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Old 11-12-2010, 02:18 PM
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Hi all. I just met a man online this week. He knows that I'm poly and he knows that I have a boyfriend. He is okay with this. He wants to meet up and so do I. I guess I would like to know a few things.

This is the first time I have met someone online that lives in town and actually is interested in me. So I am not sure how to go about telling my boyfriend that I am ready to meet him and possibly let things get physical.

My bf and I both have seen other people but they were people we knew before hand, friends that we already around. This is the first time I want to be with someone he has no ties to.

I'm not sure if this new guy online will be more than just a friend with perks or and actual committed relationship. I would be happy just being friends. We met because of our dogs. We were both online looking for training and walking partners. It just so happened that he is as hot as hot can get and he's also attracted to me.

Yesterday I told him that I would be at a park we both use a lot. Not to really meet but if he was going to be around he was more than welcomed to drive by. I spend time at this park everyday so I didn't think much of it. He did drive by. He got out for a second to meet my dog and I shook his hand.

Then he left to go to work. I was not more than 3 minutes.

Here's the problem: I did not mention it to my bf. I didn't want to really, not until I was sure this new guy was an actual real person. We both want to make plans for our dogs to meet within the next few days. I'm just afraid that my bf will not approve for some reason, like him being okay with the poly stuff was just a jinx. This is the first time I will actually want to be with another man, other than my friend in Seattle, and I'm just worried my bf will change his mind about everything.

I did tell him about the new guy yesterday (but not about the park). He knows that I am into him. He seemed a little put off when I told him. I asked him if he was okay but he kind of didn't talk much about it. He had just gotten home and was moving around a lot, so we didn't have a full convo about it. So I don't know what to think. Maybe I will ask the new guy to meet this weekend with our dogs, since that was the reason we met up online in the first place.


Should I just blurt all of this out to my bf now? I have read around and some of you guys have mentioned that you don't tell your SO about a potential new romance or partner until you are sure you want (and they want) to try anything.

I'm sure that I want to hang with this new guy, and get physical. So I'm just worried I'll be told no by my bf, which opens up a whole new can of worms.

My idea of "my poly" is to be able to see others with support from my primary bf, but what if he doesn't like this new guy? Is it really his place to tell me who I can see? Crap, sorry for all the random issues, But any input would be nice.
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Old 11-12-2010, 02:22 PM
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Another note: I'm a rusher. I rush into everything, video games, bike riding, new projects... etc. It's just the way I am. This new guy is the same. If I see something I want I work to get it, and fast. My bf is different. He's what gamer folks (yes I'm a dork) call a "camper". He sits and plans and over plans and plans some more before he makes a move. So I wonder if he would be worried just because he doesn't understand my social skills. This guy online has some qualities that my bf and I don't share. I don't want this to make my bf feel any less cared for and wanted, but it is nice to talk to someone that shares the same ideas as me.
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:32 PM
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Should I just blurt all of this out to my bf now? I have read around and some of you guys have mentioned that you don't tell your SO about a potential new romance or partner until you are sure you want (and they want) to try anything.

.
I think you should at least tell your boyfriend that you are meeting a guy to hang at the park with your dogs. There's a bit of potential deceit in the making by not talking to him about this because the two of you (the other guy) already know you are exploring each other; be honest with yourself in that and be honest with your boyfriend.
I know the beginning signs of a potentially "less than disclosed" relationship...and this is it.

Good luck and take care
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:49 PM
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Problem solved. I just told my bf. he didn't say much. I told him that me and the new guy will be meeting up this weekend, with the dogs. He's okay with it. I was just worried because it's still new to us. We've talked about being open all this time but when something actually happens it feels totally different then what I had in mind. Thanks for the reply, I needed to hear it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:39 PM
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Problem solved. I just told my bf. he didn't say much. I told him that me and the new guy will be meeting up this weekend, with the dogs. He's okay with it. I was just worried because it's still new to us. We've talked about being open all this time but when something actually happens it feels totally different then what I had in mind. Thanks for the reply, I needed to hear it.
Hopefully you are breathing easier now. In my opinion it will give you a better foundation if you talk first and often. Glad to hear he's ok with it
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:07 PM
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Hopefully you are breathing easier now. In my opinion it will give you a better foundation if you talk first and often. Glad to hear he's ok with it
Agreed on this - honesty is always the best policy, IMHO, and from a man's perspective, I'd ALWAYS rather know than not, even if I didn't like the guy.
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Old 11-13-2010, 01:48 PM
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Hey guys. All is well today. I asked my bf a few more times just make sure he was okay with everything. He just wants me to be safe. It's strange. I know what I would like to imagine myself as when I think about the type of relationships I want, but now that I am actually able to express myself for the first time while being in a committed relationship some of my ideas have changed. Is it possible to be in a poly type relationship and not also be considered open? I know these are just words but I feel as if in order to find good partners I have to be more "open" then "poly" .... at first. does that make any sense?
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Old 11-13-2010, 02:35 PM
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.......... Is it possible to be in a poly type relationship and not also be considered open? I know these are just words but I feel as if in order to find good partners I have to be more "open" then "poly" .... at first. does that make any sense?
Hey GC,

yea - try not to get wound up in terminology and labels. It only confuses what should be simple.

