Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #151  
Old 02-29-2012, 04:54 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Hi Onoma, I actually like your question. I'd love to read a string of one-paragraph summaries of people's paths in their relationship lives. I'll give you mine. I stumbled across this board a couple of years ago when I was baffled by my strong romantic attraction to my friend L, in spite of loving my husband. Reading about polyamory, I recognized in myself a lifelong pattern of cheating/breakups/confusion when my "serial monogamy" as practiced by most young singles kept tending to overlap -loving one, I'd fall in love with another. I was relieved to read that that's just how some people tick, and that life can be lived with multiple love relationships, given enough hard work with communication and honesty, introspection and mutual respect. It has been tough, given my socially conservative monogamous husband (from India) but we have finally reached a place where I feel free and he still feels securely loved, and the profound honesty between has deepened our bond.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #152  
Old 03-01-2012, 12:17 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,112
Default I've known I was poly...

I've known I was poly...since before the word was invented (in 1990, according to Wikipedia). I started reading Heinlein at a very young age (12 or so). Many of my views on sex and relationships were/are quite obviously Heinlein influenced. Before I met MrS, I was pretty much of the opinion that I wanted to have sex with whomever I wanted and loving friends and FWB but had no interest in the types of "relationships" modeled by my peers (and society at large)...then MrS happened and I eventually had to acknowledge that such a thing as "romantic love" actually existed...so I had to fit that in as well. 19 years later the miracle happened again, quite unlooked-for, and now we have Dude as well, all nestled in there...apparently these things just happen sometimes.

(I'm working on the longer version in my blog - 8 big posts and I am up to 16 years ago...)
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #153  
Old 03-02-2012, 02:51 PM
nouryia's Avatar
nouryia nouryia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 206
Default

I kind of fell into it. I have been mono all my life until about 1.5 years ago. I'd never thought about living out a poly relationship until I married my current husband 3 years ago. He wasn't poly, but he is bisexual. I always felt like asking him to never be with a man again because we were now married was selfish.

At first all we did was talk about it and we pretty much dismissed the idea. But he made friends with a co-worker who is poly and quite out and open about it. What seemed like a really weird arrangement to me at first kind of became less weird over time just from hearing about their life through my husband.

About 2 years ago, I decided 'to hell with it, let's try opening things up'. Why? Because I had noticed that my husband seemed to get more antsy and talked about his desires of being with men more and I could see him struggling. At first, it was him that sought out a male FWB. In time, that friend became my lover and he and I fell in love. I now refer to him as my boyfriend. I never expected this but I'm glad it happened...
__________________
I tried being reasonable. I didn't like it. ~Clint Eastwood~
Reply With Quote
  #154  
Old 03-10-2012, 04:15 PM
Shannanigan's Avatar
Shannanigan Shannanigan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: St. Thomas, VI
Posts: 27
Default

In 2007, a couple months before my 21st birthday, I confessed to my boyfriend of over three years (who I had been blissfully monogamous with the entire time) that I was having a hard time turning down the advances of an attractive guy at school. The guy wasn't being pushy or harassing, but he was making himself unquestionably available, and I wanted to give in. I had been reading articles about cheating online at night, and stumbled across the suggestion that I talk with my partner about it, so I did.

We agreed that I could sleep with the guy, once, and that I would share all the details with my boyfriend, and decide from there whether we wanted to open our relationship up to strictly sexual encounters with other people. I did, and we decided we were okay with opening up.

I didn't expect to fall in love with another person. It was a hard time reassuring my first guy that I wasn't going to leave him and didn't feel anything less for him. Being the internet junkie that I am, it didn't take long for the word "polyamory" to start popping up in my article readings. Once I discovered it, though, it helped me and my guys out so much, and I'm so glad the communities (and the word "polyamory") exist for jsut that reason.

