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Old 11-12-2010, 03:25 PM
KaraLilly KaraLilly is offline
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This will serve as both my introduction and to tell my story and seek comfort in mine and my fiance's transition into this world.

My fiance and I have known each other for 8 years, a couple for 3, living together for 2.5. He is 35 and I am 33. We are by all appearances a complete married couple though we do not have a piece of paper to show for it. We have joint finances and all the that jazz. We have been through some incredibly hard times together and have worked very hard to be a couple. There were some issues he had in the beginning and of course there are my anxiety/depression, self esteem issues. His issues were fidelity and being honest with me. We've pretty much worked those out. But, we also had issues due to outside influences such as unemployment and financial issues, pregnancy and miscarriage, death of family members and issues with out children (from previous relationships). We've conquered it all. Now to introduce poly...

I have known of polyamory for about 10 years or so and lamely attempted it with a former partner. It didn't quite work out and we ended our relationship. It wasn't necessarily the poly that split us up. We were very young and for lack of better term, dumb. My fiance has never tried it, he just failed miserably at monogamy. He was never able to be faithful to any of this partners, even me (in the beginning). Cheating was his crutch to boosting his ego, that's his admittance. I have mostly been monogamous my whole life. I have alway wondered about the poly lifestyle and knew that it worked for some people and wondered if I was one of those people who could handle it.

About a month ago I suggested to my fiance that we begin discussion about exploring a poly/open relationship. We talked about it and he said he never thought about it before but was willing to explore. So we began with just talking with other people to see if there was anyone interesting out there. We went on one couples date but nothing came of it. He went on two dates and the second woman he's met he's made a very strong connection with and they would like to progress further. I became instantly uncomfortable with the idea of this and the jealousy and fear crept in.

We stayed up all night discussing it and we agreed that things would wait while I take time to get comfortable with this. So for the past 3 or 4 days it has been discussion after discussion with both him and with her. She has been completely amazing as she's been in this lifestyle for 8 years with her partner of 18 years. She has been a source of great comfort for me and understand exactly what I'm feeling and reminds me that my relationship with my fiance is top priority and she has no desire to come between that and if she ever feels like she would be, she'll back off. So talking with my fiance, his potential partner and he lovers (including her husband) have all made me feel so much better. However, I'm still struggling with letting go. I imagine them having sex and I get all worked up and jealous. I recognize this and try to sooth myself and talk myself through these feelings, which I know are COMPLETELY normal!

I have asked him to wait till I find someone for myself as well because we are doing this together and he's moved ahead of me. I don't know if that makes sense but everyone told me it has. I tend to be selective with potential partners and have not yet met someone with whom I have sparks. So I am simply trying to process the idea of him and another woman. It's very difficult to get past these emotions.

He explains that his relationship with her would not take away from the special bond that we have. It would be an add on, not a subtraction.

So...I just want some help transitioning into this life. I wanted to open things up and explore this. I had no one in mind when I did so. I just want to expand my mind and explore the boundaries of life. I can't tell you why I feel so compelled to do this, to force myself past this discomfort. But I feel the urge to. I am hurting a little but still desire to move past the base emotions I am feeling to a place of loving trusting freedom.

Help... heh
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:31 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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It sounds like all the right discussions have been had, and that you have a great support network for all this, that's awesome. My wife went through a lot of the same emotions you are when I brought up being Poly... I think it's pretty standard. Jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, etc. I had some of these feelings myself when she took a lover.

What helped her get over her worked up jealousy was taking a lover. That kindof puts into perspective what has been said - I guess it actually hits home when you experience it. We're still new at this, but hey, maybe you need a boyfriend.
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:53 PM
KaraLilly KaraLilly is offline
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
It sounds like all the right discussions have been had, and that you have a great support network for all this, that's awesome. My wife went through a lot of the same emotions you are when I brought up being Poly... I think it's pretty standard. Jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, etc. I had some of these feelings myself when she took a lover.

What helped her get over her worked up jealousy was taking a lover. That kindof puts into perspective what has been said - I guess it actually hits home when you experience it. We're still new at this, but hey, maybe you need a boyfriend.
That is precisely why I asked him to wait for me to find a boyfriend. If we go at the same pace (at least for this first one) and experience all the feelings together, it will not only make us closer but help us both understand and be there for one another.

I REALLY need a boyfriend lol. I've talked to several men and women and so far I have no real sparks with anyone. The woman my fiance has chosen is perfect but she's straight so there's goes that idea . I may sound strange but I would prefer this first foray into this lifestyle to be with a man and not a woman since we cannot share our first. I feel like it will be more equal that way.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:13 PM
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I disagree that finding a partner at the same time is the way to get over jealousy. There is a strong chance that the two of you will be in NRE at the same time, that a competition will arise and that the two of you will become less connected... that being said, of course, finding another suitable partner is important, but the key is "suitable" there is also the possibility that you may just settle in order to please him because he is waiting for you or because you want what he has...

people are not commodities. They are not like something we buy; the next best cell phone and they shouldn't be thought of that way I don't think. It isn't fair to them and isn't fair to you. It's great that you are looking for love, but that is a very different thing when its because your partner has found something real... I would suggest that it would be damaging to your self esteem and feelings of self worth much more than feelings of jealousy.

I would suggest that you do some reading on jealousy on here, we have written about it a lot... what does it mean to you, what is the threat underneath it, what is the under lying fear? What needs do you think won't be met by him starting a relationship with someone else?... what boundaries do you need to have in place in order for you to feel comfortable with the pace that they go at or in order to feel special to him still?

