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View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 20 11.17%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 62 34.64%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 22 12.29%
I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me 18 10.06%
Other 57 31.84%
Voters: 179. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 06-14-2013, 09:46 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 261

Simple answer: I would never do mono.

Monogamy sounds like an artificial, arbitrary limitation that I don't agree with and do not understand. I prefer both my own autonomy and independence, as well as that of my partner(s), free from such limitations.

Plus, more practically: If a partner desires genital sex, a mono ship with me would mean involuntary celibacy on them, as there's no way they'll be getting that sex from me; and imposing in-cel on someone sounds a cruel and loveless thing to do. Thus, poly and/or open agreements are the key to making me "partner-compatible" with a whole lot more of people in the first place, whose sexual desires would simply take us off each other's list of potential mates otherwise.
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Old 06-14-2013, 11:27 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 106
Default ok poly forever lol

Ok so We are in a quad as well. Went from swinging to falling in love. The quad is now coming up to our 5th anniversary.

BTW I do have a totally loving quad. I am active with all 3 of my partners in the Quad as is the other 3 with each other.

This has been a fantastic week in our quad. I have made love to my ladies a number of times this week, sometimes together and sometimes apart.

My BF and i went on a date to a club, where you can rents rooms or use the hot tub or the group room etc, this was a lot of fun. He now talks about us going on a date, that is a first.

Last night we ended up with a sleepover, this is relatively new for us, as my bf doesn't like sleepovers so much on a weeknight.. What i showed him this morning is that just because i have to go to work doesn't mean the other 3 have to get up.

we live 900 meters apart. we also moved closer together so we could be.

Again would i ever give up poly, absolutely not, sure its work but the rewards pay far more than the work. It cannot be more beautiful that i am loved by my wife, my gf, and my bf.

And if we ever split up it would be extremely hard.
Me bisexual married to D.
in a relationship with L and G all in a full fourple
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,525

I am polyamorous and have always been so, but didn't have a term for it until about 1999. I was born in 1955, so do the math.

I lived mono for approx 30 years, as one is supposed to do. I was more or less miserable, romance-wise, all those years, tho the h was a great guy in many ways. (We tried poly in 1999-2000 but gave it up, it was too hard given our former dynamics.)

I always had a roving eye, always got crushes on friends, neighbors, even celebrities. And h was always jealous. Even of the celebrities!

Once we finally separated, I damn well went looking for lovers! I didn't and don't have time to just let them find me, wasn't very likely in my circle of mono, married, hetero friends. I went looking on ok cupid, found a gf, kept dating, had lots of fun, tons of laughs and romance and sex with lots of not quite right people, finally found a real bf over a year ago and have not regretted a thing.

The 3 of us are in a V, me as hinge. We do not struggle with jealousy or time management in more than a fleeting way. Things are usually settled with an hour's conversation, if even that. Mostly we just live and love and get on with our lives. (We're all pretty good at stating our needs and desires and being honest and forthright and using I statements, and we aren't needy clingy, we all like alone time.)

And I am super happy! Took me long enough to become the authentic Magdlyn.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Kahlo (poly-curious, M, 45) my bf since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:08 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 203

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Dealing with emotions as an adult are tough. I know I didn't get a lot of practice growing up since I was raised to be a whiny and entitled American just like everyone else around me was. Learning to deal with my own emotions continues to be a struggle at times.
The fact that you can observe yourself dispassionately bodes well for your chances of creating a successful strategy for this. I have met very few 'whiny and entitled Americans' who have even the remotest clue that that is how they behave.

I take my hat off to you!
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
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Old 06-16-2013, 05:00 AM
Maleficent Maleficent is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 45

It's not a choice I meant to make, that's for sure.

I was happily monogamous with my husband for 13 years before I met my girlfriend. Truly happy. And truly monogamous. I met her and things went a bit nuts for me. We were inseparable in an instant. I figured I had a new best friend. But it felt like more. I wanted to spend all my time with her. Wanted to go out of my way to make her happy. I wanted to hold her hand. To touch her.

My husband was the one who told me I was in love with her. Maybe I was in some heavy denial or maybe I was scared of being disloyal to my husband but I didn't notice it. I cried. I was terrified. But I couldn't stop. I was compleatly in love. He was the one who said it was ok, and told me to see if she and I could make something work.

