Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 04-05-2013, 03:27 AM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default Lunch: A Postscript

Before I posted my entry about lunch, last night, I sent it to Nyx with an explanatory note.

She wrote back today to thank me for writing, to tell me she still feels a lot of warmth and love for me, too, and to tell me that it was good to start reestablishing the connection between us.

She also confirmed what I had expected to be the case: because of recent turmoil in her life, she is proceeding very cautiously on all fronts just so she can keep her bearings.

So, while the affection and attraction between us are mutual, she is not able to act on them, now.

I wrote back to say we seem to be in agreement about the need for caution, and about the reasons for it. We have both been through turmoil, in fact, and need to keep track of which way is up.

So, for now, it seems we will be especially affectionate friends. I'm really looking forward to having brunch with her sometime soon, or going hunting for just the right noodle restaurant.

But I find myself astonished by how much warmer my feeling for her is with all of this out in the open. Seeing Nyx and letting her know how much I still love her has freed me to revive memories of our time together, last year, and to enjoy them fully.

(No. I won't say what the memories are; they are not for public consumption, even anonymously. I worry that, if they are set out for public consumption, they will quickly lose their savor.)

I think I'd actually suppressed some of those memories, in the dark days of winter, perhaps because I didn't really want to face up to how much I was grieving the loss of our relationship.

I have them back, now, and I'm basking in the light and warmth of them.

Let me be clear about this, though. It's not a matter of dwelling on (or in) the past, or wishing for things to be as they were. This is about how I think and feel about Nyx now, within the frame of our current friendship; it's about how I can allow myself to savor all of what I feel for her, almost for its own sake, without any pressure to push the relationship in any particular direction.

It turns out to be an especially generous feeling, or so I have observed. For example, Nyx told me a little of what's happening in two relationships that have been developing and/or changing for the better, and I was delighted for her, simply and without reservation. It seems those relationships are especially good for her, and the other two seem united in their support of Nyx.

I didn't intend to go this way in this thread, but it occurs to me that, in the last two weeks, I've had two women tell me they cannot or ought not to or don't want to have a relationship with me beyond friendship . . . as a result of which I'm feeling a lightness and a happiness verging on bliss, and my affection for each of them has only deepened.

It's the last thing I might have expected, had you asked me about it three years ago!

I don't now how long this spell will last but, at the moment, I'm quite contented with the way things are going.

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-05-2013 at 10:46 AM. Reason: picky, picky.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 04-05-2013, 03:28 AM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Didn't Calvin build one of those?



Oh, could I ever use one of those!

But, alas, I have to take the long way around to personal transformation, just like everyone else . . . assuming personal transformation is even possible!
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 04-07-2013, 12:29 PM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default "Do you know Doc?", redux

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
I think I need to decide on a policy. Vix has chosen to be open, but only to a point. She tells more trustworthy (or at least unavoidable) individuals that she occasionally travels with Doc to attend events; that she needs to be away from Atlanta in order to breathe, and Doc has a house in Germany that is too big for him and otherwise empty; and that they enjoy one another's company. As far as she's concerned, that's all anyone really needs to know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
I'll think about this more, and pay attention the next time someone mentions Doc in my presence. I'll report back how I respond, and how it goes.

It will be good practice if I end up with another relationship of my own, especially if it's with someone in this same community.
So I was at a party last night and one of those in whom Vix confided most of the story asked me, "Where's [Vix] this evening?"

I told her Vix is off on her travels. The interlocutor asked: "On what continent?"

I said, "Europe," as if to say, "where else?"

(I note in hindsight that I was not the least bit nervous or flapped about all of this. Others not in the know, including a number who don't know Vix very well, overheard the conversation but, at the time, I really wasn't concerned about that.)

I described the big event Vix and Doc attended, one that involved formal attire from a past era, in an extraordinary setting. I said, "There are hoops involved, and a corset."

She made a joke of it: "On [Doc]??"

(It was pretty clear to me she was fishing for information, and maybe trying to gauge my reaction as well.)

I laughed, genuinely. "I'd like to see that!" I said.

There it is, then. A test of my resolve to be a little more courageous when people go fishing for information about Vix and Doc, and to be a little less concerned about what others think of it all.

I hope I passed!

