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Old 11-13-2010, 05:28 PM
polyshyguy polyshyguy is offline
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Default How to ask...

I first brought up polyamory to my wife a couple years ago. It's an idea that she intellectually has no problems with, and sometimes finds intriguing. After much deliberation, yes/no conversations, she's decided that she's okay with me looking for an additional partner, and I feel the same about her.

There's a person I've pointed out as being interested, and my wife knows her by appearance. This person works at a local retailer, and whenever she's working, I try to go in her check-out line. We've had friendly conversation a couple of times, and what I think is flirting, but I'm not sure. I've always been bad at telling whether someone is interested, and I've had several bad experiences where I thought someone was, and it turns out they were not even remotely.

This person is somewhat of an alternative type by her appearance, so it's possible she might be open to a lifestyle like poly. My question is, how do I even bring up the possibility of going out? We'll never even get to know each other to know if this might be possible unless I can at least get that far. I have no contact with this person outside of her work, so I don't want to make it an awkward situation for her.
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:32 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Perhaps you should see what she does for fun somehow... then show up... ? that's a tough one. I guess just keeping at it and talking more and more each time. That is what I have been known to do. That way the relationship develops slowly and without it being obvious that I am interested before I know what kind of person they are.

I think I would keep looking around though as this might not work out... not put all my eggs in one basket so to speak.
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:53 PM
polyshyguy polyshyguy is offline
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Thanks, redpepper. That's some good advice. Sometimes I worry so much about the possibilities when the easiest thing to do is just be natural. Part of the problem is that she doesn't seem to work very often, so I only see her once a week at most.

I'm also concerned about how notoriously shy I am. I'd been about 5 years out of college with only about 3 dates and no relationships when I met my wife, and SHE asked ME out the first time. But it's still a good plan to go slow.

I'm not really the kind of person who NEEDS a poly relationship. My wife and I have done fine together for years. But when I feel a special spark, and the situation seems possible, I'd like to at least look into it.
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:10 PM
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I have been nurturing a relationship with a woman for almost a year. She is the caretaker of the building our company rents from her father. she isn't there often but whenever she is there I say hi and now talk to her a bit. I realized that she goes to a coffee shop I do and is in fact a regular there. We gave each other a smile at first and that has lead to conversations. Last night I was there with my men and my boy and she came in. She met all of them and we talked for a time all of us. I managed to tell her some of the things I have been wanting to say for awhile about our relationship with her dad that I thought might be getting in the way of us being friends... I was glad to and we were in a position now where she trusted me and could hear them knowing that I really mean what I say. It took time.... next time I see her I'm going to ask if she wants to go for coffee....

I really like her and want to be her friend. She is a lesbian and my experience with lesbians is that they don't get my pansexuality... it is a step that I dread, telling her who the men were that she met, although she knows that one is my boys dad. I intend, if we ever get there, to tell her that I have been nervous to tell her and why and then tell her my situation. I haven't invested in that ever happening, but as you say, I will act naturally and take it in my stride.

I have a big need for lesbian community in my life and that is where I would invest. I identified as a lesbian for 10 years and miss the feeling the community offered... we shall see, but, I hope you see from this that time is your friend... time and keeping at it. shy or not, it will all unfold
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:49 PM
polyshyguy polyshyguy is offline
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Thanks. I'll keep on the slow path I've been on and see what develops. If I feel the mood is right, I'll ask her to do something casual. Until then..*sigh*
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Old 11-15-2010, 11:47 PM
polyshyguy polyshyguy is offline
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Arrgh! This is driving me nuts! Saw her again tonight working in another area, got shy and avoided eye contact, tried to smile on the way out but she wasn't looking. Now I feel like she might have misread my looking away as something negative, and maybe I made her feel bad. Too obsessive, I know, but I really hope she didn't take my shyness the wrong way.
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:29 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polyshyguy View Post
Arrgh! This is driving me nuts! Saw her again tonight working in another area, got shy and avoided eye contact, tried to smile on the way out but she wasn't looking. Now I feel like she might have misread my looking away as something negative, and maybe I made her feel bad. Too obsessive, I know, but I really hope she didn't take my shyness the wrong way.
Calm down start breathing.....Here is what you do. Buy something you would be interest in that she may like as well...before you by it...Simply ask her what she thinks about it...what kind of retail store is it?
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:33 AM
polyshyguy polyshyguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
Calm down start breathing.....Here is what you do. Buy something you would be interest in that she may like as well...before you by it...Simply ask her what she thinks about it...what kind of retail store is it?
A Target.
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:45 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Originally Posted by polyshyguy View Post
A Target.
Oh that's awesome! Ask her to help you find something....on the way walking to that something just have some chit chat...Thank her for helping you...then ask her what she does when she isnt there...so on and so forth...say if you like I'd like to...blah blah blah...say dont answer now...and say since I asked you I will give you my number email or whatever....now the ball in in your court....

My thoughts
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:52 AM
polyshyguy polyshyguy is offline
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Well, she usually works at the checkout so I don't think they help people find stuff, but if I could catch her at the photo lab where she sometimes is, and I happen to have some photo-related needs with me, that might work. I don't want this to sound like I'm scheming, and if she's shows signs she's not interested I'll back off right away, but you're right. I'll throw some photos on a thumb drive, and next time I see her at the photo area, I'll try to make some more in-depth chit-chat.
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