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  #1  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:28 PM
juanvaldez76 juanvaldez76 is offline
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Hi all,

A bit of background and then a long post so my apologies.... my wife and I have been together for 15 years and have 2 kids, 12 and 7.... we are very much in love and plan on staying that way.

About 6 months ago we moved to the country... my wife "K" is a stay-at-home Mom and became very lonely and depressed in the new house as she missed being close to people and felt very isolated and alone and felt that her life was becoming meaningless now that the kids were both in school full time and that her only purpose in life was to be at home for the kids and I.

I used to go online a lot and flirt and chat with other women as a fun thing to do.... K didn't mind as long as I wasn't doing it in front of her. One day she came to me and asked if I'd mind if she joined me.... we ended up talking about it and discovered that we both enjoyed the thrill of exhibitionism... we also decided that it would be fun to spice things up in the bedroom and joined a site so we could experience swinging and/or adding a third person to our fun. K was very concerned about not wanting to feel like she was just being used so she made it very clear to me from the start that she wanted to develop a conection with someone if we did this so that she could feel like he/she/they actually cared about her and respected her... to which I agreed.

She began chatting with "M" and they immediately developed one of those "I feel like I've known you forever" kind of friendships... we figured that this would be perfect... after exchaging texts and emails for a month they decided to meet to see if the chemistry would also be there in person... and boy was it ever.... they began being intimate almost right away.

At first I was shocked and hurt that she would do this without me. She told me that it felt normal and right to her to be doing this alone so I asked if she could involve me by recording some of the things that they did so I would feel like I was still part of it and thought that maybe if she knew I'd be watching later, it would help her feel more comfortable and we could transition this into something that all 3 of us were involved in. She did do that a few times and I enjoyed it but for her it felt like she was doing it for me and not for her and she didn't like that feeling.

Anyway, it has now been almost 3 months and they have definitely taken their relationship to another level. I know that he is only temporary as he is leaving town come September and I know 100% that she is not interested in leaving me or abandoning our marriage or our family.

I have had my ups and downs dealing with this... I know that being with him makes her very happy and has helped take away the depression and loneliness feelings that she had before and I really like that... but then the thought of them being intimate in a way that I'm not involved in makes me hurt and sometimes jealous... especially since we have had some very rocky times recently while I was trying to adapt to this new reality and we have become more distant with each other due to me freaking out and her not knowing if I'm going to stay or leave.... so much so where although we get along great in most aspects of our lives together, our sex life has suffered because she has lost a lot of that "connection" feeling with me.

I still have my good days and my bad days.... I know he is a nice guy that treats her really well.... I know that they have become good friends that like hanging out and enjoying each other's company... and I know that although she may have feelings for him, I'm still the one she loves and wants to be married to.... I just need to work on my insecurities and my jealousy of what they are doing.... finding this forum and reading through it has definitely helped as I now realize that I'm not alone and other people have similar relationships so that has been a big help.

And I know that being with both of us makes her feel happy and fulfilled.. and that if I can accept what she is doing and get our relationship back to where it should be then we will all be happy.

Anyway, sorry for the super long post but this is the first place I've found where I can talk about it without being judged so thanks for reading

Last edited by juanvaldez76; 04-10-2013 at 03:42 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:38 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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That's a good story. I love the way you talk and communicate.

Have you asked for more time with her, and has she been responsive?
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  #3  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:44 PM
juanvaldez76 juanvaldez76 is offline
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We do spend a lot of time together actually.... she only sees M maybe once and sometimes twice a week depending on our schedules... but other than that they talk a lot over text and email.... but she and I do spend most evenings together snuggling on the couch and watching TV so it's not like I feel abandoned or anything
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Old 04-10-2013, 03:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why is being involved in what she has with someone else so important to you? Do you think it would give you some sense of control, or that you are protecting her? Is there some mistrust you have? Do you feel like she invaded your online fun and took it to an extreme you weren't ready for?

If I were you, I would keep asking myself questions to drill down and understand the underlying belief system and feelings you have that feed into your hurt over this. Remember -- she didn't hurt you. You feel hurt. Take responsibility for that, and don't give in to telling yourself you are a victim. You went into this situation willingly. Feeling hurt is usually a response to a thought process that is deeply ingrained in us. You don't have to feel hurt, but in order to extricate yourself from the discomfort of the feelings you have, you need to keep up with the self-examination, look at old beliefs that no longer serve you, see if it brings up familiar hurts from the past, get to understand how your mind works. And keep talking, talking, talking with her.

