Hello

Hello

I've been interested in poly for more than a decade, but have only been in monogamous relationships until the last few years. Strangely enough, because I started dating kind of late, I've actually been interested in poly longer than I've been dating.

My last relationship was ambiguously open. We talked about both wanting openness and not being possessive and being free to see other people, but we weren't the best communicators and never said much else about boundaries or what kind of relationship we were in. She started seeing another couple, but didn't tell me much about it, and I didn't ask. I got pretty jealous, things were uncomfortable between them, etc. :(

After a year of being alone, I've started dating someone new in August, and we established from the first date that we both want it to be non-monogamous. We're doing pretty well so far, but it's new for both of us, so I thought "Hey, I'll join this forum and see what advice and ideas I can get." :)

Some issues I hadn't expected:

Relationship styles - She's more interested in a serious primary relationship with more casual things on the side? More "open" than "poly". For myself, I've always imagined polyamory with a few serious partners and not really any "hierarchy". Hmmm.

Inequality - She has a lot of other dudes, but I don't have any other ladies. Sometimes I feel like I'm "getting the short end of the stick". Of course that's not her fault or anything, it's just easy to feel insecure. In fact, she's been limiting what she does to make it easier on me, but that makes me feel guilty that she's missing out on good things because of my insecurity.
 
Welcome to the forum. What I can say upfront is it's ALL about communication so, you both should constantly work on building the lines of communication with each other. It would also be a good idea to write out what your needs are in the relationship you have with each other and make sure you both understand those needs and are willing to accommodate them. I believe a big part of this relationship style is balance. She will have to work to find it amongst her multiple partners so that no one feels like they are 'getting the short end of the stick' but the partners have to learn to be more selfless and patient as well. It's definitely a process and, who knows, you may soon find an additional, suitable female partner to share yourself with. I look forward to checking in on your journey.
 
Thanks for the response.

We've started writing out some rules, though it's mostly just notes and proposals so far. Maybe "rules" isn't the best word?

My attitude will change wildly from one hour to the next, which is frustrating for me and probably for her. Earlier tonight I was happy and secure and told her I wanted her to see this guy again (she has not been seeing anyone else for a few weeks). But a few hours later after she finished talking about all her prospects, I felt jealous and insecure again. It's totally irrational, and I know this while I'm feeling it, but I can't keep it in check.

I may have a date myself next week, though. :) Not someone I was considering as a prospect. We'll see.
 
Well, I hope everything goes well. Yea...I would say to take the time to really reflect within yourself about those emotions you are feeling. I believe that, more times than not, our negative emotions are based off of a lack of communication or a lack of raw truth about mindset and/or past experiences with self.
 
That one got canceled but tonight I went on one with someone different who I've had a crush on for years. It went pretty well! My girlfriend's on a date with someone new, too. I suspect hers is going even more well, but it's ok.
 
I suspect hers is going even more well, but it's ok.

Why is that? Is it a competition? Those are questions that when answered honestly will help you move past these feelings. :)

Good luck and keep us posted.
 
Why is that? Is it a competition? Those are questions that when answered honestly will help you move past these feelings. :)

It feels that way. I was optimistic and excited about how well my first date with someone else had gone, but then when my girlfriend got home much later and told me about hers and how well it went, it kind of snuffed out my mood. "You didn't even kiss her? Why not? Are you sure she's into you? We had a good date and made out and he wanted me to come home with him, but we're postponing it til next week. I'm really excited about him!"

:/

Interestingly, though, this guy is in an open relationship, and feels the same way as me. His girlfriend has a lot of dates and he hasn't had many, and it also makes him feel inadequate. :)
 
BIG RED FLAG!!! Def sounds like your gf is MAKING it a competition!! I think you guys needs to sit down and have a very open and honest conversation about what exactly you both are looking for.
 
It's not really that she's making it a competition. It's that I feel like I can't keep up with her.

We have conversations all the time. :) I think we're pretty good at communicating. Better than my last relationship, at least. I mentioned "it feels like a competition" today, and she said "no no. you like her. she likes you. i just want you to kiss her already". She's frustrated with me because she thinks I'm not living up to my own potential?

