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  #11  
Old 04-04-2013, 02:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I am sure someone will come along and break it down for you with colored fonts, flow charts, and equations, but i'm going to do it all in one or two sentences:

Let him manage his relationships, and you manage yours.
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  #12  
Old 04-04-2013, 03:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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BG -- what if she IS trying to manage her relationship? Her relationship to HIM and tending to her partner while he is hurting? And she doesn't know how to do that while also managing her own upset? She could do what then?

Quote:
I saw him choosing an incompatible partner.. very clearly and it upset me.. Is it because I have too?
That only you can answer. WHY you felt anxious/nervous about weathering this journey with him.

Quote:
I was anticipating and anxious about seeing new aspects of my partner that I hadn't seen before.
Regardless of the why's... you DID feel anticipating and anxious and all that. This is new territory for both. Flying without a map.

It's normal to feel weird when treading into the unknown. Now here's this new development. Upset partner.

Quote:
For five weeks he has been telling me that this is so worth exploring.. I really want to get to know her. This feels special. Then today he tells me that he knew it was doomed BEFORE i met her, BEFORE they had sex, and BEFORE she agreed to "try it".
He just broke up with someone he thought was a runner. So he's experiencing the high emotions of breaking up and the subsequent emotions of loss.

I'd suggest not taking what he says too literally as he processes the stages of grief for his loss. Listen to the feelings behind the words.

His mouth may say " I knew it! I knew it was gonna be bad!" when he could be meaning "I am disappointed! I am upset! I don't like feeling that! I want to shoo yucky feelings away from me!" so his words come out as they do.

Could just ask him what he needs (if he knows it at this time) and let him know you are around if he needs to vent only or needs to vent and wants your feedback.

Could not take his grief personally.

I find a lot of people mix up their "thinking" and "feeling" words a lot.
(I'm tired right now... not sure I'm stating the best examples to convey this idea but I'll try...)

They say "I think" when the more accurate thing to say is "I feel."

"I think I am hungry." No. You FEEL tummy growls happening and that indicates hunger.
"I think I'm not gonna like going to this party" No. You feel nervous about attending this party.

and then they also do it the other way. "I feel" when really the more accurate is "I think..."

"I feel like you forget the trash on purpose to drive me crazy." No. I feel annoyed when I see the trash not taken out. I think you are not a person of your word when you promise me to do it and then later I see it undone.

"I feel fat!" No. You feel upset because you think you want to look a certain way and you do not see yourself looking that way. Unless you are cuddling butter or olive oil or something... you do not FEEL fat.

Again... could not expect accuracy of words from a mourning person. Shoot, people NOT having high emotion have a hard time keeping the "thinks" and "feels" vocab straight.

Listen for the feelings behind the words when he's suffering -- and right now the feeling is "I am upset! Why this? Why me?" there. You can't do his process for him. All you can do is the ministry of presence and BE THERE for him as he does it.

If you don't know how to be there for him? Could ask him. Platinum rule him -- treat him how he wants to be treated.

Could apply some "I see you are upset. There, there. I see you hurting. How can I best help? Do I give you space? Do I give you hugs? What's your preference here? I care for you but I don't know how you want to be treated." for initial first aid.

Maybe that could help?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-04-2013 at 03:34 PM.
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  #13  
Old 04-05-2013, 06:34 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Could just ask him what he needs (if he knows it at this time) and let him know you are around if he needs to vent only or needs to vent and wants your feedback.

If you don't know how to be there for him? Could ask him. Platinum rule him -- treat him how he wants to be treated.

Could apply some "I see you are upset. There, there. I see you hurting. How can I best help? Do I give you space? Do I give you hugs? What's your preference here? I care for you but I don't know how you want to be treated." for initial first aid.
Great examples of taking care of her relationship with him.

Just like my partners pet projects, work, friends, and hobbies, how she runs her life is not my business. Granted sometimes her life effects our relationship which is something we deal with as it comes up, BUT that still doesn't mean I have any say (nor should I) in her business. My agonizing over how she tends to her business would only serve to irritate me which would impact our relationship negatively.
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  #14  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:56 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn View Post
She approached him knowing he had a relationship with you. Then when he told her he was poly, she wasn't sure she could do that. Am I the only one who reads this as, she was willing to cheat but not overjoyed about sharing, with everything out in the open?

I totally saw it this way too... My hubby and I had something like this happen with his last gf. It started much like this with her not sure about poly but accepting his advances at work knowing he was married. She also had a boyfriend and at first said she would love to accept being poly and being out in the open but in the end never could tell her bf and finally told my hubby that she would just as soon cheat than be honest. My hubby ended it promptly upon being told this bit of information.
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  #15  
Old 04-06-2013, 03:55 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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At first I was going to make some reference to my cat bringing home a mouse, and playing with the mouse. Then it seemed like things were going to work so I wasn't going to mention it. Now I'm going to mention it again.

It sounds like he enjoys the chase and the catch, even if the prize isn't worth eating because there's plenty of kibble in the food bowl.
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