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  #11  
Old 11-11-2010, 09:44 PM
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She sounds like my wife during our early years. Unfortunately that's not something that works well with this lifestyle. One of the hardest hurdles my wife had to overcome was her inability to talk about her feelings and emotions. It wasn't something her family did so she wasn't used to it.

With a lot of talking, she slowly realized that how she was trying to process through her feelings and emotions wasn't working. When there are three or more people involved it's virtually impossible to deal with things on your own.

I would strongly encourage your SO to talk to his wife about this. Maybe a sit down with the 3 of you isn't in the cards just yet, but she's got to feel more comfortable telling her husband how she's feeling and what's going on in her head.

Trying to guess what's going on will only lead to someone getting hurt or upset.
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Old 11-11-2010, 09:58 PM
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Thanks! It's good to know I'm not nuts for wanting her to open up more about stuff. It's so scary not knowing what's going on in her head. I mean she could be 5 steps away from wanting us to break up and I'd never know! I keep telling him I wish she would talk more and he just says that's how she is and I should accept that. I can accept that she'll never probably like to talk about things as much as I do, but I think we'd all benefit if she'd talk a little more than she does. I'll keep trying. She and I had a bit of a breakthrough this past weekend. She asked me to do a tarot reading with her. I think that's the most we've talked together about anything deep.
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Old 11-11-2010, 10:07 PM
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Step in the right direction!!! I completely understand the "that's how she is, so you should accept it" because that's what my wife told me at the start. LOL I told her that wasn't going to work if we really wanted to live this way. Considering she was the one that initially suggested we start looking for someone else, she kinda had to stop and think.

Now, his wife may not have been the catalyst for their lifestyle, but if she's accepted that this is how they are going to live their lives, then she has to be willing to do a little bit of work. And yes, you should be going at her pace, but that pace can't be a standstill. Otherwise, what point is there for you to stay around? It's not fair to keep you in limbo not getting everything that you want and deserve from a partner. They have to think about your feelings just as much as you have to think about hers.
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:33 AM
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I think that's what I feel torn about. I know that I care a lot about him but I worry that I could stay around forever and things might never move forward. I have expressed this to him and he didn't really have anything to add. Until we know what A is thinking, there's not much more to say. I did however have a thought on my way home. I think he believes that if I weren't dating him, I'd be out playing the field, getting laid and doing normal 21-year-old things. But I KNOW that if I had never dated him, I'd be exactly where I was when I met him. I'd probably still have never kissed anyone and I doubt I'd have gone on many dates and I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with anyone. Or probably even considering it for that matter. I have a lot of past issues that have given me a lot of inhibitions and he's been helpful in beginning to breaking through those. He thinks he's holding me back but he doesn't realize that he's propelled me farther forward than I ever would have gone on my own.
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:26 PM
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Have you told him that? If not, maybe you should let him read what you wrote. I can also see where you would give him a lot of leeway to keep things where they are. Just don't stay in something where you're not happy. Like I said earlier, they both have to take your feelings and emotions into consideration. And if they're unwilling or unable to move forward with this relationship, then they have to at least be able to tell you that so you can decide for yourself if you want to stick it out or move on.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:02 PM
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Ray,
I noticed that these posts are a couple of months old. How is your situation going? Any improvement? Have you been able to get closer to friendship with the wife? I'm curious to see how this is working out for you. What about other outside relationships for you?
-Ggirl
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  #17  
Old 11-12-2010, 09:52 PM
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This a pretty new thread, so there's not too much new news to report yet. But I certainly hope that a few months from now, we've made good progress. I stopped by briefly to visit O today and had a fun little walk. At one point, I tackled him but my winter hat fell down over my eyes, so we both had a good laugh at me trying to fight with a hat over my face. I shared with him that he is not in fact holding me back but has helped me to move forward. That seemed to make him glad. I wanted to keep things light today.
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  #18  
Old 11-14-2010, 01:57 PM
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I'm glad that your day with him went well. I know it's only been a couple of days since that, but how are things? Any luck with his wife opening up?
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Old 11-19-2010, 07:13 AM
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The last few days have been rough. I haven't had a chance to hang out with A and I won't again this weekend, since he wants to be productive and apparently I will be distracting. Which is an odd thing to say since I frequently have helped them with numerous projects (yard work etc). I asked him again about where he was with us being more intimate and he said that he needed to focus on A right now (apparently some issues?, not sure what). He wouldn't give me any kind of estimate on how long that might be. Not to mention that things will likely change drastically in january when he begins grad school. This whole thing is a mess. Part of me wants to just walk away. I don't know anything about relationships, I've never done this before and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't feel like I have much power in this arrangement. I said that once and he told me that I have the power to end it (duh). But honestly, they both hold way more cards than I do. I feel like there's red tape everywhere. I can ask and I just get deadend-ed with a no with very little explanation. He tells me to be patient. I know the logical thing is to end it. But that's hard. I realize this may simply be a case of I want what they can't give. I honestly would like to have a full, more co-primary-ish (over time) poly relationship. But I don't think they're ready for that. I feel sometimes like it was unfair of him (dare I say irresponsible?) to initiate a relationship that he can't follow through on. He pushed me to get into this and I wanted to but I had my doubts. And now there are so many restrictions and prescriptive labels and boundaries. It's like we're barely a couple anymore. And really, it's because they're not ready to be open. And it pisses me off and hurts me deeply that he would take that leap with me when he couldn't really keep going with it (and I think that deep down, he knew). I have feelings too and now, I'm in love with some one that can't really give me much of anything. I remember once when he was trying to convince me to date him and he told me about when he'd dated two women. The one was having some issues and so he decided to "focus on her" and broke up with the other one. He uses that phrase in a conversation with me, is being distant and makes up an excuse as to why we can't hang out. I'm not really sure what to think? I don't even know why he bothers with me anyway.
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  #20  
Old 11-19-2010, 10:34 AM
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Ray I think you are incredibly perceptive about relationships considering you are so young and have never been in one. Certainly what your intuition is telling you makes a lot of sense. You may have hit the nail on the head about them as a couple not being ready.
I said it before, you seem a very together person. I admire you. I don't say that about many young people. Compared to you I am almost dead (49)
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