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View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 20 11.76%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 58 34.12%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 22 12.94%
I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me 17 10.00%
Other 53 31.18%
Voters: 170. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-23-2013, 11:04 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Athens, AL
Posts: 24

While my wife and I haven't had any poly experiences yet, I'd have to say the reason I'm poly, or want to practice poly, is that I continue to have this burning desire to meet other women, date them, get to know them, make love to them, do things with them, etc, etc. And when I say burning, I mean a 4 alarm fire. I don't understand it...I guess it's just part of my "put together".
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:43 PM
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drinnt drinnt is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 58
Default Sounds familiar

Hey OP, this is me: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56025

6 months into what started out of swinging we find is very much a quad relationship.

It's a LOT of work and the benefits are TENfold if not more what the work can be. Much of the work I find now has been struggling AGAINST what this is. We are just now leaning in to the flow and starting on the path to treat it just exactly as it is. A quad relationship that needs maintenance. To quote my girlfriend, "it's miraculous enough to find ONE person we can manage a marriage with, now I have THREE people's emotions to manage???"

I wouldn't trade it for anything. My wife comes first and is my primary, as my girlfriend is the primary of her husband...but those lines sure can blur up fast when we're together and the good times roll.

I for one NEVER thought I would ever be poly...and yet, here I am. I never thought I would be a Dom either...but my girlfriend exposed that side of me to her sub side so hey...live, love and GROW!

You pose the question to yourself...or you wonder out loud...if you would ever do it again. I think having seen the "light" on the subject matter in practice in my life, I do believe I would...though I hope I never have to because I absolutely ADORE my wife and my girlfriend!!!!!
J - my wife & partner since 2000
D - R's wife & my unfortunately ex-girlfriend :-(
R - D's soon to be ex-husband & J's boyfriend
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:46 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Posts: 895

Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post
But on the other hand, it is SO complex to manage a quad relationship and all of the individual relationships within that quad. ...I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?

Please convince me again that this is all incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and all worth it. lol
I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship that's that hard and complex at all. Poly or monogamous. Relationships should bring joy and help us grow and become better people, not be a source of anxiety.
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Old 09-20-2013, 10:42 PM
sleepygirl sleepygirl is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 23

Choose. Tough and interesting word, as everyone here seems to have tackled that part of the original post.

Did I choose? Yes and no.

No, in that, when K first came into my life, I was blown away by her presence. I didn't choose to fall in love with her. I had been happily monogamous with my husband for a long time. It just happened. The first time she kissed me, I got lost in it. And then immediately afterwards said "Ooooh. That was bad." Some part of me knew, at that moment, that formative choices were to come.

Yes, in that, I chose to listen to my own thoughts and feelings, I chose to embrace them for what they were and not deny or run away from them, I chose to be honest and share them with my husband even though it was scary and I was unsure of his reaction, and I chose being authentically me, instead of trying to smash myself into a societal mold that I did not fit.

Now that she is gone, I miss her. I love her and if she wanted to come home, my door and my arms would probably be open. I wish we'd had a different experience. Some of what I know now would have changed how things happened, perhaps. However, I am aware that is a simplification of a difficult situation, where none of us were prepared for the depth of feeling involved.

It can be crazy and emotional and stressful at times, but there is much goodness too. I think it outweighs the challenges, and I would say I am a better person for choosing to be my authentic self.
Women and cats will do what they want, men and dogs will have to get used to it. ~~ Heinlein
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Old 09-26-2013, 09:57 PM
1of4 1of4 is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Speak for yourself.

There are plenty of peeps here who do not view polyamory as something we are, but just a way we choose to live. To us, it's a practice, an approach, a structure, not an identity or "wiring" (stupid term). The fact that you feel it is what you are only reflects how YOU feel about it, but you cannot speak for all.

In addition, even if one is the type who feels it is an identity and the way one is, doesn't automatically catapult one into multiple relationships. You can see yourself as a poly person and still live monogamously or have no relationships at all. There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.
Thanks so much for all the responses to my original question. I've come back periodically to read them and have to say that this response from Nycindie hits closest to what I was trying to say. I've thought a lot about this and in the end I don't "identify" as poly, rather I have come to recognize that I have the capacity to love in a polyamorous way.

I was very fulfilled in my monogamous relationship for well over 20 years. I never felt like anything was missing and I never actually considered that I may even want an additional love relationship. But it happened. I fell hard for another person, it came to a point where it was absolutely undeniable, and now I'm in a very fulfilling polyamorous relationship. In that, perhaps, I didn't have a choice. Love happens, and when it does it is amazing and beautiful, and I wouldn't change a single thing about the experience I've had.

