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  #11  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:19 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't bothered about Karma and Pixi getting together so quickly after her husband died. I was also bothered about how she acted, she wasn't grieving in a manner I was used to. So I can see where you guys are coming from. But now that I've taken time to know her and her story, her history with her husband and his family, and realizing that we all grieve in our own ways, I can say I am bothered by the comments. I feel some need to take up arms and defend her even though I am aware she is completely capable of doing that on her own.

What details she chooses to give are hers to give, but I will say that she is grieving in her way. Her husbands choice was his. None of that is on her. There's a lot more to the their story and why he made his choice than just poly. Poly was the catalyst, the demons already existed and they had nothing to do with her.

Like I said, with the given information I can't blame many of you for your comments. But having talked with her at length and having brought my own concerns, including almost vetoing the relationship before it started, I can say that I am at peace with things.

There's little knowledge of what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe her choice of words made her appear cold and uncaring, but that is not truly the case. I hope that she can find the advice, warmth and community I found when I first came here three years ago, with a little less of the judgement.


I sent her this picture after she and I talked about things. It was a reminder to me that not everyone will grieve the same way or for the same things that I do. We're all individuals with our own unique story that is always being written and rewritten as we walk our own personal paths. It's not for us to judge how someone handles the death of someone they love.

Pixi-I really enjoyed our time last night. Looking forward to making dinner and a movie night a more regular thing. Thank you for the opportunity to express my concerns and being open to communicating and growing our relationship as metamours.
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  #12  
Old 04-02-2013, 08:33 PM
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PixiRosenThorne PixiRosenThorne is offline
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Hi guys! Im the resident sociopath you are so keen on talking about! Im really sad that we all came here to discuss polyamory and that the ONLY thing most of you can get out of the chunk of life I decided to share with complete strangers is how sick and twisted I am. It really warms my murderous heart, thank you. A simple, "sorry to hear that, glad everything is looking brighter for you" would have sufficed. How about this, the next time I feel like sharing myself with you I will write about all the tears, the heartache, the guilt, and the inevitable "I did this" that I suffered. Is that what you want? Is that what it is, you dont think Im suffering enough on the outside to please you? Im not openly admitting an ungodly pain that threatens to destroy my soul to a bunch of possibly (and now obviously) judgmental strangers? well Im here to tell you that I dont feel like being here for youre own ignorant focuses .

I wanted to come here, put my happy moments down for others to enjoy and seek out those who might have similar stories. I guess I really am young and naive to have thought this would be a place of support and comfort for those of us who travel the unbeaten path. Well, lesson learned. Thanks for listening to my story, now kindly get the hell off my page. I dont need to be talked about, condemned and experience everything else my husband did to me from you guys also.
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  #13  
Old 04-02-2013, 09:50 PM
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You know what Pixi, people will always judge what they don't understand and will more often than not project their own issues onto others. Be genuine to who you are and walk your life path with your head high. I'm really proud of you and the work we've put in to this.
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  #14  
Old 04-02-2013, 10:25 PM
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PixiRosenThorne PixiRosenThorne is offline
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thank you Mohegan! This whole thing has made me remember the type of person I could have been if I let my personal issues take over. I used to be just like apokylptk in my youth. Not just the trolling part, but where I would single out tiny things in conversations and feed on them to see how much attention I could have brought on myself. I found that it attracted very similar unwanted people, and many times chased away the real open minded friends I could have had. I do appreciate the genuine concern from the folk here about [I]how[I] i was handling his ultimate choice, and not how little I chose to share of it, or why it was such a horrible thing to move on. I dont dwell or wallow. It leads to worse things in my head. But I really dont need to explain this to anyone who has already decided not to listen.