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-07-2013 at 12:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 04-07-2013, 03:36 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,230
Default

"I'd like to see that!" <-- I love this reaction to your friend fishing about Vix and Doc! Well done, sir.

"Whereas I experienced my "crush" on her as an ache or a kind of pressure, now I just feel a lot of affection for her, without any pressure or tension in it." <-- This line about Metis made a lot of sense to me. It describes how I used to feel about Eric, my gf's husband, and then how I felt after I confessed my feelings to him and he gently let me know that he didn't return them.

It's not how it's "supposed" to go, it's not the cultural script, to have the revelation of unrequited feelings deepen friendship and release tension, rather than the opposite. But it just feels so good to be honest, to be free, and to know the truth rather than wondering.

Congrats on all of the positive things that your shift in attitude seems to be bringing you.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 04-07-2013, 03:59 PM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"I'd like to see that!" <-- I love this reaction to your friend fishing about Vix and Doc! Well done, sir.
Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Thing is, I said it because it's true. Doc is a tall, skinny guy who comes across as very reserved and, perhaps, just a little distracted.

When my friend asked, "On [Doc]??", the question immediately conjured the image: Doc in a ball gown of a past era. That would be just plain funny, mostly because he wouldn't even try to carry off the look. He would just stand there, all incongruous, oozing irony.

It's especially funny, though, because Vix carries off the look so well. I mean, she's just stunning in that get-up.

(Not that I'm biased, or anything.)
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 04-07-2013, 05:14 PM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
When my friend asked, "On [Doc]??", the question immediately conjured the image: Doc in a ball gown of a past era. That would be just plain funny, mostly because he wouldn't even try to carry off the look. He would just stand there, all incongruous, oozing irony.
I was chatting with Vix on FB just now - our default form of communication when she's in Europe and has access to wifi. She's back at Doc's house, packing for her flight home tomorrow.

(Tomorrow!!)

I told her about the image I had of Doc in a ball gown, in the context of telling her about the last few posts to this thread. I wrote that I thought he would play it deadpan, but she replied that he wouldn't be able to keep a smirk from his face.

I guess she does know him better than I do.

As for my chat with Vix, we're mostly writing back and forth about practical matters, her return, future travel - we're all going to the UK this summer, and have arrangements to make for that - and even yard work.

It's so utterly ordinary . . . which is a refreshing change.

(And yes, I did tell her what I think of how she looks on a ball gown, and I have expressed to her how, um, eager I am for her to be back.)
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 04-08-2013, 03:59 AM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default Am I Learning Anything?

(I just got a message from Vix that she's now on her way to the airport for her flight home.)

I've been feeling oddly contented today.

It was a slightly lazy morning - making breakfast for the girls, practicing music on one instrument and another, hanging out online - which gave way to a little work around the house this afternoon, then to a late-afternoon party at the home of one of my colleagues. After that and a quick stop at home to feed the cats, I took the girls out for Chinese food.

Through it all, there was that odd sense of contentment, of being at ease with the world and not really needing anything more than I have.

Of course, that kind of contentment worries me a little.

I've been here before, you see. Since Vix and I first decided to attempt polyamory, I've gone through cycles of approach and avoidance, elation and revulsion. Really, I've been all over the place in trying to make sense of everything, and to decide both what I really wanted and what would actually be good for me . . . and also to figure out what would be possible.

I played out these various agonies on this and another forum. Once in a while, I would step back from it all and ask: Am I really poly? Even if I am, do I really need another relationship or partner, right now? How much effort should I be expending on looking for someone?

I've gone through several spells of thinking that I shouldn't really be looking, for one reason or another. If I had a profile on OKC or on polymatchmaker, I would delete it . . . only to create a new one later on, when curiosity, or impatience, or whatever grabbed hold of me once again.

I haven't been on polymatchmaker for quite a while now. I returned to OKC just a couple of weeks ago . . . but deleted my profile - again - last night.

Uh-oh.

So, as I say, it would seem that I've been here before. Am I just running in circles, retreading the same path over and over again?

I don't think so. If I am running in circles, it's really more of a helical ramp, like the Guggenheim in New York. Each time around, I'm a little higher (or lower?), and can see a little more clearly where I've been. This time around, in particular, it seems to me I've undergone a more fundamental change in perspective.

