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  #121  
Old 04-21-2011, 10:53 AM
MaeMae MaeMae is offline
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Default I want monogamy. He wants polyamory.

Hi, I'm very new to this stuff. And I don't disagree with it, it seems like sometimes it really can work out well, but it's not what I want.

I'll start at the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 2 years now, we live together and we've talked about marriage, in the future, and having kids some day. So we're in a serious relationship. I am completely faithful to him and have no wishes to be otherwise. He has been faithful to me, if having a few close encounters, until he met this girl.

Now, he has always been friends with a lot of girls, he likes to talk to them, and I don't mind. So he did mention he was talking to this one, and then when he was stuck without a ride home somewhere, she was nice enough to pick him up.
I thanked her when they came home, because I don't drive, and because it was late, offered that she stay the night on a mattress in the lounge, which she eventually decided on.
That went fine, they talked some of the night, but that's normal, and she left for work in the morning before we were up.

So I guess that started their friendship properly. They continued talking, and at some point saw each other again, and I would often come home and she had just dropped him off or something.
His friends knew before I did. A male friend of ours came over for dinner, and my boyfriend invited her as well. They were talking to each other as we made dinner, and I thought they were getting close, so I even looked at my boyfriend and mentioned it, as though they might soon be together.

I had been working a lot, and they apparently spent a lot of time together, because I later found out they'd had sex while I wasn't home, and then several days later, I found out he'd been with her.
I was devastated, and spent the entire night and next day trying to think what to do, to leave, or I don't know what else.
I found the thought of leaving him too hard to bear.. I love him and I've been so happy with him for so long. I didn't want to break up, I hadn't done anything wrong.

Eventually, I agreed for some reason she should come over for dinner, and was sociable and nice, which was quite painful at the time.
I asked her if she wanted to stay over. And I probably knew what would happen.

Somehow, I let it become a polyamorous relationship. I actually think I fell in love with her after a while, which is handy because I'm not someone who feels right having sex outside of a loving relationship.
For him, perhaps stupidly on my part, I even joined in, though that may have been because I was too jealous to leave him alone often.

But we don't get along, his other girlfriend and I, and I have tried. She's even living with us now, though we have no space, because she was having problems with her flatmates at the time.
For a while it was fine, I suppose we had our own relationship as well, separate from him, which was more comfort and talking than anything, but that's disappeared.

She's told me that she doesn't feel right doing stuff with me, and is sometimes rude to me and then makes a joke of it. I've mentioned it to her and to my boyfriend, but I'm the jealous type and I probably sound like a bitch for bringing it up. Before she said that, I would want to cuddle or touch her somehow, not sexually, and she would get annoyed with me, to the point that she made me seem like I was being a child or something. I have a very high sex drive besides, and now I'm not with her at all, the attention I was used to before from my boyfriend is more than halved.

My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately now, and she gets upset when we do, but I can't live like this and don't know what to do.
I feel like all the changes made have been mine, and I've been called selfish by both of them now, because I can't seem to do anymore.. I'm living with one person who now all but ignores me and another who is frustrated with me being miserable.

Am I supposed to keep them happy at the expense of my own happiness..?
I need help.


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  #122  
Old 04-21-2011, 11:12 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Hi. Welcome to the forum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaeMae View Post
Am I supposed to keep them happy at the expense of my own happiness..?
.
The short answer to this is no.

What makes YOU happy. That should be your concern.

To think that all the changes have been yours is a limited perspective. All three of you have obviously gone through changes, and I would imagine that you have all had difficulties and discomfort in this as well. But if this isn't working for you, you need to do something about it. Speak your heart with everyone in the room and keep in mind that these people are dear to you, but most importantly, you must be dear to yourself.

It sounds to me like you know exactly how you feel about this situation. And it's admirable for you to seek advice here, but let's be honest... if you "let this happen" you are denying any responsibility. Take some now and be a good steward of your soul.

Best of luck to you.
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  #123  
Old 04-21-2011, 10:39 PM
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magikman79 magikman79 is offline
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I agree, you can't sacrifice your happiness for others, communication is the key, You've got to talk about it.

It's funny how life changes sometimes isn't it.

But keep this in mind, most guys wonder what life could be like with another woman, what would it have been like, would I have been happier...

It's just human nature.
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  #124  
Old 04-22-2011, 01:07 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I wonder if it would help for them to read what you've written? Or a version of it; history as you see it. Perhaps they can add how they see it and then you can sit and talk about it. Looking at the furture might be obtained in a healthy way by looking at where things changed or how they could of been done differently in the past.

It sounds to me like a case of everything moving way too fast. I don't know the time line, but it sounds fast. I'm not a big fan of moving people in just because they are having problems. Living with people is a huge deal, especially loves. To me it warrents a long drawn out process based on it fitting, not roomate trouble, money problems or anything else.

