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  #11  
Old 03-11-2013, 06:21 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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So funny. I had to read everything above me before I got it. I was going to go with this doesn't happen to me much. I get other things, like asking my mom for a ride to the doctor because I have a fever and don't feel safe to drive. She says, 'oh, I can't, I have lunch date with my friends.'

But Tonberry reminded me. I was very frustrated with CBF because he NEVER asked anything of me. Nothing. This is very much not saying what he meant. 'Every thing is fine.' when it's not. Thing is, I'm not sure he was building resentment, but perhaps. I doubt I'll ever know. He has taken the opportunity once or twice, now that our no-contact is over, to tell me about things he resented. Like I have too many books.

This happens a lot to me because of my physical challenges, too. He knew me for two years before we started dating. Before we actually started dating, he had hugged me one time (he liked to pick people up when he hugged them), and my rib dislocated with a huge thunk right into his chest. It was awesome, his eyes got big as teacups. He was so afraid he'd broken me. I tried to assure him it happened a lot (and I ran off to the chiropractor). So he KNEW. He assured me he had no problem with my condition. And then proceeded to endlessly bitch about it. During the previous breakup (when I had asked him to move out, but before he did), he got drunk one night and allowed as how he would be embarrassed for me to attend a con with him if I had been in a wheelchair.

[in happy contrast, FBF says 'let's go to Disneyland and pop you into a wheelchair.']

I write a lot of that off though, not just for him, but for lots of people. He wants to see himself as a guy who's not bothered by it. But when confronted with reality, he had to confront that he is, in fact, bothered by it. Most people have no idea how to cope with the chronically ill. I have so many friends that are totally bugged by this. For some fortunate reason, I am just not as bugged by it. Less bugged the general population than by lovers, I guess. I believe that most people mean well.
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #12  
Old 03-11-2013, 05:44 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
he got drunk one night and allowed as how he would be embarrassed for me to attend a con with him if I had been in a wheelchair.
O.O

[grumble] asshole... [/grumble]

I'm trying really hard not to judge him for that feeling. But LYING about the way he felt?!? That was a choice, and a fucked-up one at that.

I haven't really had anything to add to this thread, since I agree that it's something that pisses me the hell off and I don't put up with it. But to put it in it's plainest terms, to me not expressing what one really wants or expressing the exact opposite in the hopes that someone else will figure it out is LYING.

Don't lie to me. Lie and you're out (especially if you claim to love me. Lying coworkers can't be as easily dismissed). Be honest and effing deal with reality. Reality ain't always pretty, but at least then you have the option to do something about it. Can't do anything if you're (knowingly or unknowingly) living a lie.
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  #13  
Old 03-11-2013, 06:11 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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The thing about it that bugs me (and what bothered me in that other thread) is when the person who is making an offer "just to be nice" acts like it's YOUR PROBLEM for not realizing they didn't mean it.

I guess I started this thread just to hear people sound off about it, and share examples. I really don't expect to gain new insights or perspectives or anything like that because most of the regulars here seem disposed to be in agreement (but TGIG, this is like the third time in one week you've agreed with me; this is moving too fast - I'm not ready to take our relationship to that level yet), and this is a fundamental part of self-awareness which is important to strive for, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships.
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  #14  
Old 03-11-2013, 06:27 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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The connected pet peeve to this is that I do say what I mean, so freaking believe me when I say it!

If I tell you I don't mind if you have sex with my boyfriend, I really don't mind. I'm not hiding jealousy, I'm not "testing" you to see what you'll say, I really don't care. Additionally, I don't care if you never have sex with him. Whatever. It doesn't matter one way or the other to me.

If I say I'm fine, don't hound me for how I "really" feel, because I seem "off" or "distant." Seriously, I'm fine, the only thing bothering me is you constantly asking me how I am!

If I ask you to postpone a date, because it's been a long week at work and I'm exhausted and stressed and need to recharge, please don't jump to the conclusion that I'm breaking up with you and trying to avoid you or let you down easily. We'll do dinner tomorrow, I swear!

Moonlight tends to over-analyze everything I say and attribute agendas and emotions to me that aren't true. She's had some really crappy lovers in the past who have manipulated her badly, so I understand that it's kind of a survival mechanism for her. It's just frustrating to have every motive questioned when I'm such a straight-forward person.
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  #15  
Old 03-11-2013, 06:32 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Okay I will admit I have been guilty of this. Growing up it was always my job to take care of others, even the adults in my life. I went without, if that meant without food or clothes or shelter, that's what it meant. It was ingrained in me that if I stood up for my own needs, not even wants, I was selfish.

