Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-17-2018, 05:38 PM
Iferlyf Iferlyf is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Default What is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... Sorry ^^'

So on a more serious note, I was wondering what love is exactly (duh!), what makes it different from friendship. The only thing I think makes it different is feelings. There's that "living together and having babies" thing that people tend to do with lovers and not with friends, but you can love someone and not want to do this with them, so I wouldn't make it part of the definition...
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-17-2018, 06:32 PM
Marvelgirl Marvelgirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 39
Default

It isn't really any different from very close friendships to me. I love my best friend. She's at that same level as my partners. The only difference is I don't want to have sex with her and I do want to have sex with my partners. If I didn't, I would see them as close friends that I love.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-17-2018, 10:12 PM
Valynn's Avatar
Valynn Valynn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 71
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iferlyf View Post
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... Sorry ^^'

So on a more serious note, I was wondering what love is exactly (duh!), what makes it different from friendship. The only thing I think makes it different is feelings. There's that "living together and having babies" thing that people tend to do with lovers and not with friends, but you can love someone and not want to do this with them, so I wouldn't make it part of the definition...
For me it's attraction & commitment levels. I have had close friendships turn into a love relationship & then back to the again.
__________________
Valynn (Me)- 44 F bi/poly/divorced
Dexus- 20 M- son of Valynn. In Navy basic training.
Moma- my mother
Dion- my ex husband
Sephene- Dion's fiancee

------------------------------------------------
Greg- 44 M Straight/Mono(I think) Hopeful new V relationship with.....
Sir- 55 M Straight/Married Soft Dom, Occasional Medieval Play Partner
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-18-2018, 12:10 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,251
Default

Hi Iferlyf,

According to Wiktionary, love is ...
  • a profound and caring affection towards someone.
  • a feeling of intense attraction towards someone.
  • a profound feeling of trust and security towards a person or a deity.
  • a feeling of care and mercy towards people or living beings in general.
  • a deep or abiding liking for something.
Regards,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-18-2018, 12:14 AM
Valynn's Avatar
Valynn Valynn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 71
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
a deep or abiding liking for something.
LOL ya have to really really like like a person.
__________________
Valynn (Me)- 44 F bi/poly/divorced
Dexus- 20 M- son of Valynn. In Navy basic training.
Moma- my mother
Dion- my ex husband
Sephene- Dion's fiancee

------------------------------------------------
Greg- 44 M Straight/Mono(I think) Hopeful new V relationship with.....
Sir- 55 M Straight/Married Soft Dom, Occasional Medieval Play Partner
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-18-2018, 12:18 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,251
Default

It would be like saying, "I love chocolate." Or, "I love D&D!"
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-18-2018, 12:28 AM
Valynn's Avatar
Valynn Valynn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 71
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It would be like saying, "I love chocolate." Or, "I love D&D!"
But......I DO love D&D.
__________________
Valynn (Me)- 44 F bi/poly/divorced
Dexus- 20 M- son of Valynn. In Navy basic training.
Moma- my mother
Dion- my ex husband
Sephene- Dion's fiancee

------------------------------------------------
Greg- 44 M Straight/Mono(I think) Hopeful new V relationship with.....
Sir- 55 M Straight/Married Soft Dom, Occasional Medieval Play Partner
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-18-2018, 12:30 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,251
Default

Exactly.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-21-2018, 06:44 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 290
Default

We can "love" many people, animals and things, in many ways, including family members and platonic friends. There is no ONE definition or "right" way to love.

Therefore, I assume the OP is talking about the difference between other forms of love and the feeling of "being in" romantic love.

For me, the feeling is a unique one. My whole being responds to that person, whether they're physically present or not. We connect. And that connection can be felt on many planes: mental, emotional, physical, sexual, metaphysical/spiritual.

My body craves theirs, yearns for contact in a way that isn't necessarily or always sexual. It can even feel like we've merged or share a body on occasion. I never feel like that with "just good friends" no matter how close they are, how much I love them, or how long I've known them.
__________________
Me, Lunabunny: F, 49, heteroflexible hinge in LD poly V
Jester: M, 59, co-primary partner, het (former FWB with B)
Boho: F, 56, co-primary partner, heteroflexible
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-21-2018, 04:17 PM
Ravenscroft's Avatar
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,410
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
According to Wiktionary, love is ...
... a rather vague term, commonly defined using other vague terms. It's got so totally stretched out of shape that lots of people feel free to stretch it even more to suit their whims & vagaries.

It's accreted some questionable implications. For instance, if all forms of "love" aren't permanent, then "love is forever!" is not just an empty sentiment but an outright falsehood.

Both abusers & abusees credit love as a major motivating factor in their relationships.

A much better term for what people mean when they invoke "Romantic love" is limerence --
Quote:
a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

Limerence, which is not exclusively sexual, has been defined in terms of its potentially inspirational effects ... "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation".

... "many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption, and the renewal of attachment relationships" ... "the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation, and "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation" during the "intensive ... pair-forming stage" of human affectionate bonding.
Tennov coined the term, in part to separate the sexual-attraction component of "love" (as welll as the obsessive "head over heels" stuff) from the "loving affection" we have for our children (& as well some of our family & friends). Tennov also pointed out that long-lasting intimate relationships have generally transitioned from limerence to abiding affection.

Unlike any flavor of "love," there are some noted physiological symptoms of limerence:
Quote:
The physiological correlations of intense limerence can include seizure-like trembling, pallor, flushing, heart palpitations, pupil dilation and general weakness. Awkwardness, stuttering, shyness, and confusion predominate at the behavioral level. Less common effects include insomnia, loss of appetite, and passing out.

... sustained alertness, a heightening of awareness and an enormous fund of energy to deploy in pursuit... . The sensation of limerence is felt in the midpoint of the chest, bottom of the throat, guts, or in some cases in the abdominal region. This can be interpreted as ecstasy at times of mutuality, but its presence is most noticeable during despair at times of rejection.
Limerence might be endlessly renewed, or possibly turn into unhealthy obsession (in a clinical sense), but usually it fades away. Tennov says this might happen for three reasons:
  • "as the certainty of reciprocity grows" or "a limerent object professes similar feelings"
  • starvation, "the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence"
  • shifting of the obsessive/romantic feelings to a new object
But because most people cart along unquestioned Romantic nonsense from their Monogamist upbringing, they find the notion that True Love is commonly transient to be too much to bear, & so "limerence" as a concept hasn't gained wide popularity. In reality, Romance is even flimsier, but Romanticism is built upon such self-serving lies:
Quote:
According to David Sack, limerence lasts longer than romantic love, but is shorter than a healthy, committed partnership. Dorothy Tennov estimates that limerence can last from a few weeks to several decades, with the average being 18 months to three years.
That "three (or so) years" is regularly mentioned by couples who decide to "try poly" to "put the spark back in our marriage" by manufacturing a new fantasy object ("our third"), unwilling to believe the limerence might be much briefer (weighted down with fantasy expectations)
__________________
recommended: Facebook made you stupid (2014)
.

Last edited by Ravenscroft; 01-21-2018 at 04:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:09 PM.