In the past, when I would declare that I wasn't really polyamorous, or I would declare that I was polyamorous but was not going actively to seek a relationship with anyone other than my wife, I think it was part of a desperate bid to impose some kind of order on my shifting reactions to my changing circumstances.

The thing is, there was something valid in those efforts, a good idea about priorities, not putting metaphorical carts before metaphorical horses, and all that. But there was also something false in those efforts, something, as I say, desperate and a little too insistent, as if I could make it true just by declaring it.

This time, though, my sense of contentment has been growing and settling for a while. I think it's backed up by the change in my attitude toward my own responsibilities, the reanimation of my relationship with Vix, and the revelations I've experienced in my relationships with Nyx and with Metis.

I think I understand myself better, now, and I see more clearly what I value and what I might aspire to. I have a better sense of the kinds of relationships that are worth having.

And - again, there's something of Hegel in this - I can both be contented with the satisfactions of living my life and maintaining my current relationships as they are now and open to exploring relationships with others, should they happen along.

My newly reconsidered friendships with Nyx and Metis are part of that openness. As I've noted, I'm astonished by how richly satisfying - and how liberating - that reconsideration has been . . . even if those relationships never go much beyond where they are now.

So, to summarize, I've come back around to a familiar place, but with a new perspective that makes me think my return here is a kind of progress.

At least, that's how it all looks to me right now. Another thing I've learned in all this is never to think anything I post to a forum is the last word on any given topic . . .

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-08-2013 at 11:59 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 04-08-2013, 12:01 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 152
Default

A lot of what you've written lately sounds very familiar to my own experiences - e.g., wrt going through cycles and wrt feeling happiness from having some resolution and the growth of real connections, even if not in the form initially desired. I am glad you are in a peaceful phase right now and enjoying your sense of progress and self-knowledge.

I don't really have anything useful or particularly profound to say. But I like reading here in part because it does allow me to see how similar the experiences and struggles of others can be, and so I thought you might like to know the reaction that your words produced.
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 04-08-2013, 08:00 PM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default The Vixen Has Landed!

Vix's plane touched down a couple of hours ago. She's nearly home, and I'm not far behind her - riding the train back from an afternoon meeting.

No other news. I'm just really, unabashedly, blessedly uncomplicatedly (?!) glad she's back.
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:09 AM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 371
Default Advice for the Lovelorn

It's been good to have Vix home. We had a low-key evening in the house last night, watching bad TV SF with the girls after dinner. After that, Vix debriefed me on her visit with Doc, which was . . . complicated.

Once the girls were asleep, Vix and I greeted one another properly.

Mmmm.

Yes, properly.

Um . . . where was I? Oh, yes.

During a break in my work day, today, Vix sent me a text that she was feeling heartbroken. It turns out she was having an email exchange with Doc in which it came out that he is very much less emotionally invested in the relationship than is Vix.

Thing is, it may have little to do with Vix herself, or with their relationship; it may just be that Doc has never developed the knack of staying emotionally engaged with someone beyond the first excitement of being in love.

This Vix has gathered from her interaction with him and from what she knows of his history, which includes a brief and unhappy marriage. He is some years older than Vix, and may think of himself as too old to learn such a knack now.

Doc still wants to maintain their friendship - more or less on the same terms as recently - but without a sense that he loves her or is in love with her or, indeed, is capable of love at all, as Vix understands it. He wants for them to be friends and sometime travel companions, but seems unwilling fundamentally to alter his detached and hermit-like existence.

She has been curious to discover more about him, and her love for him has increased as she has learned more. For his part, he has become more stolidly incurious as the shiny has worn off their relationship.

Doc bookended their email exchange with the assertion that he likes her.

So, Vix has to decide what to do. She values their friendship; she does enjoy traveling with him, and may be willing to continue on the terms offered. But she now realizes she'd made the "error," as she put it, of investing much more of herself in the relationship than he was willing or able to invest.

Anyway, Vix is pretty heartbroken by all of this, and wonders if there is something about her that keeps guys from being interested in her once the shiny wears off, or if it's something about the kinds of guys she gets involved with, or about guys in general.

She thinks of me as being an exception, as we've been together more than two decades and are still investing in one another, for all our ups and downs.

So, I now find myself consoling Vix even as she turns to me for advice and perspective on what to do.

I guess it's a good thing I got my own head turned around, so I'm in a position to be useful to her.

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-10-2013 at 12:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:06 PM.