I also wonder why you want to get your relationship back to where it was. You can't unring a bell. It will never be the same. Never. Life is not static, we are all always moving, changing, growing. The sooner that you accept this, the more at peace you will be. Look, you can choose to be miserable and hurt or you can choose to see your life as a new adventure and the change on the dynamic of your relationship as the next exciting step on the path.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 04-10-2013, 03:49 PM
juanvaldez76 juanvaldez76 is offline
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Good points nyc.... make me think.....Feeling involved was/is important for me because we had originally agreed to try swinging or threesomes as a way to experience this together and instead it evolved into her and M alone.... so I think I feel like I want to be involved because I feel left out that she is in another relationship and I'm not? I don't know... like I said it's still a very new situation and I'm trying to figure things out and adjust.... maybe I don't need to be involved and I just need to accept... maybe she wants me to be involved in some way?

And when I said that I want to get things back between her and I all I meant was re-establish that intimate connection which has been damaged by my hurt feelings.... not rewind and pretend like this never happened... sorry for the confusion
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Old 04-10-2013, 03:53 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by juanvaldez76 View Post
We do spend a lot of time together actually.... she only sees M maybe once and sometimes twice a week depending on our schedules... but other than that they talk a lot over text and email.... but she and I do spend most evenings together snuggling on the couch and watching TV so it's not like I feel abandoned or anything
One of the the reasons I ventured into online chatting was that my wife has a limit on the amount of affection she can take. Then she routes her attention to other activities like books and computer games. It's how she relaxes and escapes.

I was jealous of them (books and games) for a long, long time, but then I realized I had to take ownership of myself. It's not her job to entertain me. If I need attention, I have to go out and get it.

In a situation where you've agreed to it already, I recommend concentrating on the fact that she could be doing anything with her free time. Because she's spending it on another man should be immaterial. Of course "should" and "is" are two different things, and I have those issues with my girlfriend all the time, but I'm getting better!
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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  #7  
Old 04-10-2013, 04:03 PM
juanvaldez76 juanvaldez76 is offline
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I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing that they are being intimate alone with each other.... and some days I'm fine with it and other days I'm not.... some days I like hearing details and other days I don't....sometimes I like the fact that she has involved me and sometimes I don't like it....

I know it's my feelings that I have to work on because the only thing she doesn't like is how it is making me feel.... but that's me making me feel that way, not her
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Old 04-10-2013, 04:09 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by juanvaldez76 View Post
I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing that they are being intimate alone with each other.... and some days I'm fine with it and other days I'm not.... some days I like hearing details and other days I don't....sometimes I like the fact that she has involved me and sometimes I don't like it....

I know it's my feelings that I have to work on because the only thing she doesn't like is how it is making me feel.... but that's me making me feel that way, not her
I do sympathize. I wish I knew what my triggers were. Some of it is that T doesn't tell me, and I wonder if she's with them when she's not available to me.

One night she spent with G and I was ok with it prior to going to sleep. However, I started waking up at 4am, and barely slept the rest of the night. I wasn't anxious but I wasn't comfortable either. Then last weekend I was a mess, but it was due to poor communication. I should still have been more understanding.
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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  #9  
Old 04-10-2013, 04:16 PM
juanvaldez76 juanvaldez76 is offline
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Now I can sympathize with you... the first few weeks I was barely able to sleep when she was out.... I assume it was anxiety and the fact that I had no idea what she was doing and that uncertainty was driving me nuts.... but I can sleep now... I think the more she tells me and the more honest she is with me the less worried I am
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Old 04-10-2013, 04:17 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by juanvaldez76 View Post
Now I can sympathize with you... the first few weeks I was barely able to sleep when she was out.... I assume it was anxiety and the fact that I had no idea what she was doing and that uncertainty was driving me nuts.... but I can sleep now... I think the more she tells me and the more honest she is with me the less worried I am
So true! It's the uncertainty that drives me crazy; not the acts.
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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