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Old 12-15-2010, 11:30 PM
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Default Could use a little guidance :)

Hi everyone,

I just joined this group today after sifting through others for about a week and was just hoping for some words of wisdom from you all.

I am a 30 year old bisexual woman who is in a wonderful mono relationship with likely the sweetest, most caring man in the universe

So the issue, and why I am here is multisided.
First, I was in a relationship with my daughters' (I have 2) father for 11 years. We married young, lived in a conservative area of the country, moved to the west cost and my life completely changed for the better. I realized my identity, confessed it to my husband, and we tried sorting it out for 2 solid years. We attended counseling, read books, talked to people and in the end, even opened our relationship up to date other people (him, men and me, women). Eventually, it all just fell apart, we divorced and we have rebuilt our relationship as friends and co-partners in raising our girls together, but nothing more. He lives about an hour and a half from me and the girls see him on weekends and holidays. I tell you all of this so you can see the background I come from.

I dated extensively for the first 2 years after we divorced, dabbling in relationships with both woman and men and even one couple. Nothing felt satisfying for me long term until I met my current partner, an amazing man who I feel gets me better than anyone ever has. He's great with my girls and we live on a farm together that's been in his family for years and years...really I am happier than I have ever been in my life right now.

He knows and has been aware all along that I am bisexual. Off an on in our relationship, I have mentioned that even though he and I are together as a mono couple, that I can't imagine living my life without ever being intimately/romantically involved with a woman again. At first, this was kind of swept under the rug, a tid-bit of info he didn't seem comfortable discussing until fairly recently. I brought it up in conversation shortly after we were together for a few months and I celebrated my birthday with a dear girlfriend of mine who I had worked with before I met my partner. We ended up having a ton to drink that night (which is pretty unlike me...) and had sex at the house that my partner and I lived in at the time while he was not staying there that evening. I honestly didn't even try to stop myself that evening as she and I had been intimate before and it felt really natural for me to be with her. However, in the days after it happened, I started wondering if what I did was ok with him considering that he and I had never really discussed me sleeping with other women while we were together. So after wrestling with it for a month, I told him everything and this is what opened up the conversation further between us. He said that he already had wondered if anything had happened between she and I as he knew of our prior history and didn't want to pry since neither one of us seemed comfortable talking about it. All in all, I think he was only a little hurt because I didn't come to him sooner about it all and that it had been bothering me.

Since then (about a year now) things have been pretty quiet when it comes to the subject of me and a relationship with a woman as we have had TONS of stuff going on. We moved to a more central spot and have been working our limbs off to fix up the farm, settle into our jobs and drive the kids back and forth to see their dad on the weekends. Honestly...just a very busy year. Well, in spite of all of this, my feelings remain unchanged and I am still desirous of exploring a relationship with a woman.

There are however, so many things I find difficult.
1. First of all, how do I help my partner, who I love so much, feel comfortable and less threatened by my desire for this? I don't see myself ever being any different, nor do I feel like I should be different. I am me...
2. Can mono/poly (I guess I am somewhat poly?) relationships work if both parties are willing to communicate openly at all times and support each other? (my feeling is yes, which is why I am on here in the first place!!) But HOW?
3. This is the cart ahead of the horse (or however the saying goes, lol...) but how in the sweet world do I meet a woman who would be cool with all of this in the first place!!!!!!!!???????
4. Any success stories out there from people who have done this well?
5. I am not interested in only sex...I am such a "family" person and that would be what I would want this to feel like. I would want that woman who comes in to be not only my lover, but a dear friend to him as well. Is this even reasonable, people, or am I off my rocker, here?

I suppose that covers just about everything for now! I am hopeful and positive that this will all pan out well. All of your advice or comments will be much appreciated and welcomed.

Thanks everyone!
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Old 12-16-2010, 05:36 AM
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First off, welcome to the forum. =] Good to have you here.

"1. First of all, how do I help my partner, who I love so much, feel comfortable and less threatened by my desire for this? I don't see myself ever being any different, nor do I feel like I should be different. I am me..."

- Make it clear that is who you are and you couldn't live any other way. Ask him if he is ok with that and don't stop until he answers yes or no. If he answers yes, hopefully a conversation on it will open up from there. If no, then you have the hard decision of either sticking with him or leaving him to be yourself.