But, if the relationship ended tomorrow (which would be horrible!), I wouldn't go out and seek another partner because I "am" poly or even just because I know I have the "capacity" to love more than one. If it happened again that I fell for someone else, it would happen. But I wouldn't actually seek it. As I said, I was fulfilled in my mono relationship with my husband before, and I expect I would be fulfilled and happy in that relationship in the future as well. I like to think that even if I were single I would be fulfilled. I think in part my question came from having read a lot of posts from people who are single or in relationships already and were actively seeking new additional relationships. Nothing wrong with that at all. That is what they want and that is great for them. I guess I was just curious and trying to use the information to help me make sense of and process my own experience.

Yes, I know in my original post I talked about the relationship being hard and being work. In retrospect, those were probably the wrong words. It *is* work, but it is *good* work as I have learned so much about myself from doing it, and have grown personally in some incredible ways. But the reality is that I've had to face deeply rooted insecurities and fears and the process of doing that can be challenging, even if the ultimate outcome is good. So I guess that is what I meant by that.

I hope all that makes sense. This is all still a journey for me and I am still learning and growing from it, and my understanding of it all is still evolving.

Thanks again to everyone for the thoughtful responses.
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Old 09-30-2013, 06:31 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 360

Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post
This is kind of a weird question, but having finally come to accept that I'm polyamorous (it came at me unexpectedly and almost accidentally)... and as a practicing poly person who is just this week celebrating two years in a quad relationship (we are two married, heterosexual couples who "fell for" each other kind of by accident), I sometimes wonder why anyone would actively seek this lifestyle out.

Don't misunderstand. I completely love my husband of 20+ years. I also love my husband's girlfriend (in a sisterly type of way) and yes, my boyfriend too. The four of us have so much fun and so many adventures together and I get so much joy from our relationship that sometimes I feel like I will burst with happiness. And at this point I would no sooner give up my boyfriend or our quad relationship than I would willing give up a limb.

But on the other hand, it is SO complex to manage a quad relationship and all of the individual relationships within that quad. Sometimes, I struggle really hard with issues of jealousy and insecurity--emotions that I had never really felt before our quad...or at least not this intensely. And sometimes I still get really sad about being in the closet, and frustrated that none of us will ever really be able to be open about what we mean to each other. Sometimes I even get terrified that I have risked what was an incredibly strong marriage when we started out (and still is), but could be somehow hurt by opening it up like this to other relationships.

We are in the middle of moving closer to each other...just a few miles away. Maybe I'm just getting cold feet and am feeling anxious due to that.

But, I can't help wondering. Why poly? I didn't choose poly. Poly chose me. And if our quad relationship ended tomorrow (which would be horrible!!), I don't know that I would seek a relationship like this again. I guess I'm saying that even though I might be poly, I would choose not to practice poly. Maybe.

I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?

Please convince me again that this is all incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and all worth it. lol
*chuckle* Complex?~

Me personally, I do not call myself any label nor do I say I am living a "lifestyle", every one has their own "life" and their own "style" of living it.~

I am not monogamous.~ Why? I see no reason to try to limit myself to loving only 1 person my entire life, I don't believe you can control love and when it happens, you can only try to suppress it within yourself and lie to yourself and every one around you, indeed I have fallen in love more than once it just comes naturally to me and I feel no guilt or 'shame' over any of doing so.~ I have yet to have some one love me back in the way that I love them: without holding back.~ If some one were to love me, they would love me completely and purely without any of us holding back.~ I would be overwhelmed with joy if that were ever to happen.~

I am here because I find like-minded people who just so happen to be incredibly nice.~

Last edited by ColorsWolf; 09-30-2013 at 06:37 AM.
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Old 12-01-2013, 01:08 AM
cpgermanicus cpgermanicus is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Default How did you find out you were Poly/get started

Hi everybody,

Purely informational: how did you find out you were poly/get involved with it?
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Old 12-01-2013, 01:27 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

I knew I was poly before I knew there was a word for it. As a child, I believed I would never get married, because that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and that sounded absolutely dreadful.

When I got older and learned there was this thing called polyamory, and that I could have my cake and eat it too, I jumped on board and haven't looked back.

Thanks, internet!
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:03 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Location: Portland, OR
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There are a few other threads with this general topic. Try using the search if you want to do a bit of reading on it.

For example:

Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:27 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Posts: 757

While my parents were not successful with poly long term, they were adherents. I was brought up to believe it was completely acceptable to love more than one. My first long term relationship was a polyfi vee, and I adored my co-wife. It ended when our hinge died - but she and I are still close.

I would say my only downfall to security is finding others who are like-minded. I find that I don't understand jealousy and am often confused by those who feel it.
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