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  #321  
Old 07-05-2013, 01:37 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Jac View Post
I've only recently found that I am polyamorous and I have a lot of questions, if anyone can lend me some advice.

Most importantly, I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that saw its first year only a month ago. How do I tell him? I don't want him to feel as if there is something wrong with him or as if he doesn't satisfy me, which is partially my fear of what will happen. I've just come to realize that I'm not happy with just one partner. I mean, I am for a time but then I feel as if I want more. My boyfriend makes me happy but I need more, how do I convey this effectively?

For right now, that's the most important question for me and I'm sort of freaking out.. I love him and I want to be with him, but I also need to concern myself with me. Thanks in advance..
A couple of important things to remember:

1. Be honest. What you have written here is a great starting point
2. Be kind. Your partner might have some difficulty and take some time to be constructive about what you are saying. Give them a break and let them work through their process.
3. Be informed. For me, I would want to know what I am actually proposing. Read through these forums, check out some articles on non-monogamy, get an idea of what you are hoping for. Note: I am not telling you that you should hit him with this stuff... just have some answers in case he has some questions.

This will hopefully take several conversations so don't expect there to be some great revelation when you bring this up.
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  #322  
Old 07-05-2013, 06:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Jac View Post
I've only recently found that I am polyamorous . . .
This statement always cracks me up whenever I see it. I imagine someone looking down and discovering their bellybutton for the first time. "Hey! Where'd that come from?! I'm poly!" LOL.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jac View Post
How do I tell him? I don't want him to feel as if there is something wrong with him or as if he doesn't satisfy me, which is partially my fear of what will happen. I've just come to realize that I'm not happy with just one partner. I mean, I am for a time but then I feel as if I want more. My boyfriend makes me happy but I need more, how do I convey this effectively?
Happiness is an inside job. Why are you unhappy? How are you so sure it is an additional partner that you need or want in order to be happy? Maybe the relationship you have is not satisfactory in some ways you can't quite grasp, but we really cannot depend on our relationships to make us happy. You "want more" for your life, but it might not be more people you need to feel you have enough! It would behoove you to do some inner work and get to really know yourself very well, in order to find out where the unhappiness is coming from. Because no number of relationships can make us happy - it's up to us to bring our happiness and self-satisfaction to our relationships.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2013 at 06:40 PM.
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  #323  
Old 07-05-2013, 08:59 PM
PaulDrakket PaulDrakket is offline
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It's awesome to hear self-discovery stories; they make me all warm inside.

Anyway, pretty much what Marcus said. Honest and open communication, respect, patience, etc. He might not stick around, and that's a possibility you should probably put some thought into preparing yourself for. Coming out poly is rarely easy, especially in your situation, and I wish you the best of luck. May things go your way in the future.
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  #324  
Old 08-06-2013, 03:03 AM
NowIKnow NowIKnow is offline
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Default How did everyone find out they were Poly?

My apologies up front. I'm sure this question has been posted several times but felt the need to explain how I arrived here and seek advice on how I deal with all this.

So, as the name I chose implies, now I know, as in now I know why I've had these feelings all my life. However, I did not find out that I'm Poly until after I married someone, someone that I love dearly, that does not agree with the lifestyle.

I've always have had female friends. The overwhelming majority I never had any sexual relationship with not that I wasn't attracted to them, I just never pushed the issue after sensing they were not interested in going down that path. I was just happy to spend time with them.

I knew I wasn't gay, not that there is anything wrong with being so but just clarifying. I fantasized about these women but never pursued the fantasy.

Now, here I am at 47, married to my wife of 8 years that I feel in love with when I was 19 and was finally able to have the relationship I wanted with her and in a state of depression because I consider another woman my best friend and I see the heartache it causes my wife.

I am attracted to this woman but I know she only considers me a friend and I yet again have not pursued anything based not only on that fact but I don't want to break the vow I gave my wife when we got married...yet, I feel in my heart I already have.

It was hard but I explained my discovery to my wife and told her, "I didn't know!" It was reading Robert A. Heinlein's books, several of them and several times before it sank in that I was polyamorous.

Not looking for a single answer here but is there anyone out there that found out while they were married to someone they loved but didn't agree with the "lifestyle"?

I could go on and on but I'll stop for now.
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  #325  
Old 08-06-2013, 03:21 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome to the forum!
I have never been married, but I did engage in strictly monogamous relationships all of my life. I was about 53 when I began to identify as polyamorous.

I don't see myself ever going back.

I am currently dating 2 married couples. One couple has been together for 35 years and the other one for 30 years. I am also dating a guy that has been married for 37 years. I know his wife and she approves of him having me in his life, but it has taken many years of patience and time for me to earn her trust and show her that I am not a threat to their marriage.

In my opinion, this lifestyle requires a great amount of emotional maturity. When I entered the lifestyle, it was with a confidence that I have the emotional maturity that is required and although I have had some emotional challenges- I have remained true to my values and personal ethics.

I hope you get lots of feedback from others in your situation. I know there are plenty of people here who have been in your shoes!
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  #326  
Old 08-06-2013, 03:38 AM
Ltmusicdude Ltmusicdude is offline
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I was dating someone and about two months in she asked me if I was ok with an open relationship.
I didn't really know what she meant but soon I learned all about polyamory and it made me rather jealous at first.
The thing that switched me over was seeing how happy he made here when we hung out. You just have to understand that love shouldn't be quantified and then you start to really get polyamory.
Now I will be living with them soon and I couldn't be happier. Long story short if the person truly cares about you then they will accept you for what you are.
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  #327  
Old 08-06-2013, 12:18 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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My wife and I have always been open. We were a couple who enjoyed threesome. We fell in love and had to deal with both the awareness we could love more than one and the fact that the girl we loved would never love use back.
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  #328  
Old 08-06-2013, 06:35 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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growing up, it just grew within me.

first something i just accepted could be possible, then an idea i played with but didn't think that was seriously what i would be after in my life. from there it got stronger till i knew it was something i was after. now it's something i know i can't live without.

as things were progressing i had no idea what was out there. grew up with the standard views of "monogamy is the way things are don't you know?" so as a child growing up i never questioned that there could be another way.

no one showed me or told me, or introduced me, or guided me. by the time i knew this was something serious with me is when i started looking it up. the most confusing part was figuring what 'polyamory" meant
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  #329  
Old 08-06-2013, 06:59 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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My girlfriends and I shared guys as teenagers. I use to imagine my bff and I being neighbors and having the same man lol
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  #330  
Old 08-08-2013, 11:24 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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When I was 53, I met a young woman in her 30's and she told me about poly. It was the first time I had ever heard the word. That was in November 09 and by May 2010 I was active in the lifestyle.

The reason poly works for me is because I get to do poly and work it in a way that is comfortable for me. I love relationships ......and lots of them. But- I don't really care to see someone every day. I don't mind talking to my SO every day, but I'd prefer not to have to see someone or a group of people every day. Seeing people too often spoils the connection I have with them- that's just me. And it can make me feel trapped.

I also don't want to feel obligated that I have to be with someone or a group of people every weekend.

I like variety and change. I will always cycle back to each of my lovers and I like it to happen naturally.
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