2. Can mono/poly (I guess I am somewhat poly?) relationships work if both parties are willing to communicate openly at all times and support each other? (my feeling is yes, which is why I am on here in the first place!!) But HOW?

- Yes they can. I've seen it with a few people on here. I'm sure they can fill in with better information than I could though.

3. This is the cart ahead of the horse (or however the saying goes, lol...) but how in the sweet world do I meet a woman who would be cool with all of this in the first place!!!!!!!!???????

- You just have to let her come to you. How do you get into any relationship? It'll definitely be harder to find someone who is open to polyamory, but not impossible.

4. Any success stories out there from people who have done this well?

- Sorry, new to poly. Doesn't mean my advice is completely terrible though. I've read a lot of stories from other people and have a lot of common sense.

5. I am not interested in only sex...I am such a "family" person and that would be what I would want this to feel like. I would want that woman who comes in to be not only my lover, but a dear friend to him as well. Is this even reasonable, people, or am I off my rocker, here?

- Definitely possible, but not something that you should rush into. When you find her, you'll eventually have it come out in conversation that you would want that. If she wasn't ok with it or the man you're with now wasn't ok with it, you should just let it be that way. Everyone has their ideal, but sometimes you have to just let it flow in a direction it wants to go.
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Old 12-16-2010, 06:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mirrormelovely View Post
There are however, so many things I find difficult.
1. First of all, how do I help my partner, who I love so much, feel comfortable and less threatened by my desire for this? I don't see myself ever being any different, nor do I feel like I should be different. I am me...
Mi Mirrormelovely

I am probably going to get flamed a bit on this one but....you have one thing already in your favor; you are interested in finding a girlfriend and not a boyfriend. That in itself can alleviate a lot of the competitive issues between men; penis size, physique, staying power and a male territorial sense.

So now you can honestly look at him and tell him you are not needing something better/newer than you already have in him as a man, but are looking and needing something very different...the female body, energy and feminine intimacy. Whether or not people believe or feel a difference between men and women is irrelevant because a lot of guys do; use this to your advantage!

Ask him to think about the pleasure and connection he gets from touching your female body and ask him if he thinks he could achieve that with a man. Some people will say yes and that is valid but lots of men will say no. This might give him a reinforced perspective that you are looking to add a completely different thing to your life and not replace what you already have with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mirrormelovely View Post
2. Can mono/poly (I guess I am somewhat poly?) relationships work if both parties are willing to communicate openly at all times and support each other? (my feeling is yes, which is why I am on here in the first place!!) But HOW?
Mono/poly can work. How smooth and fulfilling it can be depends on a lot of factors.
How open do you want to be? Are you looking for a completely open relationship with respect to many woman or wanting to find a special one?
You've already answered these questions but he will need to have total clarity which means you need to know yourself and what you really want.

What are his social pressures involved; friends, family, background?

Will you be ok if he wants something too?

What are his long term expectations and can poly work for him to achieve those? Can your goals be achieved with him?



I hope some of this helps

Peace and Love
Mono
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Old 12-16-2010, 06:55 AM
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I thought I should clarify that I don't believe all guys will be ok with thier girlfriend/wife finding a girlfriend. My ex-wife explored a relationship with a mutual lesbian friend of ours and at first I was very supportive of it. I was turned on by the physical possibilities. She went to her house for one night and I knew I had made the wrong choice; reality hit me and I was ready to leave her. The relationship never developed but the friendship between all of us lasted and we became closer for quite a while.

That was me back then...the relationship was founded in monogamy which is much different than my relationship now. I embrace the relationships RP has with Derby and her Husband and try my best to make those relationships better in any way I can.
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Old 12-16-2010, 08:02 AM
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Hi mirrormelovely,

Anything is possible I reckon. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have a husband at one point, as I identified as a lesbian for about 10 years... then all of a sudden I found I was married, with child, had a house and car, a career. It happened because I created it. Then I got a live in boyfriend (Mono), then a girlfriend (Derby) and other partners and lovers too... all because I worked towards that with as much integrity and love as I could muster.

You can create whatever works for you. It's up to you to start. It might not be fast, but it will happen. The trick, I have found is to have no expectation and to allow what fate has in store be apart of what I create.