Im really excited that Karma landed his job! Not only does this mean he will finally have something to do with all his energy, but that maybe he wont be such a vampire either. Early mornings tend to level ones head out quite a bit. And since this is actually my blog (Im pretty sure anyway), Im going to say a bit more about how happy I am in this new relationship. We had dinner together last night and Im sure you remember how stressed I was about doing this. Everything I have been through in my life is a first, thats how I look at it. Every new experience is .. well, new! I honestly dont know why I was so worked up or even remember what I expected to happen, but I think Karma's nervousness infinitely outweighed my own and thats what allowed me to relax and just be me. This entire time since it was mentioned I had a thought in my head that he's so ok because he's done this before. Poly is his thing, their thing. Ive never gone to a boyfriends house to hang out with his wife in their home. He's brought over girlfriends before, he knows the routine. It was relieving to see him forget how to cook, to see him blush a million times throughout the evening when Mohegan and I would speak about his little quirks and to know that in the end girls would be girls and he was the odd man out, not me as I had anticipated. Im really looking forward to the next time we can have a movie night, curled up on the couch with Karma in the middle. I know Im really focusing on him right now in this post but seeing as how he is our hinge, then it seems right. Im happy with Karma, and with the direction my relationship is going with Mohegan. So yes, things are going rather well.
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  #15  
Old 04-02-2013, 10:39 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Note:" The threads on the Blog board receive special treatment. Each thread is the personal blog of the user who started it. The blogs are *not* threads where open debate and criticism is expected. Think of the blogs as protected space, wherein the blog author can disallow any discussion posts that he or she doesn't like from others. Respect the blogs as protected space."


Without making a comment on the content of this blog, I did just want to note that my understanding was that this section of the site was to be handled differently than the other discussion sections. I was under the impression that anything posted in the Advice/Discussion areas was fair game for the general public to comment on as they see fit, but that within the Blog section the OP could expect a significantly higher amount of leeway in expressing themselves without being judged, attacked, or labeled.

Perhaps my impression was in error, but I am surprised to see this level of hostility allowed in the comments here, regardless of the subject matter. Perhaps it is the OP's task to police their own blog space and request offending comments be removed, but that then negates the instruction to commenters to "Respect the blogs as protected space." To me, that instruction means the people replying are expected to police themselves.
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  #16  
Old 04-02-2013, 11:50 PM
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ok, ok, everyone calm down. This has gone on long enough. Im pretty sure I did admit my faults, take my own words into account and offer them to be viewed. Somehow I dont think that by taking certain words out of context and throwing them back in the authors face is going to make the author regret anything she has posted. I know what I did, I alone know the whole story. The parts I chose to put here, I chose to. I know that when I write not everyone will see what I intend them to see or feel as I feel, but that is not a valid reason to start blaming me for my husbands death! And thats exactly what I feel has happened. Yes, I cheated on him when we were dating, yes, it was probably considered cheating when I was hanging out with my other guys despite not sleeping with them, but guess what. Im not ashamed of it. Yes it hurt my husband but at the same time, I knew I was never going to get his trust back so why continue to force myself into a position and a mindset that was unbearable to me? If my husband were here, the offer would still be there, come with me into a new world, on that you know I would be coming home to you in, one that I could get my sexual fix and still love you. But it didnt work that way. You want to know why my husband shot himself?! Its because he couldnt sleep. Every night he would stare at the ceiling and do nothing but relive 18 months in Iraq where he was a driver, where he dragged half of his best friends body back to the humvee, where it still continued to talk to him, wonder why he couldnt feel his legs and why his head was so light, half of a body asking why my husband was crying. He watched men, women, children, animals all blown up for sport, to see how high the American's helmet would fly and take bets on if the head was still in it when it landed. You want these details, I can give them too you. I couldnt live with it and neither could he. We stopped having sex, I wasnt allowed to see my friends, male or female. I wasnt allowed to go out unless he was with me and his PTSD made that impossible. I couldnt wear the clothes I wanted to because I was damned terrified someone would look at me and my husband would kill them. No, that is not an exaggeration. We stopped talking, going anywhere, sleeping next to each other, kissing, touching and even being next to eachother at holidays and for pictures. We werent going to fool ourselves.

So yes, I was very selfish for my acts, I never said that I wasnt. I never said that it did not lead to our downfall. But in the end, that was his choice. He never got help, never saw a councilor, never talked to anyone other than when he was 18 beers in and he could hear his dead friends singing with him to Pantera. He smiled then. He really wanted nothing more than to be dead and to be with them. I did not help his choice, but I did nothing to solidify it. I cannot stand to see a man suffer like he did. None of you here can say that you would rather be a slave to an insane man if you had a choice. I had a choice. I could hide my real self for the rest of my known life and watch him wither into a husk of a human body, or I could stand and walk away for my own self, so that I wasnt dragged down with him. I took my road. It is mine and there is no one on Earth who can tell me that what I did to save myself was wrong.

