would *feel* good enough to you (when weighed against how the idea of poly seems to affect your husband, and against how it might affect your marriage). I don't suppose I could trick you into answering your own question by asking you, What are some examples of reasons that you would consider to be "good enough?"

Can you describe why you feel that polyamory would make you happy? What is it that makes you feel drawn towards polyamory?

Re (from Post #357):
Quote:
"If all I have is my monogamous marriage, then how would I distinguish whether my vague sense of dissatisfaction is related to monogamy, or to this marriage?"
Indeed, how would you distinguish whether this vague sense of dissatisfaction is related to either? How do you know it's not about changing careers, going back to school, getting more involved in political causes or local charities, or even stamp collecting? How have you narrowed the dissatisfaction down to just two things -- the monogamous marriage or monogamy itself? There's all kinds of other things you could be dissatisfied about, aren't there?

When they say your original relationship should be on sound footing before venturing into polyamory, I think maybe what they're getting at is that polyamory isn't something you're pushed toward by a negative emotion (e.g. dissatisfaction with your current life). Rather, it's something you're pulled towards by a positive emotion (e.g. enthusiasm about a chance to find more love in the world). Are you being pushed away from monogamy by a negative emotion, or pulled toward polyamory by a positive emotion? and it could be both, but the positive emotion is probably where you'll find your "good reason."

You see, I don't think monogamy is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe (at least in some cases) it's a perfectly good thing. It's just that polyamory is also a good thing, and that's the perception that popular tradition is fighting against (sometimes fighting within our own minds).

From reading your posts so far, I get the impression that you need to talk more about this with your husband before you can solidify in your own mind just how important it is to you to live polyamorously -- and why it's that important. You may ask, "Why do we (I and others) want to be polyamorous?" and I have my own answers but first I want to ask, "Why do *you* want to be polyamorous?" It's an important question that only you can answer.
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  #373  
Old 04-12-2014, 12:26 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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My first experiences with polyamory were in early college years as a way to explore my bisexuality. I knew I wasn't gay, so it didn't occur to me not to date men, but I also wanted relations with women. Some threesomes happened, and I found I really liked them. I dropped out of college after sophomore year and moved to NYC in the early '90's. My friends and I were "club kids" who did a lot of ecstasy and had a lot of orgies. I was at the center of a group of friends/lovers we all had relationships with each other in varying degrees of FWB to love. We didn't have a word for it.

I didn't even hear the word "polyamorous" until about a year and a half ago. I met the woman who would catapult me out of my married monogamy. She told me she was polyamorous, I had to Google it, and the rest is his(her)story.
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  #374  
Old 04-15-2014, 02:28 AM
DaCoda DaCoda is offline
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Im super new to the idea so my reply might be fun to have in line with all these veterans and mid range members. This is my take on the story, Sydney's may be different.

When I met Sydney she was my 3rd real "girlfriend" we were 17-18. I am older. We went two years like this, and then I broke up with her. We had some differences, got back together a little bit later, and stayed that way. While appart I played with the idea of being with another woman, and when we got together I did not want to no play around with that idea. So, I suggested we date around and date each other. She did not like the idea.

Fast forward a bit later and she learns that she fancys girls some too. So, I caught a friend watching her and encouraged them to spend some time togheter. Now she had a connundrum, and for a while just ignored her girl fancying and we were monogamous.

Then we contonute to grow as a couple and one day we decide to just do it. I mean, it was like a lightning bolt. One day monogamous, the next poly. At this point we were kinda rocky as a relationship, really fighting to be honest with one another, and had added an hour of distance. That made me worry that we were doing this to just not "lose" each other. However, the more we talk about it the more free and at peace we feel by the decision.

As we became honest we both admitted ongoing communication with people we liked romantically, and we realized that the only thing keeping us from being able to love nad be loved freely was our own culture, fear, and ignorance. Now I feel much better. I think the decision helped a lot of aspects of my emotions and character besides just my relationships with women. Finally being honest and living the way we want is very liberating.

Sorry to ramble

Cheers
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  #375  
Old 04-15-2014, 03:58 AM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jearith View Post
Good Evening Everyone,
I was just curious about how you came across the ideas or concepts with in polyamory? And why/how you chose to make those Ideals your own (or why you choose not to)?
I
I was young and stupid (being 14-15 years old at the time). Two boys liked me at the same time. I was indecisive, so rather than making a choice between the two, I proposed a triad. Really should've been a V, but that idea hadn't occurred to me at the time. Even that may not have kept the polyship together, but in any case, it was a learning experience.

It was a solution to a problem, and I don't think I came up with it fully independently, considering I read SF/F. _The Moon is a Harsh Mistress_ was certainly an influence -- I love the idea of a working line-marriage. Parke Godwin's _The Last Rainbow_ also was a favorite read at the time, and it depicted a polyandrous Picti society (with relationship difficulties, even, much less idealized than Heinlein).

That polyship did not work out, but I'd say it is a rare early relationship of any configuration that does. Ultimately I dated each boy serially monogamously, and each relationship broke up individually, too.
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  #376  
Old 04-15-2014, 04:11 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I started dating someone who was poly and I valued the relationship enough to try it. Since we were both single, it wasn't much different than dating multiple people at the same time and being cool with the person you're dating doing the same.

Now that there's more of a history and a commitment, I've chosen to stick with things and change my comfort zone regarding monogamy.
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  #377  
Old 04-16-2014, 01:45 PM
andrewwitherspoon andrewwitherspoon is offline
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My wife and I have been married for 9 years and our relationship was getting a little stale. We talked about it an found out that we both felt restricted and wanted the option date and have a serious relationship with other people. We sat down came up with plan and rules, like only having one side relationship at a time and no making children. Then we the chance arose and we met people to our liking we started to date that person.
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  #378  
Old 04-16-2014, 04:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andrewwitherspoon View Post
. . . We sat down came up with plan and rules, like only having one side relationship at a time . . .
Unfortunately, for most people in "side" relationships, they are not on the side at all, because any loving relationship is an important part or a central feature of someone's life. It's a shame that these human beings who have needs, desires, and issues of their own are just thought of as something on the side - as if you and your spouse are more important than anyone else.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #379  
Old 04-16-2014, 10:07 PM
jayt jayt is offline
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hmm,... being a person who's gender self-awareness changes and with it desire and orientation changes. So, monogamy to just a male partner can not meet the needs... I am still looking and waiting for a woman who could be happy with me.
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  #380  
Old 04-17-2014, 02:36 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Unfortunately, for most people in "side" relationships, they are not on the side at all, because any loving relationship is an important part or a central feature of someone's life. It's a shame that these human beings who have needs, desires, and issues of their own are just thought of as something on the side - as if you and your spouse are more important than anyone else.
Cindie,

I'm right there with you on the couple-centric priority here. It can be myopic and self-centered. You've got a lot more history talking about this stuff than I do. That said, if these "side" people know and enthusiastically accept this relationship as ok/healthy/all they want for them, shouldn't that be ok? I can imagine that some people might say "I'm not looking for more than a casual thing and being lesser in priority than your husband is fine for me."

Or am I off base?
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