Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:43 AM
Thunder's Avatar
Thunder Thunder is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4
Exclamation Thunder's big problem need opinions and help please...

Lately I've Had this issue with my, Girls/Guys. They seem to think I have no reasons to get mad at them for some stuff I see as a slap in a face or something of a matter. I don't know if they see what they do all the time. It's not all 6 of them it is just 4 that seem to do it. I get annoyed first off cause one of them will ask if I want to go do something with them that usually costs money... I'm usually more broke then all of them so I guess they just assume I have no money or w/e. I understand that no one always wants to pay for me for stuff as well as I would not want them to cause it feels like I'm just a burden. But lately they have this thing of asking me if I want to do something and then 10 min later when I decide ok ill go one of them will be like well d you have money or make something else to say up to make it seem like they really don't want me to go with them. So it feels like I'm just their annoyance that at last second they want to ditch me for w/e reason. But thats only one of the issues I need some opinions on it if possible... Haven't really thought out the other issues fully yet so I may just post again later.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-12-2010, 10:49 AM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

A lot of things are really just your perception of them (general you, not specifically). Have you sat everyone down and talked to them about it? They can't know what's going on with you if you don't tell them.

Have you made less expensive suggestions of your own? Going for a walk, bike ride, picnic (in season), helping prepare a meal together, cuddle time while watching a movie, board/card games are all cheaper (or free!) alternatives to money items
__________________
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-12-2010, 03:51 PM
gomugirl1656's Avatar
gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 78
Default

Breathesgirl had some great suggestions. I don't really have much to add except to say, be honest, and hang in there, Thunder.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-12-2010, 05:29 PM
Thunder's Avatar
Thunder Thunder is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4
Default

It probably is my perception of thing I don't know. For the most part it really hasn't been just things with money that they do it. Maybe I'll try to sit and talk to them and see what happens. Cause I know I do have the tenancy to be irrational some times. I really appreciate the tips and help though *Breathesgirl* and thank you for the encouragement *gomugirl1656*
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-12-2010, 06:34 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I think that you really need to address these sorts of things with the people involved. There is really not much anyone could say I don't think as we are not there and not you... communication is a first really. it sounds like you are off to do that. Let us know how it goes?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-12-2010, 11:22 PM
Thunder's Avatar
Thunder Thunder is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4
Default

Well so far I have talked about it with 2 of them and I got everything sorted out with them at least. I am figuring out that yea even though I hate confrontation and talking about feelings its gonna happen weather or not I like it. I'm trying to get passed my shyness about talking with others and so far it's very difficult but I think as long as I try it'l get easier to be open bout my problems and hopefully easier to solve most of them.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-13-2010, 12:55 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,374
Default

I think it's possible that they don't want to get you broke, nor exclude you... I think a lot of people have been in a situation where one person would do things they couldn't afford to stay with their friends, and ended up in debt... Maybe they're worried you're agreeing to do things that are too expensive because you don't want to be left out.
In which case, it's possible they're trying to tell you "we can do something else if it's better for you" to reassure you that they do realise you have less money than they do. It's possible they're trying to be thoughtful and certainly not to annoy you.

I think a good way around that problem would be to discuss activities together and incorporate some that are cheap or free. Or you could plan activities and "pool" for them, where everyone puts in the same amount of money proportionally to their income or something, so that it seems fair to everyone (you'd have to discuss it of course) and then the whole group uses that money to go on activities, rather than everyone paying for themselves.

In my experience, I've been the one who had more money and the one who had less money, and usually when you're the one with the money, you'd rather pay for someone else to have the enjoyment of having them around, because the money you'd save isn't worth having to be away from them. All the same, when you're the one with less money you do feel bad for not pulling your weight, but then you can do things for others that don't cost money in return.

Seems to me that since you are all a big unit, it might make sense for you guys to discuss these things all together. I think if my network was that big I'd have a weekly council where everyone could bring up stuff they wanted to discuss and they'd be resolved with everyone
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-13-2010, 01:35 AM
MariusdeRomanus's Avatar
MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 50
Default

Just for some added perspective, only four of us have jobs. Andulvar makes the most, Vegeta and Company make about the same, and Selene makes the least due to a very small vet hospital thing. Thunder gets money from the government, and Ariel and I make nothing unless we do a bake sale or something else extra.

I'm a very group-oriented person. Generally, I want everyone to be there for everything. Since I don't have my own personal income, sometimes this is difficult to maneuver with the group, as our finances stand. I'm perfectly willing to do things that don't require money, as we used to do this when we were a bit younger, or go on the super-cheap. It doesn't bother me at all.

However, I think that being able to have time alone with certain people at a time is also valuable. It's hard for me to get closer to people if the group is large... I would feel like that closeness was mostly superficial. Considering our boundaries, getting close sometimes has to happen with one partner AND their primary.

That being said, our relationship is still new... there's lots of time to perfect communication and issues such as this. I'm willing to be patient and roll along with everyone else's speed.
__________________
"Love as thou wilt."

Company is my husband. I'm dating Selene, Ariel, Vegeta, Thunder, and Andulvar.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-13-2010, 09:50 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,152
Default

Maybe everyone could contribute a few bucks here and there to a household "kitty" (or the "pussy" as my friend and her roommate used to call theirs) that would be used for special occasions, emergencies, or to help one of you out when needed. Once you put money in a kitty, you forget about it, and it becomes everyone's. It doesn't have to be a set amount from each person, could be as simple as throwing in the change after you pay for pizza, a five you find in your jeans on laundry day, or whatever. You could figure out some guideline on how to use it. Then whoever needs help from the kitty wouldn't feel like they're burdening anyone, it's collective money. Just a thought.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-13-2010, 02:40 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Actually the kitty idea is a very good one.

We have a tin for laundry change so why not one for miscellaneous stuff? It would help my kids too as there would then be change for an unexpected bus ride, swimming, coffee, etc.
__________________
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:18 PM.