Im not immune to what his family goes through. Hell, at the viewing his sister escorted her children out of every room I walked into making sure to say, "Dont talk to her, dont look at her, just keep going." as they passed. A mother teaching her children that in sadness, prejudice is the best reaction. They dont speak to me. They think I pulled the trigger. They refuse to acknowledge everything he suffered and he was the best man in the world for not telling them, not making them worry. I speak to his grandfather, a retired Marine Vet. on a regular basis. He is the only one in that family who will ever understand what Chris and I went through. He tells me to move on, keep my head up and dont let any ignorant twats get in my way. I cant imagine the pain they feel, and they will never be able to imagine mine. And know what apokylptk, Im crying right now because this fucking hurts! You ignorant fuck! Dont ever tell me that I will not take responsibility for what I do. You dont know me, or how this feels, or the shit that I put up with to even wake up in the morning to get out of bed. Karma is the one who was there for me through EVERYTHING. He was literally the first person I told when Chris pulled the trigger. He understands. He has literally held my hand while I cried, while I raged and spat curses at the world. He has taken my punches and soothed weapons of self harm away from me. THAT is why I am with him. That is why I came here. This isnt a girlish fancy, this is my real life. Ive finally found someone(s) who will take me for me, I dont have to lie, to hide, to cheat, to cower or pretend anymore. Im done with it. The anger I have at Chris for taking his own life, for copping out is far greater than my ability to see past it. Im furious at him, I dont think that I can ever forgive him. Karma and Mohegan see this, they feel it in me when I let them. So go ahead, call me an uncaring sociopath again, because after this i will not acknowledge you or anyone else who presumes judgement on me.
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  #17  
Old 04-03-2013, 12:18 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm sorry about all this, PRT. Sorry about what you've gone through and what you're still going through. Yes, you messed up. So have I. So have a lot of people. I've cheated before, and I learned from that experience. It's not good but it's human. In the end, it sounds like it came down to this -- after a long and deeply difficult period, you told him you didn't love him, and eventually he killed himself. Well, what were your supposed to do, lie indefinitely and pretend you did still love him? That's no solution. You were in a real bind, and now his choice has left you in an awful position. I too have a loved one in my life who is ex-military and who suffers from depression and who won't get treatment, and the idea that ge might someday give up is one of my greatest fears in life. One can become a prisoner to that fear, and that's not fair or right. I'm kind of rambling now, but, yeah, it's not a decision you made. It was his, and it's very healthy of you to recognize that.

I'll admit I was definitely thrown off by how you presented things too, but SoL is right, the blogs are supposed to be a safe space. That's why, if I'd felt like speaking up, I would have done it by saying something like "The way you've presented this all comes off pretty coldly. I hate to ask, because I don't want to accuse someone of being this callous, but... DO you care about your husband's suicide, or do you just embrace the chance to be free?" I didn't choose to say that, because it really did seem like a cruel question, so for someone to come here and not ask questions, but rather throw out intense accusations, is really not ok at all.
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  #18  
Old 04-03-2013, 01:01 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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It really hurts me that you had to put that out there. But I hope others who passed judgement are able to understand now. When we first found out and Karma was so angry I told him that sometimes suicide is the only way to kill the demons and while that hurts the living, we have to move forward knowing someone we love is no longer in that constant pain and constantly fighting those demons. Yes it hurts the living, but sometimes it's the only path available.

Regardless of his choice or what part anyone played, you are here now and you need to live your life.

AnnabelMore-Your approach was more of what I was expecting. When Karma and I first joined here, that was the approach I received from many people here. We are reading text sometimes we need some clarification. Thank you for your approach.

Pixi-I hope this all ends now and you can continue here under less stressful conditions and get the type of experience we got. And regardless of anyone else's opinion, I'm glad that we've gotten to know each other and I'm glad you're with my husband. I can honestly say that out of his girlfriends, you're the one I have most enjoyed getting to know. Because the raw honesty is there and you don't hide behind a mask. You are who you are with no apologies and that is something I deeply respect.
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  #19  
Old 04-03-2013, 01:26 AM
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PixiRosenThorne PixiRosenThorne is offline
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I concur. AnnabelMore, your question is completely acceptable and I would have appreciated it. It would have made me look back on what I wrote and how in order to analyze it better so that I could have answered. I have no problems against questions, its the bold finger pointing and name calling, labeling that I have trouble with, as well as others on here obviously. In any case I probably needed to get all that out anyway, this was just a drawn out catalyst for it.
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  #20  
Old 04-03-2013, 01:26 AM
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I'm not going to presume to speak for Pixi, but on my end, questions and clarifications are always welcome. There is a reason I didn't get offended by any of the other posts made in this blog, other than one persons. They were questions and observations, not attacks. AnnabelMore, you have the right idea.
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