I suggest that you do some reading here for a bit to see what others have achieved and to get some practical ideas about how to go about your journey. Have a look at tags and stickies and see what you find.

Good luck
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Old 12-16-2010, 02:26 PM
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Default dream on!

"5. I am not interested in only sex...I am such a "family" person and that would be what I would want this to feel like. I would want that woman who comes in to be not only my lover, but a dear friend to him as well. Is this even reasonable, people, or am I off my rocker, here?"

I'm new here too, but one thing I'm learning is to stop suppressing my dreams. I got here in the first place by asking, "WHAT IF?" My husband and I, as well as my spice and I, kept saying, "In a perfect world..." I can't believe I found polyamory and realized we're not the only ones with these wild dreams, asking, like you, "Am I off my rocker here??"

I sometimes think I'm crazy for this endeavor, but I'm realizing, no -- it's a world that tries to put limits on love, that is what's crazy.

This forum is full of people who are brave, honest, and creative, among other wonderful qualities I'm so glad to be here, and I thank everyone for sharing!
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Old 12-16-2010, 02:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
"5. I am not interested in only sex...I am such a "family" person and that would be what I would want this to feel like. I would want that woman who comes in to be not only my lover, but a dear friend to him as well. Is this even reasonable, people, or am I off my rocker, here?"

I'm new here too, but one thing I'm learning is to stop suppressing my dreams. I got here in the first place by asking, "WHAT IF?" My husband and I, as well as my spice and I, kept saying, "In a perfect world..." I can't believe I found polyamory and realized we're not the only ones with these wild dreams, asking, like you, "Am I off my rocker here??"

I sometimes think I'm crazy for this endeavor, but I'm realizing, no -- it's a world that tries to put limits on love, that is what's crazy.

This forum is full of people who are brave, honest, and creative, among other wonderful qualities I'm so glad to be here, and I thank everyone for sharing!
I think this is my new favourite quote. =]
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Old 12-16-2010, 03:56 PM
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I think this is my new favourite quote. =]
agreed Somegeezer
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Old 12-16-2010, 04:42 PM
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Smile Thank you!

Thank you all so much for your responses. This type of forum is exactly what I feel like I need right now to help me process. And I have really good news. I told my partner last night that I joined this forum. He, of course, knew in advance that I was considering this, we just hadn't discussed it for quite sometime. If I know him as well as I think I do, I knew that he hadn't forgotten about it and had probably given it a lot more thought than I even knew. Well, I was right. I opened conversation about this because right now, we are making a lot of life changes anyway (diet, exercise, new home, new job possibility). We are also giving up meat for awhile to try out some new veggie and vegan dishes and last night in the kitchen as I prepared my first dish using tofu, it dawned on my that this is, in many ways, very similar to trying a new way of eating. We are trying a new way of loving...it doesn't have to be a BAD thing. We can choose to embrace it and try it out and communicate about it and strike a balance that works for us. Real, genuine relationships HAVE to be like that, and with my partner and I in this together, I feel like we can do anything we want together. It really floored me to listen to his well thought out answers and dialogue last night about all of this. It could not have gone better if I had written a script for it myself! We talked about some rules that are absolutely unbendable in his mind and he told me that right now, while he's processing, he'd like to only discuss this maybe once a week unless something major comes up. Really, everyone, he was so great about it!

Mono-Thanks for the advice and comments. Yes, to answer your question...I am totally content with him as my male partner and my desires do lie in finding a female partner to explore all of that feminine, soft energy and intimacy with. I don't want to replace him...not at all.

Yes, Redpepper, we create our own reality every day when we wake up. I have believed in living with intent and purpose for awhile now and those ideals should roll over to this as well. Thanks for pointing that out.

Somegeezer-Awesome quote...!! "It's a world that tries to put limits on love, that's what's crazy!" So true, in my book!

Carma-Again, it's about creating your own reality and asking questions. "What IF?" We never know unless we try and we won't ever find true happiness sometimes unless we push the limits of what is possible! Thanks so much for the reminder!

Thanks again everyone! I'll keep you updated.
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Old 12-16-2010, 06:22 PM
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That is wonderful. =] I'm happy he's opening up to it and willing to talk about it more, even if it is at his own pace. Just out of curiosity, what are the rules he has deemed unbendable?
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