Remember - a lot of these terms are not exclusive and have a lot of overlap at times. Poly, open, swinging, .........even mono LOL.

Poly is very much a philosophy/belief system. Many people who 'believe' in it can't live it and many people who are living it never heard the term !

'Open' is a different term and has no linear connection to 'poly'. So make sure you and BF (and anyone else in the future) have a clear agreement of what THAT term even means. For some it means total independence and no responsibility to share information. For others it may only mean that forming new connections is allowed/expected but there's an underlying assumption that there will be an approval process. And all manner of variances in between those two extremes.
So...what do YOU mean by open - and what does it mean to your BF ?

Because in a broad, general sense, poly IS open by nature. By the definition that connections are not expected to be exclusive. But the pursuing of those relationships - when & how - has to be defined clearly so that everyone is on the same page.

Glad I saw somewhere in the thread that the point of SAFETY came up. Your BF is on track by having that as concern # 1, and as you press for your independence (openness) he's justifiably going to a LEAST want to know that you are operating in safe mode before anything else. Meeting total strangers in a park, depending on your location and park, could be considered risky.

Does any of that make sense ?
Common sense hopefully !

GS
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:23 PM
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Is it possible to be in a poly type relationship and not also be considered open? I know these are just words but I feel as if in order to find good partners I have to be more "open" then "poly"
I'm trying to understand your direction in this Girlcaleb so please be patient with my wondering thoughts. I am getting the feeling you would like more autonomy in exploring relationships. That you would like to be able to pursue interests more "privately" to see if they are worth putting the effort into bringing them forth to your boyfriend.

Some people view open relationships as being much more free to have random encounters when they arise and may not even include disclosure to your other partner(s).

Has some of the excitement been taken away from meeting this guy because of the communication with your boyfriend?
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Old 11-14-2010, 01:09 PM
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Has some of the excitement been taken away from meeting this guy because of the communication with your boyfriend?

Yes, and no. I do actually get a thrill out of knowing that I can share this with my boyfriend. It makes me feel whole and safe. At the same time I am thinking of all my past relationships and being terrified at the thought of my bf's rejection of any other partners I may have, mainly partners that are different from him (this guy is his complete opposite).

You are also right about where I am with my poly vs open issue. I do want more freedom to explore but I have a hard time figuring out when is the right time to mention any progress, and I mean ANY, to my bf. I fall fast and easy so I have crushes on folks all the time. I don't always feel the need to let him know because I never do anything about these crushes. The only times I have done anything my BF knew about it all from the start. Mainly because one guy was a good friend of his and the other man was a partner I have had for a few years now, before I met my bf.

This is the first time someone outside of our circle has shown any interest in me. As I mentioned before, I put an ad out for a dog group. The new guy, I'll call him Hunter, well, Hunter was one of three or four guys that answered. I did not tell my guy that I put out an add because it was related to my dog. He knows that I have been looking for walking and training partners. The only problem was that Hunter turned out to be very attractive and our dogs are on the same level. Hunter also shares some of my views about sex and, don't laugh, obsessive cleaning.

So, I kind of flipped out. Here's this awesome guy. He wants to hang out with our dogs but he also let me know that he was attracted to me and would like to explore, if I were interested. Of course I am.

So, because I didn't put out an ad for a romance (something I would have told my bf about from the get go) I felt as if I had skipped a step somehow, and not on purpose. And skipping that step screwed with my head and my emotions. As soon as I realized what was going on I freaked. I had this guilty feeling that I couldn't stand. I didn't know when to mentioned Hunter to my bf, I didn't know what to say.

I finally just said, "hey, I met someone and he's awesome..." that's how the convo started with my bf. (after reading your first reply, thanks btw)

I will say that my bf is the type of guy that doesn't want too much info about my other guys. So I never know what he's thinking really. I am totally comfortable with my bf telling me any and everything about girls he may deal with. it's just the way I am. He is still new to some of this so he can't handle all the info.

So, yes, I would like a little more freedom but at the same time I need my bf to keep me grounded and in reality. wow, didn't see myself typing this much so early.
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