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  #91  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:32 AM
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superjast wrote a bit on this thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=2771&page=2

*Bah!* not much though. This is why it's important to tag people! Learn to love your 'edit tag' button! geesh....
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  #92  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:36 PM
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For myself, I have no idea.

I have been aware that I can love more than one person in a romantic way for a very long time...

I have been the classic serial monogamist, dumping one boy for another just so I could explore the other in a "right" way. I hurt a lot of people due to this.

When I was in high school I cheated on my first love with his best friend. That is probably the closest to poly I ever got when I was younger... I remember thinking how they were so different and each provided me with something unique. I had no idea that polyamory existed and broke it off with both of them in an attempt to make things right. It was a package deal to me, all or none.

The situation with my ex husband is a bad example for some reasons (abusive relationship) and good for others (attraction stifled and sex drive plummeted). Being monogamous with him for 8 years killed my sex drive. It is possible that it was all him being a shit hole... but I'll never know.

That relationship is why I question almost everything about my love life. It completely fucked with my head. Who knows if I can be mono because I never had a good shot at it.

When I met O, I was "dating" another man, T, long distance. T wanted to become exclusive with me (long distance?!) and that seemed impossible to me. The relationship with T turned into friendship and some heartbreak late last year.

J is the current other. Sometimes I wish that I could just be a swinger. My head and body don't really work like that, however. It feels like feelings complicate things. Now I have to consider him and his feelings, mine, and O's.

Then there is the casual sex... both with friends, (the best!) and boys I labeled as boyfriends for the week we "dated" for society's sake. Didn't want to be a "slut"! Oh yah - then there was that foray into "lesbianism" last week. haha.

.....but - Who fucking knows how to tell if you are poly/mono, etc. I bet someone else could easily label me based on the above stories, but I cannot even do that for myself.

My sexuality seems to be, well, situational. Is that a title? "Conditional bi/mono/poly/swinger" huh.
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  #93  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post

My sexuality seems to be, well, situational. Is that a title? "Conditional bi/mono/poly/swinger" huh.
"Situational sexuality"....brilliant!
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  #94  
Old 07-22-2010, 07:04 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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My sort of relevent query, do "Polys" consider polyamory a lifestyle or an orientation?
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  #95  
Old 07-22-2010, 07:35 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
My sort of relevent query, do "Polys" consider polyamory a lifestyle or an orientation?
Short answer; both, and a toolkit for doing multiple romantic relationships well.
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  #96  
Old 07-22-2010, 07:41 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
My sort of relevent query, do "Polys" consider polyamory a lifestyle or an orientation?
orientation. But its individual I think.

Some poly people live it as a lifestyle. They want to find love...enjoy love and thrive in love.

Some poly people want to date, enjoy the opportunity presented and will fall in love, if love presents itself.

There are many other options, but those are two that show the differences. I fall into part 2....I know a number that fall into part 1. ...we are all poly
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  #97  
Old 07-23-2010, 03:16 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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"How do I know?" I don't anymore. Over the last 3 months I've become more aware that it seems uncomfortable for me to be in love with more than one woman. As Mono writes, it's not a matter of self-control or denial, it's an internal circuitry of some kind.

There are lots of electrical switches available. Some let you select a single signal path at a time -- you can listen either to your radio or your CD player or your MP3 player. But not all at the same time. Some selectors let you use multiple sources: you can pipe your electric guitar and your dub box and your drum machine into the same recording line. Simultaneously.

This is a really crude analogy, but it feels a little like that to me. Some people's love-switches accept multiple inputs. My internal switches only really accept one love at a time. (It's a really a poorly designed switch, too, because there's quite a bit of arcing and burning when it has to change to a new configuration, and that hurts. )

But I'm lucky: I don't mind if the person I love has the other kind of switch. I can love someone who is also in love with other people. That's really great for me, because I can get the benefits of compersion and wider relationships even though I'm not completely poly. And I don't seem to suffer the terrible pains of jealousy and anger that sometimes go with the full mono configuration. Whew! What luck.

I don't really believe it's as simple as the switch analogy. People are damned complicated, and emotions are extraordinarily complex. The ideas of situational sexuality, serial non-monogamy, and relationship webs do a better job of showing some of the complexity.
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  #98  
Old 07-23-2010, 05:20 PM
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racer812 racer812 is offline
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Uuuuuuummmmmmmm.............. I would say that I'm a mono, but I have done plenty of swinging. . I have female friends that I am sexually attracted to, have strong feelings for them and enjoy hanging out with them. But I don't know if I would call it love. Loving some one, for me, is loving them completely, unconditionally. I focus all of my "energy" on that person. I consider myself to be open minded, but I dont know if I could love another woman like I love my wife(still) I guess I have never had the opportunity to try. Love and sex, for me again, can be two separate things. When we were swinging, sex was for fun and the pleasure that it brought. When the wife and I have sex, its a completely different set of emotions.
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  #99  
Old 07-26-2010, 11:23 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I know because I sat down and told Indigo I would cheat if I couldn't be with more than one person. And it hurt SO much to say that to him because I love him.

All of my other long term relationships have been serial monogamy, and now, with Indigo and a poly relationship, he's outlasted everyone else by twice as long. (And managed to convince me to marry him! )

I was even "bad" at cheating, which I had to avoid simply because of my problems with anxiety.

So yeah, I fall into the orientation category.
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  #100  
Old 07-27-2010, 07:59 AM
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I've basically always known, even though I didn't have terminology or context for it.

When I was young, the concept of "one person for ever and always" sounded silly and naive, I knew I could never hack that.

Oddly enough, none of my relationships ever felt insufficient... I never felt that being with only one person at that time was holding me back or not meeting my needs. I was usually so caught up in NRE that I didn't think of anyone else. And since none of them were LTR material, the wearing-off of the NRE spelled the end of the relationship before I got to a stage where I was interested in other people.

With my marriage, it started out the same way: we were enough for one another, and even though I was vocally poly when we met, it was my idea to close off the relationship while we built a solid foundation. Once we had that, my poly feelings grew, and we opened our relationship back up.
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