The relationship with the first guy unfortunately ended as we discovered that we wanted different things in life. I'm still "with" the second guy and have a handful of lover-friends in different places. Most of them are curious about this "polyamory" thing, but for the most part don't see the need to call what we have anything more than a close friendship that sometimes includes sex.
Reply With Quote
  #155  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:53 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,303
Default

I don't fully identify as polyamorous. I describe myself as ethically non-monogamous. The reason is that I have yet to have more than one loving relationship at a time. I'm currently seeing people casually. However I believe myself to be 'poly-capable'. Of course I won't know for sure until I am in more than one loving relationship. So my answer would be I still don't know.
Reply With Quote
  #156  
Old 03-11-2012, 01:47 PM
StarTeddy's Avatar
StarTeddy StarTeddy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 55
Red face

It was about a year ago when I became interested in my (now-ex) boyfriend's best friend. I was feeling torn between having to choose between them and told them that I wanted to date both of them. A big mess happened, but I decided to stay with my boyfriend and just be friends (with emotional attachment) to his best friend. I knew that I was poly then, but I thought I could suppress it. Now, I don't know.

Funny thing is, something extremely similar happened when I had just started my first relationship when I was 15. How I got there was much more convoluted, but basically I was also crushing hard on my then-boyfriend's best friend and I wished that I didn't have to choose. For a time felt that I didn't have to, but then I saw how much it was hurting him, kicked myself mentally and decided that I had a previous commitment to my (then) boyfriend, and to stop being immature and insensitive towards him.

Heh...
Reply With Quote
  #157  
Old 03-11-2012, 05:18 PM
Lexithegeek Lexithegeek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 10
Default

I was with my primary for about 1.5 years and we were having problems. He was struggling with being with committed to one person so long (ex serial Monogamist) and I was struggling with being stright for so long. When he met someone he was attracted to he asked me if I would be willing to have an open relatonship. I flipped the hell out. I thought that he didnt love me, I wasn't good enough etc etc. But he didn't pressure me into anything and gave me all the time I needed. Eventually I came across the book "Ethical Slut". It gave me perspective on what he was feeling and put me in. touch with my unfulfilled needs. So we gave it a shot. I found my needs are best met in an open relationship. Havent looked back. I do ID as poly.
__________________
Love is Limitless
Reply With Quote
  #158  
Old 03-12-2012, 05:47 PM
lili lili is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 26
Default

I feel like it's an ongoing process. Regardless of how you term this, whether it's coming to an identity, a practice, or a lifestyle, whether it's polyamory or polysexory, I experience it as a work in progress, and I think I always will.

Early on I spent a lot of time bending my mind around what is possible, possible to love more than one person, or no? And I spent a lot of time fighting my way out of the bubble of how I've been taught to think.

As time's gone on it's turned into more of a commitment to writing my own rulebook, creating my own relationships with little cultural guidance, and breaking all the rules of "how things should be" that are pressing in from all sides. Sacrifice comes with this commitment, but of course I've experienced rewards.

My partner says he does it because it feels right. I like that. I'll do it for as long as it seems like a good idea. It's been challenging for us. It's easier to play Scrabble than it is to invent a whole new game to play. Or is it? Never know until you try.
Reply With Quote
  #159  
Old 03-17-2012, 12:23 AM
Sugarbooger's Avatar
Sugarbooger Sugarbooger is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Crazytown
Posts: 30
Default still trying to figure it out

When I made love to my girlfriend, realized I had feelings for her AND still loved my spouse, I knew. I also was pretty anxious because I felt like I was coming out all over again, and on a whole different level. I don't feel like I can really be out because of the kids and protecting my career in mental health services.
Reply With Quote
  #160  
Old 03-20-2012, 02:01 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lili View Post
I feel like it's an ongoing process.
I think pretty much all of life is an ongoing process...

Quote:
It's easier to play Scrabble than it is to invent a whole new game to play. Or is it? Never know until you try.
I actually played Calvinball once with some friends. It was interesting... and in many ways easier than Scrabble. Especially when I get all consonants.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, cheating, coming out poly, commitment, defintion, description, descriptions, discovery, dissatisfaction, first time, happiness, history, introduction to poly, learning, mono poly, mono/poly, new to polyamory, opening a relationship, poly, relationship issues, scale

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:33 AM.