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  #21  
Old 11-19-2010, 01:26 PM
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gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
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Ray, I am sorry to hear you are suffering. I know this limbo pattern is tough but such intense feelings can consume your self esteem and ideas about the world. You are intelligent and filled with insight beyond your experience and you deserve to be dealt with openly and honestly and to be loved as much as you can love, which seems like a lot.

I am not proposing you give up on O and A just yet. However, I just wanted to remind you that you are worthy of better behavior. Don't settle just on "someday" if it really looks like it is going nowhere. It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself sometimes to let go and it allows them to be responsible for themselves.

As to whether or not he was irresponsible in starting something he couldn't finish... this is a learning curve for everyone. Sometimes, what we think we understand and want doesn't take into consideration all the potential. As humans we just can't see that far sometimes. The intensity of all your feelings, her acceptance, each of your expectations as a V, all have tons of variables that must be sorted through consciously. That's sort of overwhelming and it takes time.

I am sure he doesn't want to hurt you but being certain his existing relationship is stable and his new relationship is stable is a delicate balance that requires repeated experience and much trial and error.

That said you can't be expected to wait around indefinitely with no sort of clue about what's going on. Do you have other interests and relationships to pursue? This may occupy your time if you are planning to wait on them.

While I was waiting for some people to make up their mind I spent time learning all I could about relationships and what my relationship skills where. Even though that relationship didn't pan out the experience was useful for me. All you can do is control your own responses to what is going on in your life. Please try not to torture yourself with "what if". Since you have no really solid info about their feelings and expectations you will only conjure monsters in your mind that don't really relate to reality and harm yourself more in the process.
Keep us posted and take care of you.
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  #22  
Old 11-19-2010, 04:45 PM
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Excellent advice Gomugirl
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  #23  
Old 11-19-2010, 08:59 PM
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O and I have decided that we should break up. I don't feel like elaborating right now, I can't really keep it together right now. I know it's the right choice but it really hurts right now. Thanks everyone for all the thoughts.
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  #24  
Old 11-19-2010, 09:06 PM
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((Hugs))
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  #25  
Old 11-20-2010, 01:44 PM
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*big teddybear type hug*
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  #26  
Old 11-20-2010, 11:13 PM
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Sorry Ray. You were worthy, open and honest and they were not.
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  #27  
Old 11-20-2010, 11:30 PM
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Thanks all for the support. So yesterday around lunch time O and I had to take care of some bank business for an organization that we're both involved in. He could tell that something was going on. And so we got to talking about how I'd been feeling unhappy and wanting more. He decided that if he couldn't give me what I was looking for then I should break up with him. Deep down, as much as I've tried to deny and just be happy, I really want for the relationship to be allowed to develop naturally. However, A is just not comfortable with that and so he can't. So I think we both knew that it's been for things to change. I'd been avoiding it and holding on to the possibility that we could have something that makes us both happy but it's just not there right now. It's hard because we both wish it could be more but A just doesn't want it too. So I hate to admit that I resent her for that right now, as much as I understand. I never wanted to fall in love with him, I knew that it would be messy. He's one of my best friends and I have no idea how the hell to make this transition or if I can even make it from lovers to friends. I'm not sure if I can handle seeing them together know that we can't be together. It was different know that we both had him but now that I don't I feel like it's a totally different dynamic. Every time I think too much about him, I melt into a puddle. How am I supposed to hang out with and pretend it's just find and we're good buddies? He thinks that by us breaking up, I'll be free to date other people but I have no desire to even go there. I only dated other guys because he pushed me to try it. Now, I know why I never dated all these years. I'm honestly not particularly eager to bother with it for a good long time. I'm supposed to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. I think he thinks that we can go back to friends just like that. He says it's up to me what changes about our relationship but I just feel so much pain that I don't know what to do. Is it wise for me to continue to spend so much time around him? But on the flip side he's one of my best friends and I love and care about him and want him to be a part of my life. I wish I could just be fine and go on with our friendship like nothing ever happened. I tend to be overly emotional but right now, I feel like my world is falling apart. And of course very few people knew that we were dating so it's not like I can just say what happened.
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  #28  
Old 11-21-2010, 08:58 PM
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As I mentioned before I am extremely emotional. I tend to have initial, overpowering, very dramatic emotional responses to situations. I've found it best to ride them out and then get to the decision making. Once the dust settled (and my sinus headache went away), I did some more thinking. Came up with a better solution and talked to O and we have the green light (for my solution). O is going to start grad school in January and will be extremely busy giving us a natural point where I'll be able to get some space so i can move on and we can still have a friendship in the future. Since we have the holidays coming up and both O and my birthdays, we've decided to enjoy the time we have and then let grad school do the separating. I prefer gradual transitions to abrupt endings. I know it will still hurt for our relationship to change and to let go of the possible future I wanted but I think this is a much better way to go about it. Both of us want to remain in each other's lives and to me, this resolution says less of "let's break up and get out of my life" and more just we're moving on to other things and we still care. Again, I really appreciate everyones' thoughts, advice, and hugs. Thanks for helping me to not get to down on myself and for listening. I'm glad you guys are here!
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  #29  
Old 11-22-2010, 03:05 PM
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Good luck Ray, and we're all here if you need the support. I hope it works out for you.
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  #30  
Old 10-06-2012, 03:53 PM
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Hey Ray it's been a while since we talked I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing now?
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