You could ask that this temporary move be over now and she find her own place, you could move or he could move. Living all three of you seems to be an option that has come to an end.
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  #125  
Old 04-22-2011, 01:21 AM
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magikman79 magikman79 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I wonder if it would help for them to read what you've written? Or a version of it;
We let M & a couple of other ppl read what we had written here, in every case it helped them understand, I think its a good idea to communicate.
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  #126  
Old 04-22-2011, 08:37 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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The way I see it;

1) He cheated. How did you deal with that?

2) You 'allowed' things to drift into polyamory because? You were afraid that he would otherwise leave you? She was enticing? It was easier than to deal with the pain of him cheating on you?

3) She was not interested in a relationship with you. Do you still identify as monogamous by default or do you see some for of consensual non-monogamy working for you too?

4) She moved in 'just because'. Big red flag! She needs to get her own place. It's not fair to force you out of your apartment so that she and him can enjoy their NRE with no interruptions. Your post reads as things moving blindingly fast and you being left with wondering 'What just happened with my life?'.

So what to do now?

1) Deal with the cheating and the hurt it has caused.

2) Really discuss polyamory this time. Boundaries, foundations, time-management, separateness vs. togetherness, all that jazz.

3) Consider how you can have your own needs met, sexual and otherwise. Do you want to have casual partners for sex and affection on the side or explore a full-blown committed love relationship with a possible future secondary of your own?

4) Move her out. Actually, this needs to be done first.

Sorry to sound a bit curt, I just lost a giant post and tried to recap from memory .
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  #127  
Old 05-25-2011, 09:43 PM
CautiousLoops CautiousLoops is offline
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Unhappy When did you know you weren't monogamous?

Im having a hard time dealing with the guilt of knowing I cant be monogamous. My partner and I have been together nearly five years. Ive always had the urges to explore other relationships but I havent had the confidence to voice them until now. I feel like this could end my relationship, these feelings. My partner doesn't share my sentiments (which is fine) but I worry how I am going to be able to cope with all of this. Do I stay in the relationship with the partner I love and adore or do I stay to persue what I feel in my heart is the kind of relationships I am supposed to have?


My question for all you is: When did YOU know you were non-monogamous and how did you deal with the feelings? Were their any repercussions if you were in a mono relationship at the time?
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  #128  
Old 05-25-2011, 09:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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10 years ago when my, at the time, gf and I picked up our first fuck friend.

Over 2 years ago I fell in love with a fuck friend. I realized then I could be poly as well.

I have a love hate relationship with poly. I was comfortable as a non-monogamist but poly .. well I am up and down. I had a lot of anger when I first figured it out. And whether or not I can actually be good at poly relationships, is something I always fight internally with.

There has bneen talk of poly/non-monogamy fitting on a sliding scale range. From "ya I can do non-monogamy" to "holy crap monogamy is for the birds"...

Can you exist in a relationship where you are with one person for the rest of your life knowing you "can" be with others. Thats up to you.
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  #129  
Old 05-25-2011, 10:27 PM
Snowbunting Snowbunting is offline
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Default please don't feel guilty...

CautiousLoops,

Please don't feel guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven't betrayed your partner simply because you're finding yourself with certain sorts of emotions. Keep reading the posts on this forum - you'll see that there are lots of polyamorous people and that there's no need for a person to feel guilty simply because he or she happens to be poly. (Even if you're the kind of poly person who truly "can't be monogamous", there's nothing to feel guilty about unless you actually cheat on/betray your partner, and of course, you haven't done that. But even if you had, the betrayal would be the proper reason for the guilt, not the fact that you're poly.)

You'll also find a great deal of helpful advice in the forum - for instance, advice concerning the importance of communication, empathy, patience, taking baby steps, etc. And you'll find examples of very healthy mono-poly relationships - if I were you, I wouldn't assume from the outset that you and your partner can't be in such a relationship - it may well be possible after all.

In my own case, my husband and I are separating in part because of our mono-poly differences, but there are other factors as well, and I have no doubt that mono-poly relationships can work. I just recently posted my story; if you're interested, you can find it here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10256 (I should warn you though, the post is on the long and wordy side ). In that post, I go into detail about how I figured out that I was poly and about what ensued between my husband and me. (You'll also see my struggle with guilt; that struggle is part of the reason I hate to see someone like you burdened with guilt.)

But in any case, your situation may be very different from mine, and ultimately, things could turn out very well for you and your partner. Best wishes to both of you!

Last edited by Snowbunting; 05-25-2011 at 10:43 PM.
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  #130  
Old 05-25-2011, 11:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Default Some other threads which might help

There are similar questions raised and discussed in the threads below. Maybe reading some of them will be helpful to you in sorting it all out.


How do you know you're poly?

The Many Types of Polyamory

Positive things as a mono I have gotten from poly

Haven't broached the poly subject yet...

Talking about Polyamory to partners

So - how do you *know* you're poly/mono?

Mono/Poly confusion

in mono marriage, realizing I'm poly

Have you always known if you are mono or poly?

How you changed when you opened to poly?

How do I open up my discussion/relationship?
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-25-2011 at 11:47 PM.
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