Last week she saw a guy she's seen before, then her ex visited for a few days, then Tuesday had a date with another guy but he canceled, then yesterday a date with a new guy that went well, and just now she told me about another new one who has asked her out. Meanwhile I've only gone on a single date with someone else in the 4 months that we've been dating. She's not doing anything wrong, and it's not her fault; the disparity is just overwhelming. :/
 
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I see. Well for starters I think it's easier to find a man that's willing to be a bit more open about this lifestyle than women. I lucked out when I found our gf, but aside from her, there aren't too many women out there keen on the idea of my lifestyle.

I think it's nice that she's trying to be supportive, but I think maybe she needs to go about it a different way? Telling you that you're not living up to your potential isn't necessarily a great way to give someone a pat on the back. And, while I know she's not doing anything wrong, maybe she can slow down a bit more so you can feel a bit more comfortable? I know that may not seem fair, but one thing I learned in this lifestyle is that you have to go at the pace of the slowest individual.
 
I see. Well for starters I think it's easier to find a man that's willing to be a bit more open about this lifestyle than women. I lucked out when I found our gf, but aside from her, there aren't too many women out there keen on the idea of my lifestyle.

Yeah, most of the couples I've talked to, the woman has more dates than the man. :/ I already had trouble finding dates because I'm so shy. Now it's going to be even harder.

I think it's nice that she's trying to be supportive, but I think maybe she needs to go about it a different way? Telling you that you're not living up to your potential isn't necessarily a great way to give someone a pat on the back.

Yeah.

And, while I know she's not doing anything wrong, maybe she can slow down a bit more so you can feel a bit more comfortable? I know that may not seem fair, but one thing I learned in this lifestyle is that you have to go at the pace of the slowest individual.

She was already doing that, though. She keeps volunteering to limit herself to make it easier on me, but then I just feel guilty. She hadn't seen anyone else in several weeks, so I suggested the date she went on last Tuesday, and felt 100% good about it, but then she just followed through with a bunch of other ones, too. It's fine; I just need reassurance or something. Or I need to learn to be more aggressive myself, which I wanted to do anyway.
 
Ok, well there are two things that you said you needed. Maybe she could work on trying to reassure you better? Come to some sort of happy medium.

As far as being more aggressive, this is a great opportunity to figure out how to do that in a fashion that works best for you.

Good luck!! :)
 
So we've been together over a year. We love each other, things are good. But this continues to be just as bad as ever. She gets home from work and complains that she is "being assaulted on all sides ... so many boys ... its overwhelming".

Yeah, um, I know. :/

I haven't been on a date in months, I get up the nerve to first contact some girls on OkC, and no responses, no stalkers. She says I shouldn't compare myself to others, I'm too picky, etc., but some of her boys are equally busy with other girls, and I can't help but compare myself with them.

How do I stop feeling bad about this? It is pretty bizarre to be cuddling with an awesome girl and still feel lonely because you can't get a date with a second girl. :D
 
I haven't been on a date in months, I get up the nerve to first contact some girls on OkC, and no responses, no stalkers. She says I shouldn't compare myself to others, I'm too picky, etc., but some of her boys are equally busy with other girls, and I can't help but compare myself with them.

As long as you're comparing yourself to your girlfriend and to these other guys your initial emails are going to probably sound desperate (no matter how much you don't want them to). Sometimes taking a step back and just enjoying life is a good thing. Contact those on OKC who you are truly interested in (and not just because they're female, poly and in the right age bracket) and then go out and do things that you like to do. Don't worry about whether contact with women is going to lead to a date or not. Once you're really into you you'll find that other people are into you as well.
 
Ok, now I'm upset. And by that I mean "worried" or "sick to stomach", not "angry". (I don't get angry easily, unless I feel I have been wronged in some way.)

She had a brunch first date with A on Friday, it went well and they kissed, but she was not 100% impressed with him. This kind of date makes me feel relief. That she is into someone but not so much it is threatening. ideally, this would make me feel disappointment for her instead

Wednesday I saw her and she told me about the date in person, which is always reassuring.