So for years I would say or offer to be polite. I typically resented myself more than anyone else. It has taken A LOT to learn to say what I mean. It's something hubby and I both still work on in little ways. After realizing we have both hurt each other and working to heal that you feel a little like walking on egg shells. So now we just have to remind each other, I won't know, if you don't tell me, we won't learn to trust that we are honest with each other if we don't actually speak up and be honest!

Sadly, it was actually easier to start with the saying what you mean with strangers. I still get people that will apologize for upsetting me over things and I'll have to explain that I am seriously not upset, just stating how things look to me!
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  #16  
Old 03-11-2013, 09:16 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Sometimes, though, it is that it actually takes work and effort to know what it is that you really mean. MrS and I were always pretty good about being honest with each other (how we felt, what we thought, when we had a preference, etc.) but we came to an epiphany one day (about 4-5 years into our marriage) that sometimes you actually have to look at what you are asking for and determine if it is REALLY want you want - or if it is a symbol of what you want.

Our story went like this:
Every night I would ask him if he was ready to go to bed (because I was), and he would say "Just a minute, I just want to finish x." So I would wait...and wait...and fume...and wait. After I would ask him a few more times...or a good long time had elapsed...he would reluctantly head off to bed with me. At this point I would be fuming...because I had "waited" so long when I really should have been asleep already.

Eventually, the blow up happened - "Look MrS, if you don't want to go to bed then just SAY so instead of this 'just a minute' shit!" to which he replies "BUT, you keep asking, so I think that going to bed together is important to you - or you would just go to bed whenever you felt like it. And, I DO want to that, because it makes you happy...but I also want to finish this x. So I end up cutting off doing my x short so I can take you to bed and you are STILL not happy."

So, on the surface HE is "lying" with his "just a minute" routine...BUT, as we discussed the whys/wherefores a little further it turns out that I am "lying" too. It turns out that I don't actually care if we go to SLEEP at the same time - I am perfectly happy if he cuddles me for 10 minutes and then goes back to doing what he is doing. But it took a good deal of digging to actually figure that shit out.

After that, I don't ask if he is ready for bed - I ask for a "cuddle-tucking" - he gives me a firm answer on when he can take a "break" for 10-15 minutes (and if it's not for a while, I can decide whether to wait or not). Much better.

We are much better now at trying to figure out what we are actually asking for.

JaneQ

PS. There is also the case where your response to something simply DOES NOT match up with what you, in all honestly, expected your response to be. In which case I don't necessarily think you were "lying"...you were just "wrong." (We are human, it happens.) In that case, I think the sooner you acknowledge that you were wrong, the better.
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-11-2013 at 09:19 PM.
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  #17  
Old 03-11-2013, 11:14 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
In which case I don't necessarily think you were "lying"...you were just "wrong." (We are human, it happens.) In that case, I think the sooner you acknowledge that you were wrong, the better.
Okay, this is fair. I will take back any accusation of lying if the person says, "I'm sorry that I didn't think this through more, but I was mistaken/wrong earlier when I said "x". I really think/want "y"."

However, if someone is deliberately avoiding some self-examination of what they really want/think because they don't want to put out the effort, are scared of the answers, or whatever, then I go back to thinking poorly of them for not facing up to/ignoring what some niggling feeling told them they should do.
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  #18  
Old 03-12-2013, 12:45 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Okay, this is fair. I will take back any accusation of lying if the person says, "I'm sorry that I didn't think this through more, but I was mistaken/wrong earlier when I said "x". I really think/want "y"."
Actually, thank you very much for acknowledging this! I think that you have to realize that people are human, we make mistakes, and acknowledging those mistakes takes courage. At the same time, this is NOT an excuse for avoiding future self-reflection - if someone repeatedly takes this tactic then then I would worry about your next point:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
However, if someone is deliberately avoiding some self-examination of what they really want/think because they don't want to put out the effort, are scared of the answers, or whatever, then I go back to thinking poorly of them for not facing up to/ignoring what some niggling feeling told them they should do.
Then, at the very least, they are lying to themselves (I know, I've done it) - I know, I've done it. And, people should be called on it asap.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
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The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #19  
Old 03-13-2013, 06:50 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/0...-relationship/

I thought this was actually counter to what is commonly thought except for do these pants make me look fat type comment.
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  #20  
Old 03-13-2013, 07:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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No you look fat without any help from the pants?

I'm on the ipod, i'll check it out later.
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