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  #11  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:43 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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One of the most valuable lessons in dealing with other people was something I learned on an online game. It was a MUD (kind of like World of Warcraft but text based) and I would adventure with one of my friends fron another school. I would usually get on, read the forums in game and take care of any inventory stuff. Then i would see who was on. If i saw her, I would say something to her.

However, she usually saw me online first and would be the first to say "hello." She once told me that it bothered her that she was always first to greet me. So I told her what I did and said I would look for her online first and say hello to her.

She said that was not what she wanted. I couldn't understand. I just solved the problem and I would be saying hello to her first. She said that part was unimportant. What she really wanted to know was that I did want to talk to her when I got online. She said she just needed to get her feelings heard and the typical guy response is to try to fix it when all she wanted was to talk about how she felt.

With this new knowledge, I was about to understand a lot more things my girlfriend was telling me. So I learned it is ok to talk about a problem with the intent is just to communicate and not fix.
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  #12  
Old 06-27-2009, 08:41 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Thanks Mono...is it possible to ask him ? I don't know if he's a member here on this board.
hi Mark... I asked him about this and he said that he usually waits to see if his feelings in general are about our situation in some way or are more about the paradigm of the mono culture we all grew up in. Often times it is his old mono paradigm seeping in and when he thinks of our lives together he is reassured.
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  #13  
Old 06-27-2009, 09:42 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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I'd also like to suggest that your wife try writing a journal. Sometimes when I'm angry, I think it's about one thing but later realize that it's about another. I've found that if I start writing it down--especially in a letter to the person I'm angry with--I end up at a completely different destination than I thought I was headed to. And every once in a while I find a solution that works while I'm venting my spleen. And, best of all, if I'm not proud of the emotions expressed in the letter, it can be destroyed. I got my feelings out, I might have figured out what was really wrong or found a solution, and then the hurtful things can be thrown away. You can still communicate, but it makes it easier to say things in a way that doesn't hurt your loved ones. It's really helped my husband and I communicate--I tend to go off on tangents when I'm angry, so nothing gets resolved. But writing it all down kind of highlights what's really important and what's just venting. He says he loves reading my letters, even the angry ones, because it helps him see how my mind works. And we've been married 19 years...so it's kind nice that we're finally figuring this out. :P
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  #14  
Old 07-23-2009, 08:52 AM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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sounds to me like maybe your wife is facing an impossible choice and feeling powerless, mark. Did I understand you right that you decided you wanted to try poly? Maybe she doesn't really want a triad but she doesn't want to lose you either. Either way she's screwed. I had this sort of anger when my former partner decided to move to the other side of the world, knowing that i wanted to stay here. I had a choice but it wasn't much of a choice. I didn't feel like i could reasonably complain because after all i had a choice and i'd made a choice (to stay). So lots of anger i couldn't 'understand', focussed on other things, until i realised this. Then i was just angry, for a long long time, about actually not having had a choice. We've forgiven each other at last.
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