Thursday she had a brunch first date with B, and it went better than most, they have "strong chemistry" and made out. She hasn't told me much about the date, probably waiting until we're together today to give me a play-by-play. She hadn't talked about him much before this, so I barely know anything about this guy. Does he know about me? Is he poly? If so, does he have experience with it or is he just trying it out for the first time? After work, A wanted to see her, but she postponed because she is so enamored with B now.

Last night she went out drinking with coworkers, which was a planned thing I knew about, but then "ran into" B afterward and made out. "he was very respectful of my wishes to not go home with him etc." though they planned to see each other after work tomorrow, which I assume is not just a casual date.

She wrote me about it immediately when she got home, and is following our rule of no sex with new people until we've discussed it. She reassures me saying we will talk more about it and she cannot wait to see me today and loves me. But I am still upset.

She has a lot of dates, so many I can't keep track of who is who. (She can't even keep track of them all sometimes, or fit them into her schedule.) I will be worried and insecure about A, and then a few days later A isn't important and B is suddenly the one she's crushing on instead, and I am not prepared for it? I am overwhelmed. She moves much faster than me and is more aggressive and forward.

I haven't had a date since April, and when I was dating, I'd go on 2 or 3 dates with a girl without ever kissing. I am very shy.
I'm sorry, but I can't not compare myself to her. It's impossible. I have to compare myself to the guys she's seeing too. They are also doing just as well. And I can't contact or date new girls if I'm depressed or insecure.

This is not working well for me. I clearly have needs that are not being met, but I don't know what they specifically are or what to ask for. She is following all our rules and trying to be proactive about communication and reassurance. But any time a date goes really well I am nervous and worried instead of feeling compersion or happiness for her.

(Should I be posting under new threads instead of in the introduction forum?)
 
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As long as you're comparing yourself to your girlfriend and to these other guys your initial emails are going to probably sound desperate (no matter how much you don't want them to).

I know this. This is why I have stopped trying to message them. I don't know how to create confidence out of nothing, and if I try to fake it, it will not work, and if I message without confidence, I will make a bad first impression, which can be unrecoverable. My messages are too sober and matter of fact. I need to be fun and flirty and witty like I used to be, but I can't just squeeze it out if I'm in bad moods.

Sometimes taking a step back and just enjoying life is a good thing. Contact those on OKC who you are truly interested in (and not just because they're female, poly and in the right age bracket) and then go out and do things that you like to do. Don't worry about whether contact with women is going to lead to a date or not. Once you're really into you you'll find that other people are into you as well.

It's a dating site. It will be a date, whether we pretend otherwise or not.
 
As expected, her "running into him" was more like "we were texting all night and decided to meet up at 3 am, which I normally would never do because it's so late, but I was drunk".

I hate it when she downplays things like that. :( Just be honest, even if it's bad, and I'll know you're at least trying to be honest with me and are committed to me.

Ok, so now I am mad at her for actively meeting up with him. We are supposed to tell each other as much as possible about dates beforehand. That can't happen with spontaneous things like this. Spontaneous coffee friendly dates are ok as long as I hear about them afterward, but this is not that kind of date.
 
(Should I be posting under new threads instead of in the introduction forum?)

Yes, I think so. The "New to Poly" forum would be more appropriate. I suggest you PM a mod (Neon Kaos or Red Pepper) and ask them to split this thread starting from your 9/13/11 post.
 
As expected, her "running into him" was more like "we were texting all night and decided to meet up at 3 am, which I normally would never do because it's so late, but I was drunk".

I hate it when she downplays things like that. :( Just be honest, even if it's bad, and I'll know you're at least trying to be honest with me and are committed to me.

Ok, so now I am mad at her for actively meeting up with him. We are supposed to tell each other as much as possible about dates beforehand. That can't happen with spontaneous things like this. Spontaneous coffee friendly dates are ok as long as I hear about them afterward, but this is not that kind of date.

Yes, I agree she is breaking boundaries. Broken boundaries increase jealousy. Firm agreed upon and acted upon boundaries increase trust and compersion.

She doesn't even sound polyamorous to me, but more into "poly-fuckery," which is fine, but call it like it is. She must be a cute, flirty, sexy girl into drinking and partying, and boys are drawn to her like moths to flame. No doubt it's fun for her, the ego strokes, the sexual stimulation, the tipsiness, the dancing. The NRE.

Does this suit you?
 
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