This is the time to look after yourself and be your own best primary... to me, it isn't the best time to be offering yourself to others in terms of a relationship... take care and do the things that make you feel special. Decide on some new things to make you feel special too... you could be up nights while he is out with this new love in his NRE.

Take charge now of your own situation and walk right through that jealousy; it's your friend really, it will tell you things that you aren't aware of because of fear, so listen to yourself and start from there. If your partner and this new love are respectful, then they will give you the time you ask for I think.
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Old 11-12-2010, 07:15 PM
KaraLilly KaraLilly is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I disagree that finding a partner at the same time is the way to get over jealousy. There is a strong chance that the two of you will be in NRE at the same time, that a competition will arise and that the two of you will become less connected... that being said, of course, finding another suitable partner is important, but the key is "suitable" there is also the possibility that you may just settle in order to please him because he is waiting for you or because you want what he has...
I fully understand what you are saying about the potential loss of attachment if we are in NRE at the same time. It is definitely something to consider. Our relationship is #1 Priority, for us all others are to be secondary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
People are not commodities. They are not like something we buy; the next best cell phone and they shouldn't be thought of that way I don't think. It isn't fair to them and isn't fair to you. It's great that you are looking for love, but that is a very different thing when its because your partner has found something real... I would suggest that it would be damaging to your self esteem and feelings of self worth much more than feelings of jealousy.
I do not look at it that way at all, I apologize if that's how my words came across. I have had many offers from other men at the moment, but none of them are suitable for me. That's why I've NOT settled. I'm not really able to settle to be honest with you. If it doesn't feel right then I won't do it. I can't. We aren't necessarily looking for love, we are looking for friends to do things with where there is a connection and we are permitted to be sexual. I know this could change in the future as boundaries shift in these types of relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would suggest that you do some reading on jealousy on here, we have written about it a lot... what does it mean to you, what is the threat underneath it, what is the under lying fear? What needs do you think won't be met by him starting a relationship with someone else?... what boundaries do you need to have in place in order for you to feel comfortable with the pace that they go at or in order to feel special to him still?
This is a very good suggestion. I know my jealousy simply stems from my lack of self esteem. While logically I'm know I'm totally awesome and a great partner and friend, I also suffer from those feelings of awkwardness and like there is something wrong with me. That's been a struggle my whole life. With this situation I am facing these things head on because I want to beat them and learn how to acknowledge them and not allow them to control me. I think my fear is less of a connection with him and that she will somehow be better, which is totally normal, I know. It's just allowing myself to get past it. She's an amazing woman and extremely support of this. She isn't rushing and does nothing but nurture Shawn and myself and guide of through this transition. I couldn't ask for him to have found someone better, to be honest.

My boundaries right now start at physical interaction. I'm just not comfortable with that yet. We talk it over constantly and he does all he can to reassure me that sex isn't the ultimate goal but he'd like to some day be able to do that. He also does all he can to show me he loves me and let me know I'm his #1, his soul mate. What we have built can't compare to anything he may have with someone else. And I feel the same way. We have been through hell and back many times over and we've fought TOGETHER for this. I want no other man to be on the same level with him, they can't compare. If it's that way for me, why is it so hard for me to accept it could truly be that way for him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This is the time to look after yourself and be your own best primary... to me, it isn't the best time to be offering yourself to others in terms of a relationship... take care and do the things that make you feel special. Decide on some new things to make you feel special too... you could be up nights while he is out with this new love in his NRE.
I will be honest. I probably will be up nights while he is out with his new flame. But right now there are no sleep overs so it won't be all night. And I know he will come home and talk to me about what transpired between them, as I'm sure she'll talk to me about it as well. This is a process and I'm learning to trust it and go with my instincts. My instincts are telling me to keep talking, keep working through what I'm feeling and when I'm ready I will give them my blessing for physical relations. It will probably still sting a little and I may hurt but hopefully through much talking and reassurance this transition can be made and I will learn how to cope with this better or maybe it won't be nearly as bad as I thought and I'll adjust.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Take charge now of your own situation and walk right through that jealousy; it's your friend really, it will tell you things that you aren't aware of because of fear, so listen to yourself and start from there. If your partner and this new love are respectful, then they will give you the time you ask for I think.
I am walking through this jealousy every day. I am working on it piece by piece and I am being handled in the most loving caring why by both of them. Which is all I can ask. They are giving me the time I need. When he appears to get to eager I let him know how I feel when he does that and he backs off and lets me guide them to my comfort level. I am getting better slowly...but it has only been 3 or 4 days since they met in person and decided they would like to pursue something more, so I need to give myself time too. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Just need all the support to walk through to the other side.

I thank you very much for your knowledgeable words and support. I know this can work. I know I can make it through, I just have to be patient with myself.
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Old 11-12-2010, 09:04 PM
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@Karalilly- you seem to be doing well, good for you. This whole poly thing really brings a lot of stuff up for people on such a personal level doesn't it? It's as much of a challenge personally as it is in terms of relationships with others. It sounds like you are embracing that and aware of what is going on for you... the challenge of creating self esteem is a good place to start in terms of what you can do in this for you.

It sounds like you are willing to take the bull by the horns and become an even more amazing and wonderful person. In my experience this is very attractive to others, very empowering and I have no doubt that as a result your partner will be even more proud to be with you, more in love with you and others will be drawn to that empowered person you will become if you are able to take on your "self."
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