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View Poll Results: Does one couple being married in a poly relationship work?
Yes 12 63.16%
No 2 10.53%
I think so... 3 15.79%
Only if... 4 21.05%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 19. You may not vote on this poll

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  #41  
Old 11-17-2010, 06:24 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Excellent idea, NK.
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  #42  
Old 11-17-2010, 07:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Thanks NK, took the words out of my mouth
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  #43  
Old 11-17-2010, 08:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Thanks NK, took the words out of my mouth

What did I say? Is it the link to the Communication Workshop thread?
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  #44  
Old 11-17-2010, 08:16 PM
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What did I say? Is it the link to the Communication Workshop thread?
Yup.

Talked to a poly therapist yesterday and she said the two main things she has people talk to her about are communication and jealousy.
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  #45  
Old 11-18-2010, 07:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ok so I will admit that I am not very vocal with her and my feelings...mainly because I am scared. I am scared to overly express how I feel and it not be returned. This is not new though. I have continously struggled with my husband and our gf's feelings for each other. He has been very out loud with how he feels for her which I understand but because of that she has in return become very confident in how he feels for her and she expresses how she feels for him also. I get that him being a man takes the lead with expression thus allowing a woman to do the same. I have struggled with how can I get her to express to me how she feels when I feel that she needs me to express to her before she will express to me and I don't like that. I dont like the feeling of her not doing something unless she has a certain level of confidence that it will be a success. She doesn't take chances. I have tried to not even look at their affection level but its hard when its in front of my face and I'm not getting the same though I have made efforts and I voice what I want specifically from her it just makes it hard when I don't get the same in return.
Please don't take offense, I was just wondering if I read this correctly-because it sounds like you are saying you don't like to take the first step, but you are upset with her because she doesn't like to take the first step either?
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  #46  
Old 11-18-2010, 08:18 PM
SlikkNikk SlikkNikk is offline
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Amen! She does try to speak up sometimes but she waits till she is @ the end of her rope and that doesn't make for cohesive communication. I internalize which isn't inclusive toward my partners which is also something to be worked on.... it has taken me 4 days of reading all these posts to even find a thought of mine I deem worth saying outloud. The concentration of our poly commitment has for so long been centered around doing and saying and showing and proving all that is centered around all that my gf needs (wifey). I have gotten out of the practice of self centered thinking that I am not even sure how to do that constructivly or that my gf is in the right place for me to unreservingly communicate my needs, thoughts, feelings and emotions like she has been claiming to need in all her posts because we are still in a wifey centric practice in this poly relationship of which I am bottom totum. Berhaps I feel expressing my inner workings deserves fairness not prominate in out relationships dynamic @ this time.
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  #47  
Old 11-18-2010, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by SlikkNikk View Post
Amen! She does try to speak up sometimes but she waits till she is @ the end of her rope and that doesn't make for cohesive communication. I internalize which isn't inclusive toward my partners which is also something to be worked on.... it has taken me 4 days of reading all these posts to even find a thought of mine I deem worth saying outloud. The concentration of our poly commitment has for so long been centered around doing and saying and showing and proving all that is centered around all that my gf needs (wifey). I have gotten out of the practice of self centered thinking that I am not even sure how to do that constructivly or that my gf is in the right place for me to unreservingly communicate my needs, thoughts, feelings and emotions like she has been claiming to need in all her posts because we are still in a wifey centric practice in this poly relationship of which I am bottom totum. Berhaps I feel expressing my inner workings deserves fairness not prominate in out relationships dynamic @ this time.
I live with someone who internalizes everything and doesn't say anything until he has formulated what he believes to be the "safe" version. This causes issues, because somethings are never addressed, because they weren't on his "safe" list. He thinks he is keeping the peace and trying to "make me happy", when in turn it makes me feel that I am not worthy enough for him to tell his thoughts to. It makes me feel like a second or third class citizen and that he really doesn't have any respect or love for me. Of course this isn't true, but that's where my head goes when he doesn't trust me with his thoughts and feelings.
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  #48  
Old 11-19-2010, 06:30 AM
DaylightStirring DaylightStirring is offline
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Wow... I just want to say that reading all of your post here is highly informative. Sometimes the idea of the relationship can be so far from the reality. I realized some new perspective from listening to your posts. What I really like about everything I've read here is how committed you all seem to be toward working over each hurdle as it comes. Nobody is perfect and the more you can learn to embrace that imperfection the stronger your love will be.
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  #49  
Old 11-21-2010, 09:23 PM
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While one can appreciate others putting their wants and needs second at some point when you start to feel you're at the bottom of the totem pole it's noone else's fault but your own if you choose not to express it. I've expressed many times to know your wants and needs and I guess its my fault if I still don't know. We keep trying but perhaps we aren't giving what the other actually needs and just what we think they need. Sometimes I feel like we need a chart or someone to take notes and create a list. Still at a loss...
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  #50  
Old 11-21-2010, 11:48 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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While one can appreciate others putting their wants and needs second at some point when you start to feel you're at the bottom of the totem pole it's noone else's fault but your own if you choose not to express it. I've expressed many times to know your wants and needs and I guess its my fault if I still don't know. We keep trying but perhaps we aren't giving what the other actually needs and just what we think they need. Sometimes I feel like we need a chart or someone to take notes and create a list. Still at a loss...
I find that just coming out and saying what you need is very effective. But you also need to know what you really, really need too, and not everyone does. It's also a bit scary to expose yourself so fully to someone.

Indigo and I have worked really hard to get to this point ... To give you an example of how we communicate, today we were shopping. I don't like shopping. It causes me a lot of anxiety. Indigo was texting a friend of ours and I started to feel alone because he was busy with that, just along for the ride while I figured out SHOPPING. (Eek.) So I said to him, "I need you to put your phone away because I don't feel like you're present when you're texting and I really need you here with me." He apologized, said he was in fact paying attention, but he would (and did) put his phone away.

It's a simple thing, which is really hard to do.
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