So I'm poly.

Would I do it again? Only with them. The loves of my life. Will there be more? I really hope not. I've got my hands full with these two.
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Old 06-16-2013, 06:33 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 528

I did choose polyamory on a theoretical level first, it just made more sense to me than monogamy. My initial thought was that I would not want to deny my partners any possible sexual encounters that they might run into, and not so much of me having several partners myself.

My first ever relationship was open for outside sex or relationships but they really never occurred. After that I have been more actively looking for other partners even after finding one. At the moment am not looking for more, my two loves are enough - though am open for "metamour with benefits" -arrangement if my husband finds someone special and that is what everyone wants.

Would I change it? No, absolutely not. This is the happiest I have ever been, and to me the work keeping up all the relationships is not that difficult. Of course there is work to be done, and I have had to learn to listen better to my partners when they state their needs and emotions, but all of that is manageable. For me the extra work with the relationships is a challenge that makes life so much more fulfilling - when the problems get solved, that is. And they tend to get solved in our lives.
sharing my everyday life with
CJ: legal husband and
Mark: partner
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:42 AM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 49

I am poly because I believe there is no one person in the world who can fulfill all of your needs. I have enough love to give, and just want to see my partner happy. I also understand that I cannot be everything to any one person either.

It has been really hard sometimes. However, I feel when you love someone, you don't impinge on their happiness because of your insecurities. I believe a strong group can bring a lot of happiness and support to one another and help each other grow as people.

Yes you can have friends to fill some of these roles. It simply isn't the same as one who knows you inside and out and still wants to be with you. Still wants to spend their time with you and go to bed with you at night and smiles waking up with you the next day. I don't feel that love is a finite resource and that it shouldn't be withheld when it occurs naturally.
LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:26 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 145

Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post

I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?
Curious why you, knowing you yourself didn't choose, think anyone else "chooses" to be poly?

It's just something we are. Trust me, there are times I wish I wasn't poly, too. But most of the time, I love being myself. I love that I have the capacity to love many people, to be loved by many, and to feel joyful, not jealous, in their love for others.

There is nothing sweeter for me than seeing my love kiss a woman who we both feel affection towards....And hoping that, just maybe, she learns to love both of us the way we love each other. And that we learn to love her in return.
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Curious why you, knowing you yourself didn't choose, think anyone else "chooses" to be poly?

It's just something we are.
Speak for yourself.

There are plenty of peeps here who do not view polyamory as something we are, but just a way we choose to live. To us, it's a practice, an approach, a structure, not an identity or "wiring" (stupid term). The fact that you feel it is what you are only reflects how YOU feel about it, but you cannot speak for all.

In addition, even if one is the type who feels it is an identity and the way one is, doesn't automatically catapult one into multiple relationships. You can see yourself as a poly person and still live monogamously or have no relationships at all. There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-20-2013 at 04:34 AM.
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Old 06-20-2013, 02:03 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
In addition, even if one is the type who feels it is an identity and the way one is, doesn't automatically catapult one into multiple relationships. You can see yourself as a poly person and still live monogamously or have no relationships at all. There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.
This is a good point.

I arrived at polyamory because of my worldview shifting toward a stance of absolute independence. I rejected the concept of monogamy as a traditionalist social trapping which had ceased to apply to me. I decided that free sexual expression (or lack of expression) was preferable and that slut shaming and sex negativity were not for me. I learned that applying a scarcity model to emotional love was broken, and that there were no limits to emotional intimacy but merely logistical constraints like time and energy.

With all of these ideals in play I pretty much defaulted to polyamory. I was with my monogamous wife at the time I came to this discovery. I didn't have any other lovers on the line and wasn't looking for any - it was a philosophical distinction, not a desire to have multiple romantic partners. Granted, the ability to have multiple romantic partners greatly appeals to me, but I am a person who requires a great deal of alone time and thus do not put much effort into building very many of these kinds of relationships. Add to that, these days I'm not interested in any relationships which are not basically effortless - and most people are dramatic, needy, controlling, disaster pieces... so there's that hindrance.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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